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E - Everyone

slow down

by TheBlueCat


I was wrapped up in my busy life

and letting everything pass me by

I glanced up for a second

and saw the wonders all around me

.

so I put down my packed schedule

and started soaking in His favor

I saw how much He gave to us

and the beauty of life surrounding me

.

I had to

slow down

and take the time

to look around

at all that is good

there's so much

to be thankful for

why do we

forget to look around

at all He gave to us

.

we like to speed through life like it's a race

but there's not a winner or first place

we like to let it pass without a glance

but we need to focus on His gift surrounding us

.

so slow down

and take the time

to look around

at all that it good

there's so much

to be thankful for

why do we

forget to look around

at all He gave to us

He gave so much to us

Jesus you gave so much to us


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 3:09 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there my favorite cat on YWS! I'm here to review your lovely poem.

First of all, kudos for you for posting something so obviously heart-felt, what a wonderful tribute you have here. I smiled just reading the thoughts.

I'd like to say some of the aspects I really enjoyed before getting to a few suggestions.

1. Clarity
You take a clear stance in this poem/lyrics. While careful dissection might be appropriate for a poem, for lyrics I tend to think that it's better to take the mystery out and be clear with what you're saying. And you do just that. Lines like this make your point very clear,

"I saw how much He gave to us
and the beauty of life surrounding me".
- very nice.

2. Narrative
Good narrative poetry, like a good story - should have a plot with a sense of conflict and resolution, and clear characters with character development. This poem started with a clear conflict (the burden of business, and lack of thankfulness) then a character development as the speaker turned to see all that they had been blessed with and started to "slow down and smell the roses" in a manner of speaking. While I would love a bit more specifics on the characterizations (either of God ie merciful, loving, powerful or the speaker) I did enjoy the character development and plot progression within the piece as a whole.

3. Emotional Variation
Recently I've been making a point to notice emotional variation in poetry or the lack-there-of. When a poem is all emotionally one-note (ie. all the same flavor of happy, or the same flavor of sad) it gets dull when being read! And can even feel superficial (if it's all happy) or heavy (if it's all sad) - it's better to introduce layers of emotion into poetry so that's it's not all one flavor.

Your poem does a good job of not just having it all be about the joy of praising the Lord, but also having some internal reflection and struggle in there. This makes for emotionally a more complex piece, that I think reads as being more genuine than just having it all be about struggle or all be about praise. - So well done there!

Now I have a couple areas that I think might find a bit of improvement on

1. Rhyming or Assonance
Poetry certainly doesn't need to have rhyme in it to be successful, although I do tend to think it makes lyrics flow a bit better. You might want to introduce a light rhyme scheme in here, even if you just had every other word have some sort of rhyme (either end rhyme or end assonance) I think it'd help out the flow and make the poem feel more song-like.

Hannah has a great article on rhyme if you need a bit of help distinguishing that: Secret Treasures in Poetic Devices

2. Metaphor and Imagery
There weren't a lot of 'poetic elements' in this poem. Which again, is quite all-right. But I think it would take this poem to the next level if you were able to introduce a bit of metaphor, figurative language, or imagery in here. As is there's a lot of "telling" and not a lot of "showing" - If you describe the speaker walking down the street with their head tied to their to-do list and their phone calendar, you portray the same thing as saying "I was wrapped up in my busy life" but in more visual and personal terms. This can make your lyrics really connect and stand out, which brings me to my last point of suggestion:

3. Specificity
A lot of this poem was pretty general, broadly and line-by-line the only specifics I'm seeing are the name "Jesus" and the reference to a "packed schedule".

Here's what I mean:
I was wrapped up in my busy life - wrapped up in what specifically? kids, work, food?

and letting everything pass me by - anytime you use the word "thing" "that" or "it" you can probably replace it with a more specific term.

I glanced up for a second - okay that's a specific concrete moment.

and saw the wonders all around me - what 'wonders'? the sky? the earth? the flowers?

.... see what I mean? In most of the poem/lyrics you reference that there is "so much" that God gives us, but you never give a single specific of what those gifts are - there's so many to choose from, just inserting a few in the piece would make the poem more concrete, and help it to connect with readers/listeners. My article on Specificity might be able to lend you a few more tips on this matter in a more developed way.

And that's all I had! Really well done on this piece. I look forward to reading your next poem or lyrics.

Please let me know if you had any questions about my review! :)

-alliyah
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TheBlueCat says...


Thank you sooo much alliyah! <3 This is really, really helpful!



alliyah says...


You're so welcome! Glad it was helpful! :)



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Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:10 pm
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Namjoon2003 wrote a review...



What a do, what it is. Its yo boi coming at you with a review.

In the beginning of your poem I kinda knew that you were gonna talk about Jesus doing all these wonderful things for us. It was just predictable. I really liked that. In most poems I have to come up with theories on what the author was trying to talk about, but for this you made it easy where the reader knows what you are meaning, and what the poem is actually about.

