The rain was falling at what could be considered an alarming rate, tiny droplets pattering onto the ground with such velocity and magnitude that it were as if an army were marching across the city. It was cold in London at the best of times, but at the zenith of winter the whipping winds were truly ferocious, a true force to be reckoned with.
The man stood on the rooftop pulled his thick, black overcoat tighter around his slender frame, licking his lips a little as the cold raked itself against them, as if it were scratching at the skin. The brim of his hat was pulled low over his brow, he wanted to keep his face shielded from the wind and the rain. Especially the rain, the rain that cut into him like the knives he was so fond of using. Like the knife he had hidden within his coat, right now. His eyes narrowed, the wind whistled past his ears but when the voice called out to him from the darkness, he heard it loud and clear.
“You know why I led you here,” came the voice. It was the voice of a man, a strong man. Somewhere between gruff and elegant, but undoubtedly strong and commanding. And it was a pang of fear that it commanded within the man in the coat.
“Detective…” the man muttered under his breath, smirking to himself as his eyes darted about the shadows to look for the man. It was the dead of night and the rain obscured the man’s vision. He almost found himself worrying that he wouldn’t be able to spot the detective in these conditions. He licked his lips again. But this time, it was because he was eager to let the encounter unfold.
“I unravelled your little web,” came the voice of the Detective again. The man’s eyes continued to trace the shadows, looking for anything out of the ordinary. But alas, nothing. The man found himself reaching for the knife within his coat. As he drew the combat weapon out of the cloak of his dark coat, the silvery light of the moon glinted against its foot long implement.
“Show yourself, detective!” the man exclaimed, his grip tightening on the knife as he felt the fear of uncertainty take hold. He pushed the fear deep down within him, knowing that he had to quell his instinctive anxiety, “You can’t hide forever!”
“You kidnapped the girls,” the detective practically growled. Hiding in the shadows gave him the advantage, leaving the man with the knife on the back foot. He was exposed, the detective was not. He could spring from any direction. “You drugged them and you killed them… And then you cut them up and ate them. That’s why we never found the bodies… Because there were no bodies to find.”
The wind seemed to pick up a little more, whipping some of the man’s ratty, greying hair out from under his hat and then across his eye line. He brushed it out of the way, turning as he heard the sound of movement behind him. He couldn’t trace the detective’s voice.
“Show yourself, detective…” the man, the cannibal, repeated.
Movement, again. The cannibal turned to look once more.
And that was when the deceive began to emerge from the shadows. A tall man, tall and well-built. The moonlight slashed across the detective’s face, revealing the ice blue eyes of the man. The eyes that stared at the cannibal with a look of conviction.
“It’s over,” the detective added.
Suddenly, bright light.
Flood lights had been turned on from behind the detective, possibly from the other rooftop, and pointed in the cannibals direction. Instantly, he was blinded, the sheer shock jarring his grip and sending the knife clattering to the floor.
The light practically poured out from behind the detective, silhouetting him in an ominous way. The cannibal cast a hand over his eyes, trying to shield them from the shining of the light. As he tried to move backwards, he tripped; staggered and fell down with a crunch.
The detective slowly began to move in on the cannibal, retrieving his hands from the pockets which they’d been so deeply buried him.
“It’s over,” the detective repeated. But who was he confirming it for, the cannibal or himself?
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OK, the concept itself is great. A detective story from the perspective of an obviously twisted criminal. However, due to the fact that the emphasis was mainly on the criminal, and that we didn't really see anything from the detective's POV, the closing line was really an anticlimax. You don't need to the explore the detective's psyche for that line to have impact, but the subtext needs to make the reader consider him. Like implying for how long and how far the the detective was pursuing this man? As it is, all we focus on is the cannibal.
Also, the exposition needs to be really clear from the outset. Is it day or night? Is it the 21st Century, the 20th or the 19th? That becomes obvious when you reach the end, but it makes it difficult to picture the scene in your mind beforehand. Just remember, show and don't tell. Don't tell us that it's night, show that it's night. Don't say that it's the 21st century or whatever, show that there are skyscrapers or cars or guns in order to make it clear of the time period.
Saying that though, the unusually gruesome and possibly non-PC crime adds a large amount of interest to the story. The pathetic fallacy you employed when you wrote about the weather also ties in well with the setting.
Keep writing, and I suggest researching Orwellian writing styles.
Hey TheAppleSolution! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
*Happy Review Day!*
Okay, for starters- THIS WAS AMAZING! All the detail, the mystery, everything!The was just so great, and I loved it! Some of the things I admire are:
* Your detail - You added so much detail to this piece! The way you said the rain was 'Little Knives' coming don on the man was so great. The first two paragraphs were filled with imagery, and was just great! My favorite part where those two paragraphs are concerned are the way you meant ion the rain feeling like knives- but the man was thinking of them being like the one in his coat pocket! I was surprised, and I was o eager to read more- to see what would happen!
* Your lack of Mistakes - This was great, coming from a person with not so good grammar! There was only a thing or two I want to point out to you:
" "Show yourself, detective…” the man, the cannibal, repeated. "
Right here I would fix where instead of a comma, I would use a dash between where it says :
"the man, the cannibal" = "the man-the cannibal"
For more effect I would also maybe italicize "the cannibal"- it jumps out more!
Other than that, I do not think that I saw anything else! Yay!
Overall, this was just so great, written very well! The way you got the read's attention, and unraveled the whole story so well was great- and shows potential for a great writer. I only have one question- was the light in the end car headlights? That was the only thing that confused me! Congrats, and Please keep writing!
Hello Hello!
I'm Emily and I will be reviewing your work this evening.
I like the concept of your short, and you are practically magical which your use of imagery. Don't get too caught up however, add other details as well, such as character motivation. Now lets get down to the knitty gritty.
"that it were as if an army were marching across the city." sounds a little clunky. Your imagery flows so well, but when the reader reads a phase like this one, it throws off the pattern in their head and doesn't sound pretty.
"The man stood on the rooftop pulled his thick,". Be careful about verb tenses. Right now, the phrase doesn't match up, but you can easily change that by saying standing instead of stood, pulling instead of pulled or adding and between rooftop and pulled.
"That’s why we never found the bodies… Because there were no bodies to find.” This note is not so nit-picking, just a imagery comment, and a kinda icky one at that. If the guy is a cannibal and he is eating his victims, wouldn't he have to dispose of the bones? And if so, and if the police were competent and on alert, wouldn't they find those? Your story is very consistant otherwise, I'm just playing the devil's advocate.
Overall, a very fun (in a creepy way) short to read, thanks for writing and posting.
Good job and good luck, keep writing!