Cora:
Blue and purple explosions rocked the ground and I led Lillian towards the teleportation room like Mother and our Father the King asked. We crouched down underneath the system and I started pushing buttons. My twin watched, trying to remember and memorize everything. We were just alike but I was the independent, older by heart.
I hesitated before pressing the last button, looking at our home.
“What are you waiting for?” Lil asked, slight concern hidden in her voice.
Memories zipped through me as I applied pressure to the blinking light. We started dissolving and I sat back on my heels, watching as the different colors whizzed by us. Blue, red, yellow- the background was the purest of whites before I was blinded. Then everything went black.
I woke up surrounded in ice. I sat up and looked around. Lillian was lying on the ground a few feet away, still out. I saw my reflection in a slab of ice and noticed how purple my eyes were now. Purple… That was the twelfth color, right? Were we twelve stars away from home then? Lillian stirred and I rushed to my sister.
“What happened?” She asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
I helped her sit up and found that her eyes were purple too. She looked around and saw our predicament for the first time.
“Can you manipulate it to get us out?” She asked.
I shrugged and tried. The ice above us disappeared and we started to climb. The cold didn’t affect us but someone who had been waiting was. It was a man by a helicopter. He was bundled up tight. We cautiously walked over to him.
“Welcome to Earth, my friends.” He smiled. “You’re with good company now.”
“Earth?” I asked. “How far are we from home?”
“Not too far, but we need your help before you head home.” He said.
“What kind of help?” Lillian crossed her arms.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Recruited: Chapter FourPoints:
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Canary word: Present
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
Oh, and I think it's way too short.
Hey there, UpAndOut! Here to review as requested
I was beginning to worry that since this was another chapter from another viewpoint, it'd be the same thing all over again with it becoming like a repeat or an episode of something on loop.
My first impressions: Short. Lots shorter than the other chapters
But not! Which makes a bit of a change which I welcome.
So, in this chapter, I'm under the impression they arrived on Earth in a teleporter machine? Well if they have, I'm intrigued to know what happened!
Before I begin nitpicking, I want to point something out on the first line:
It's not precisely... hooking. Since this is still very early and it's a new viewpoint, an intro that intrigues here would be great. The beginning isn't great. Blue and purple explosions to me are immediately interesting though and you don't normally get those. What are they like? Description here is so, *so* important. I've only just realised myself how much it can confuse the reader without it.
I think *that's* why it's so short - it's lacking in description. 'Course, it is a short chapter anyway as not much happens, but I do think it'll be longer and it'll feel less abrupt.
Talking of abrupt, I did feel that the ending was abrupt. It was a bit sudden. That last line didn't feel like it. How about something like 'You'll see'? *That* feels a *lot* more last-line ish.
Anyway, just one nitpick:
That should be a comma between 'home' and the speech mark instead of a full stop (aka period).
Anyway, I hope I helped!
Keeeep Writing!
-Mac
Hey UpandOut15,
still works as a hook, just - and I mean just - enough to satisfy me. That's just me though. The rest of your audience will probably love it.Yes. Let's be honest. It is a short chapter. A very short chapter.
Short chapters, aren't totally shunned, though. Actually, I've come across many books that have irregular chapters. Chapters with 2 pages, chapters with 7. They are never the same.
I for one, like to maintain a flow, keeping my novel chapters from 2,250 to 2,750 words, roughly. This is generally about four to six A4 pages.
Still; if you like short chapters, than dammit, you can have short chapters. I mean, logically, you're the author and you can do what you like!
I'm have this big thing for cliff hangers as the last sentence in chapters, as I'm sure you'll find with mine. I just love stories so much more if by the time you're at the end of the chapter, you're already flipping the page to find out what happens.
You haven't totally denied the hook at the end.
I loved the mystery in this chapter, the theme and the mood.
It's all intriguing and I can't wait for more!
NightWriter x
I like the simplicity yet significance of this chapter, and the mysterious cliffhanger is just awesome. I really like your writing style and I'm eager to read the next part. I can't see any mistakes where punctuation and grammar are concerned, and so I guess all I can suggest is that you keep up the good work!