The only thing that I had a problem with was the lack of capitalization when you were beginning a new sentence, and the no punctuation when you were ending each sentence. Like at least try to add a couple of periods in there, or a few capitalized letters at the beginning of a new sentence.

Besides the problem, your poetry was really well thought out. It was as if you were speaking directly to the reader, telling them that they should appreciate what is around. That they should appreciate what the good lord has given up, and that is exactly why I think your poem was really good.

Keep up the good work!!!

~Namjoon~




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you! c: Side note: this is the lyrics to a song I wrote. It's a stylistic choice to not capitalize or have any punctuation(I'm also just really bad at adding punctuation to poetry style things with according capitalization xD). Glad you enjoyed!



Namjoon2003 says...


*shocked* If these were lyrics to a song you wrote, then when are you going to produce the song. I mean you have some real talent, if you can right something like this.



TheBlueCat says...


*blushes* To be honest, this was a God-given song. But I am going to eventually figure out what notes I have in my head and record myself playing it on my ukulele while singing. However, I never know what note I'm singing xD



Namjoon2003 says...


You know what.*starts being dramatic* I believe in you child. I believe that you can accomplish anything. *Starts being even more dramatic* If you just set your mind to the notes, you can do anything. *calms down* Also, I would really love to hear you sing the song.



TheBlueCat says...


jkfhadksjfh Thank you so much! I'm not really that good at singing though.



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Sat Apr 21, 2018 12:58 am
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SurrealOArt says...



I can tell you put much effort into this. Though i don't affiliate with religion, your song { further more art} is incredible. you show your love for what you believe and gave us reasons to be thankful. you are a promising writer and I would love to see more from you.




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you! c:



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Wed Mar 28, 2018 6:29 pm
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DeltaAllon says...



I had to make up a melody while reading that, but the lyrics are fantastic. It does feel like a song to me and with god's gift concept makes it true.




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Sun Mar 25, 2018 1:57 am
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woahhitherepal wrote a review...



hello, Ash here for a review (:
this was such a good read! i really enjoyed it. its so nice to read positive things about our world when theres so much negative to be written about.
my only complaint is the lack of punctuation and capataliztion
so ill help out a bit
I was wrapped up in my busy life,

and letting everything pass me by.

I glanced up for a second,

and saw the wonders all around me.

.

So I put down my packed schedule,

and started soaking in His favor.

I saw how much He gave to us,

and the beauty of life surrounding me.

.

I had to

slow down,

and take the time

to look around

at all that is good.

there's some (do you mean 'so much' here?) much

to be thankful for,

why do we

forget to look around

at all He gave to us?

.

We like to speed through life like it's a race,

but there's not a winner or first place.

We like to let it pass without a glance,

but we need to focus on His gift surrounding us.

.

So slow down,

and take the time

to look around

at all that it good.

There's some (again, did you mean so much here?) much

to be thankful for.

Why do we

forget to look around

at all He gave to us?

He gave so much to us.

Jesus you gave so much to us.

otherwise i love what youre saying and this very well written, so good job pal!
keep up the amazing writing
i look forward to seeing more from you in the future!
Best!
>Ash




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks for the review pal! c:



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Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:43 pm
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GodfreysBouillon wrote a review...



Its always good to be reminded of who gave us everything.
When i first came to this site, i did not expect this much religious material in its endless shelves of online material. Frankly, I'm surprised.

Your material and others' is lighthearted and free in a whimsical way.
I'd really like to hear these lyrics in their full song version.
9/10, great job




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you! :D



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Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:19 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey there TheBlueCat! Hope you don't mind if i leave you a quick review!

Firstly, I love your poem's message. Even from a non-religious standpoint, this poem can be admired as all too often, in this world full of technology and distractions, we don't pay attention to the beauty in life around us. As a believer myself, I appreciate this poem even more so because of course, especially those of us who are healthy and in a good environment, we are fortunate and should focus more on the beauty and gifts around us given to us by the Lord.

My only gripe in this poem was the change in structure. Like how you started off with two stanzas, four lines each, and switched it up to choppy lines. Especially the choppy lines, in my opinion, throws off the flow.

But, overall, this was a beautiful poem with an important message.

we like to speed through life like it's a race

but there's not a winner or first place

By far my favorite line, and bonus for rhyming! :)

I'll be sure to check out more of your work, as this was a lovely poem.

Keep Writing!

~Katja




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you! :D It's actually the lyrics for a song I wrote, so that may be why it seemed odd.


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KatjaDawn says...


Ohhh that makes more sense! I didn't see "Lyrics" till you said that, my apologies! Very lovely lyrics, indeed. :)




Memento homo, quia pulvis es et in pulverem reverteris (Remember, man, that you are dust, and you will return to dust)
— Genesis 3:19