Hey Conjurer,
Astral recommended I review all of your stuff because I'm going to finish NaRevMo in like two days and I'm looking for things to review so here I am! You probably have a couple messages from me reviewing your work when you get on.
I would like to start by saying you've got an interesting way to do rhyme. You're actually doing okay with the rhyming in this, although some of them are a bit forced, that's mostly because of the tone of voice you used. Harkening back to an older way of speaking can seem poetic and fun, but in the end it just gets in our way.
For things to critique, I think you should work on taking out "and" and "but" and other filler words to really make this poem shine. I'm not saying take away all of your determiners (the, a ...), but take away some of the things that are just there to make the phrase work as a sentence.
Let me show you.
To you my love, I can proclaim
That though moon and stars have might,
My world has been possessed by you
And you've given me new light
My love, I can proclaim
That though moon and stars have might,
My world has been possessed by you.
You've given me new light
You don't really lose the flow, but you gain time to pause in it, full stops. Shakespeare did this in his plays so you end up with lines with only one or two words even though he writes in Iambic Pentameter. It works really well and you can pick up the flow of the poem later. You also get stronger declarative sentences which make the poem feel more stable and less wishy washy. After all, this is not about someone who has also given them new light, this is someone trying to say I love you, and you can't do that by tacking it onto the end of something.
Overall, I think you picked a really good way of working rhymes into poetry going with an ABCB pattern rather than ABAB. It really helped not only keep your rhymes down to a minimum, but hide them within the poem. I still noticed them though, but that's because you have a stop right there. The ear is naturally going to pick up on a sound that rhymes when it's read out loud. You don't have to pause for dramatic affect, we'll naturally pause when we think back about it because of the rhyme.
I say this because with punctuation it can sort of be an all or nothing game. You don't have any periods, but you have commas and that can be tedious because having a minimal bit of punctuation can interrupt the overall goal. You do have the first letter of every line capitalized too, which encourages the reader to add stops, so that's okay. You might want to explore though, see what other options are out there. Try taking away all of the capitalization, try just adding it at the beginning of sentences. Add punctuation back in, take all punctuation out. See what wants to work best for the tone of the poem.
I hope this helps! You'll be seeing me again shortly,
Until then
-Aley
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