As she slowly undressed herself,
I waited in agitating suspense.
As she removed her bra,
I felt my heart race.
As I pressed my hands upon
her great breasts,
I undressed myself with great velocity.
She was waiting on the bed.
I climbed on, feeling her fine thighs with my shaky hands.
It was our first time.
Her long, blonde hair,
spread out on the bed like rays of sunlight
The excitement was rising.
I mounted her fine body, her hairless legs, her golden skin.
She was screaming.
A cry that the angels would’ve heard.
I looked up to the skies and thanked God that I was a man.
By TheBigCheese
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey cheese!
Fascinating use of imagery, htouhg I'm not sure if it's in a positive way... I agree with Paladin, undressing with great velocity is strange, if not humerous.
I don't really understand what the idea of this poem is. Is it lust, or love, or just showing what it's like inside a man's head, because I'm pretty sure most men don't actually think like that. At least I hope not. It just seems empty and slightly shallow to me.
Oooooooooookay, at fifteen I wasn't writing about this... I was writing romantic love poems instead. This here seems like a parody of itself. It's so bad it's actually good. Which is rare, I'm wondering if you even know what you're saying for instance this line:
If you did that your clothes would fly off much quicker than humanly possible. They'd literally fly out the window and probably further. Velocity does mean fast yes, but it's referring to cars, rockets and other such devices, as far as clothes go they don't enter into the equation you never hear people speak of 'man those trousers broke the landspeed record' do you? Therefore clothes cannot come off faster than a car or rocket, it would literally twist my mind to see such an image.
It's with such zingers as above that I have to say this is so bad it's good.
Overall: At your age if you're going to write about sex, at least try do it seriously and not with great hyperbole and awkward imagery.
Hope this helps.
hey BC, where do i start with this, actually i'm not sure if i should say how I felt because it might not be appropriate. here's the best way I could say it. i felt quite disturbed but i felt like doing the actions to my BF. Now, you might think that i'm a girl pretending to be a guy, but I'm actually a guy. yes to answere any further questions, yes i am gay.
-SoulyTorn
Hey TheBigCheese, CaptianRandom here.
I agree with R.O.C it was different. it wasn't a poem as such, but i don't know what i would call it. maybe if you added some sort of theme to it maybe, it kind of led no where, it was sort of an experience type of writing. I don't really know what to say its something i havnt read before.
-CaptianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions
Ok this poem is Great.
It shows how you felt and also what you she looks like.
I dont know why people are asking how does this fit in dramatic poems.
Just because its not sad doesnt mean its not dramatic.
I think its great and i hope to read more poems.
keep me posted when you get new poems< and ill give advice.
tHANKS.
Lindsey,<3
Hi TheBigCheese,
Hahaha. It’s not a poem and it’s not a story so I can't really review it. However I will tell you what needs improving.
I do agree with WarthogDemon in terms of improving it but I also agree with R.O.C, that it needs more emotion. All you are describing is the woman’s body and her screams. For all we know she could have been wearing a Halloween mask!! We don't know how they are feeling which is important in any sort of piece like that. If there is no emotion, just two people going for it you might be on the wrong website… (Excitement is not an adequate feeling).
If it was intended as a poem, give it depth and emotion because as R.O.C said, that’s what poetry is!
Having said that I like your versatility to put up a piece like that.
Thanx- keep going with the poetry, it’s NOT easy but you will get there
watchmeburn
Hey there TheBigCheese!
I'm the RepublicOfCoter but people tend to call me R.O.C.! I'll be reviewing you piece today!
Now, this poem was.........different. I've never read one like it before. I'm not sure really what to say here. It really didn't feel much like a poem as it felt like you were just telling a really short story. Perhaps try describing it better, anyway, that's what poetry's all about - EMOTION. Let you heart out when your describing this. At the risk of sounding weird, make it more 'intense'. So I'm just going to keep it at that.
MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.
While I understand this was written on the spot, a lot of it unfortunately doesn't work too well.
Agitating suspense sounds out of place here, unless of course you mean she's doing so provocatively. But even then that phrase sounds awkward.
So, WHILE your hands were on her you were undressing yourself at the same time?
And also, something odd that I've never realized before . . . I've heard teenage boys use many descriptive words for female genitalia, but never in my life have I heard of breasts being described simply as being "great." At the risk of sounding sexist, surely there must be a better word!
It would be better to say you were placing your shaky hands on her
fine(find a better word here) thighs. With the way this is written it allllllllmost sounds like you're having to hold onto her thighs to pull yourself up onto the bed. Which is . . . odd. O.oYou don't need a comma at the end of the first line.
"Fine" is too bland a word, plus you've already described her thighs as being fine.
There's screaming in ecstasy, and then there's screaming like Freddy is over you. Having the angels hear it doesn't really tell us which. Describe how she's screaming. The reason I say this is with your last line...
Kind of sounds like you're glad you're not going through what you're putting her through because it's horrible. O.o
Now this isn't bad; I've seen worse, but even though it was written on the spur of the moment you could give it a few rewrites and really bring some descriptions out. Flesh things out (pun intended) and I think you'll have something then.
Thanks Shaddowsoldier,
I suppose I have put it in the wrong category of dramatic poetry when I should have
put it in the erotic category. The poem wasn't anything big, just something i thought
of on the spot and since i'm new to poetry (Not likely i'll continue), I don't deem myself
an expert.
Thanks,
TheBigCheese
it's a good poem, i guess. but how exactly does this fit into dramatic poetry? and after reading this "dramatic" piece of poetry i wonder if you are the age you put yourself down as or are you older than you say?