Young Writers Society

Hey it's NewYork here for a review.

I love the contrast between the two lovers as night and day because it gives me a glimpse as to who these two are as people because of the different qualities of night and day. "Sunset eyes" and "autumn leaf hair" really grabbed my attention. It was a really good usage of descriptive writing. You are also very good at using imagery in this poem. Keep on writing!!!

I really enjoyed your poem, it was really quite beautiful. I really have trouble understanding and especially reviewing poems, but I'll give it my best. The imagery was great, painting a picture inside my mind. It told a vivid story, yet was easy to understand and imagine. While reading this work I imagine two beings, opposites, one is light and the other is dark, and their story of love when they come together at sunset. In fact it helped me come up with one of my own poems that I made just now, called The Death Of A Beautiful Sunset. I might release it onto this site in a week or so. Overall, a great poem. I will be happy to read more.

- SinisterPotatoe -

Hi Clockwork!
(You definitely needed another review on this XD)
This is a gorgeous poem! I really love the imagery you used here.

My only suggestion is that you may want to include some periods in here, but it's a style choice do you don't have to.

Oh, and this as well:
"For when dawn approach / we must part ways,"
I'm pretty sure you should use "approaches" here.

Anyway, I have a really clear image in my mind of everything in this poem! The language you use is really stunning. I especially loved "autumn-leaf hair" and "starlit eyes and firefly gown". No one uses gown anymore, but it's a lovely word.

Well, this is absolutely wonderful. Please keep writing!!

-Falco

Hey!

You did a good job with this. I like how you're working with the seasons to create a feel for the place and setting, but after that, you let it hang and move on to other more important things. It really gives it that classic feel without going overboard and ending up in unintelligible language.

I think you're starting to work with capitalization better, but you need to be consistent with it. THere are no periods in this poem, so it's got to be clear why you are capitalizing something and why you are not. Some of these lines could be the start of sentences, but some of them could not. One instance of this is your first one. And is a conjunction and unless you use them at the beginning of the second part of a sentence that you put on the front of the sentence, you cannot start out a sentence with and. The sentence before that is also a fragment without connecting it to the second line, so why then, is and capitalized? You do this same sort of mistake down five lines from the end.

I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not because you don't have any periods in your poem, but from what I can see, it looks like it's not on purpose because the rest of the poem appears to be capitalized by sentence. I actually really do like the mix of capitalized for sentence without the periods on the poem in this one because it brings it more up to date with modern grammar rules while maintaining the old sort of fae class from the woods.

Overall, good job. Watch your capitalization and keep it up.

Hello Clock Work Conjurer,
It's MergSword here on a fabulous day for a review!

I think this poem was a lovely work of of art! It's somewhat cliche, but you made it work.
It's clear and simple.

I found a mistake in this poem, there aren't many and so far this is the only one I found,
For when dawn approach: you have to add an ed at the end of that. Don't worry about it, easy mistake.

Thing I don't quite like: I think you can take away the "with" from " with sunset eyes"
Some lines have commas and some don't, you should add in the commas since usually not adding a comma means they should be the same line.

I think you could separate the poem into stanzas if you could get it a bit longer, although you already went quite in depth. Just a suggestion.

Things I Did Like: I like the flow of the poem, and I also like your use of figurative language, which you used throughout the poem. I also like your ending, together we shape the world. It's a good stopping point.

Overall I think you did a great job on this poem! You did have your pros and cons but hey, that's what poetry's all about.

Keep on writing!

~MergSword

Prepare to feel totally honored that you are getting my 50th review this month! Which really means you're my 50th victim...

Specifics

1. I sometimes like starting poetry with a word like 'with' which pulls you write into the middle of things, but I feel like it needs to be supported more. It needs to be followed up with either a really vivid image or some kind of bemusing statement to make you want to read on and really make good use of that immersion technique. Like: 'With artists you always get the wrong kind of snowflakes' or 'With a boy whose eyebrows were two shades of marmalade and one slice of toast,/ I waited'. Short lines in general don't really float my boat unless they're interspersed with longer ones so maybe I'm the wrong reader for this poem.

2. As a kind of follow on, try to avoid starting the poem with the thing you're describing or building your poem around. Rather than use sunset, try instead to describe the sunset to someone who has never seen one. Shape this poem around the word without actually using it - that's much more clever and then the title acts as a key to the content of the poem.

3. I like firefly gown but it feels a little out of place with moonlight lover because those are two very different shades of light - moonlight is so pale while fireflies are yellow, sometimes almost green when the sky is dark enough, that really luminescent shade.

4.

For when dawn approaches

Hello! Quick review because I have to pack and be on my merry way.

I really like this. It's an old concept, but a good one, and you have nice images here. In fact, I'd like to see more images. The firefly gown was a nice touch. You incorporated some seasons here. I'd like to see which seasons correlate to what time of day, if that's something you think might be beneficial.
The phrasing in this is quite awkward at some points. It seems like you're attempting to do a rhythm, but then it isn't always consistent, and you don't word things in here the way one might normally word something.
"when dawn approach" should probs be approaches.

I'd like you to take this further. It's simple now, but we've all heard something like it before. Astound us with your images, with the beauty of it.
Keep writing!

Hello, steampowered here for a review! This might be quite a short review because I’m still useless when it comes to reviewing poetry, but I’ll see what I can do.

Now personally (and I know a whole load of people on here disagree with me) I’m not the hugest fan of non-rhyming poems. I mean, I quite like them if they have something really profound to say, but while I love the story that this poem tells I don’t feel I get quite that vibe. I feel like this would be more suited to a rhyming poem because of its rhythm and its style, but that’s just my personal opinion.

I don’t like to say that this poem feels disjointed, but the flow could probably be smoother. Again, I guess this ties to the rhythm. It almost seems like you’ve strung random sentences together which don’t fully mesh together as a whole – the story is there, but the delivery is a bit jerky.

Bear in mind this is just my personal opinion, and hopefully I don’t come across as sounding too harsh (it’s getting late, I’m tired and I’m probably not being that helpful or constructive anyway) But I feel like you could improve the flow on this, perhaps by making it rhyme or by being more literary in the language you use.

I really do like this poem and your imagery, and there doesn’t technically seem to be anything wrong with it (although I do recommend splitting your stanzas up) Feel free to utterly disregard this review, but I guess the more reviews the better, right?

And I think that’s probably me done for this month, so you have the honour of being the last YWSer I reviewed. Keep writing!

steampowered

WOW!!!!!! This is such a powerful and beautiful work of art, amazingly written and very emotionally connected. The love created between night and day is deep and beautiful and pure and you portray this love with your words so perfectly, I doubt anyone could do any better no matter how hard they tried! I love the phrases you used, like "with sunset eyes and autumn-leaf hair"and "with my moonlight lover". Every scene is so vividly imprinted in the reader's mind, we can really almost be a apart of the story, despite the shortness and how simple it is stated. Bravo on your description!!!!! ten thumbs up!!!!

Hey TheCloackworkConjurer, (wow quite a mouthful of name? username?)

Basically this poem is simple and the scene is laid out clear.
Your choice of descriptive words were good and gave a crystal clear
view of what you were trying to convey or paint in our minds when reciting this romantic poem.
I like the idea where you describe romance between two things that
were not really seen as lovers. This is good! You make the readers see your perspective view of the day and night. This makes us see the day and night differently which is good.

Some bits and pieces to patch up your piece of art up there

1. Poem structure/layout

This is one very important part of writing a poem.
If you want to grab reciters attention when they open up your
work, you must group stanzas (like in paragraph) to give out a
good appearance of your poem.
And also so that they won't think your poem is lengthy (i thought
at first)

Overall this was a good piece of art you wrote there love,
very simple and the lines flow just smoothly from start to end.

Cheers!

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review! (Cause you tagged me to review this so here we go!)

So the first thing that stuck out to me was the formatting. From what I have heard or something, was to press shift and enter to make perfect stanzas for easy reading. This thread can help explain it more in detail or whatnot: Formatting Poetry.

This is a good poem, nonetheless. In the beginning stanza you seem to have lovely imagery throughout and could give the reader a picture in their mind of whom this could be about. Also I can tell this came from the heart- as most poems to do and there can be some little rhyme patterns throughout, but a neat little poem you have.

As from what Questio said before, some poems use commas and all that fun stuff yet some don't. For your poem, the amount of commas is lovely but the periods are lacking- like shifts in tone or thought. This could help you with that: Punctuation in Poetry

Apart we form a nothingness

Together we shape the world

Hello, Conjurer!

So, I'm not good at reviewing or just plain understanding poetry, but I'll do my best to write a satisfactory review.

What I like about this poem is how the syllables sound when spoken. They have this musical touch to them, like they may not exactly rhyme with others in close proximity, but they sound somewhat similar, and that contributes to a good overall feeling.

Also, the way the picture is painted is pretty good. I realize that there are many ways in which a poem can be interpreted, but I believe that this one leaves a little extra room for that. It is actually a little satisfying to try to come up with possible scenarios that would fit the images depicted in the poem.

I apologize for not providing any negative criticism for you to have a ground to improve on, but like I said, I am not terribly good at this, so hopefully I've given you some insight into what one of your readers liked about your poem and why.

Keep up the good work!

Tear it apart? It is much to good for that. But I will review it for you, as I quite enjoyed it. But be warned: I know very little about poetry, only my personal preferences when reading. So here goes.
You use commas, and you use them well, but put some periods in there. Where you want the reader to stop for a second, put a period. Especially when moving from one thought to another. I pretty much never use any punctuation in my poetry, so I am being a bit of a hypocrite, but reading this one I saw several places where the thought shifts, and I thought a period would be a nice break. Read over it again and you'll see what I mean, I'm not gonna nit pick it out.
The imagery here is great! The story that was being told flowed smoothly, and it was quite enjoyable.
Overall, I really liked it! I'm sure it is not "technically perfect" but I for one could not care less. It was pretty, it flowed well, had a nice story, and was a fun little read. I didn't really get anything out of it on a much deeper level, so if that was your intention you may consider a bit of revision.
Great job! I hope I can read more stuff like this!
Message me with any questions, comments, concerns, or curiosities!
Keep it up, you're doing great!
~Q