z

Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Kinda Fruity Chapter One: Younger Years

by TheAppleSolution


"A widescreen iPod with touch controls," Steve said, stood on the stage before a throng of an audience. His words instantly earned him applause: clapping and cheering. But the Apple CEO wasn't done yet. "A revolutionary mobile phone. And the third, is a breakthrough internet communications device."

There were even more cheers from the audience, one man could even be seen punching the air at Steve's announcement of the revolutionary mobile phone. It was fantastic, a day both Steve and Apple had been looking forward to for a long time.

"An iPod, a phone, an internet communicator," More cheers began to erupt from the audience as they began to get the idea of what Steve was getting at. "Are you getting it? These are not three devices. This is one device!"

Steve held his index finger up to the masses as an indicator and soon they were cheering, and cheering loudly at that.

"And we are calling it..." Steve spoke with an air of Godliness in the room, he paused for effect as all great performers must. And then the word appeared on the screen, in unison with the word escaping from his mouth, "iPhone."

1972

"Wow..." Steve muttered as he held the circuit board in his hand. His eyes were fixed on it and he had to brush a strand of his long, brown hair out of his sharp eyes. He scratched his thick beard briefly before looking up at his friend, the man who'd designed the board. "Woz, this is awesome."

Steven "Woz" Wozniak had worked hard on the board that his close friend, Steve Jobs, currently held in his hand. Steve Jobs was a tall man and had a svelte frame. His long, auburn hair was brushed behind his ears and beard was neatly trimmed in a tamed manner. Woz, however. Had a rather different physique to that of Steve's. Woz was a man who carried a considerable amount of weight compared to Steve Jobs. His hair was much longer and much curvier and his beard was just a little less tame and orderly.

Woz shrugged his shoulders in something of a humble way and looked to the circuit board in Steve's hand, "Well I just... I... I... Like making cool toys for guys like us," Woz pressed the tip of his index finger to the bridge of his glasses to gently push them back up his nose.

"This is... This is brilliant, Woz. Barely anybody's making anything like this," Steve allowed a grin to spread on his lips, his eyes still fixed on the circuit board.

Woz shrugged again, ever the humble gentleman when it came to his work. Woz was, without a doubt, much more adept in the field of making circuit boards compared to Steve. Of course, Steve had often dropped in on engineering classes during his time at Reed College, both when in the six months he'd been officially attending classes and during the eighteen months after he'd dropped out.

"Well..." Woz trailed off, as he so often did, and at last Steve managed to peel his startled eyes away from the board and connected his gaze with that of Woz's.

Atari Inc. Office

Steve sat back in the chair that faced the wooden desk. The small circuit board was perched right in the centre of that desk and the man himself, behind the desk, was inspecting it intently.

Nolan Bushnell, co founder of Atari Inc., looked thoroughly interested. He reached out and picked up the circuit board, holding it between his stubby fingers and bringing it up to his eye line to inspect. His eyes narrowed just a fraction as he took a look at the small board.

"This is good..." Bushnell said and after a moment his stony face was carved into something resembling pleasure and interest. "This is very good Mr... What did you say your name was?"

"Jobs," Steve spoke in a courteous manner, despite the fact he was sat in the chair with his head resting on his arms behind him and his bare feet resting against the floor in a cross legged manner. "Steve Jobs."

"Well, Steve Jobs, I can tell that this is one very good board," Bushnell smiled as he placed the intricately made circuit board back down on the desk, "And I can say, quite confidently, that I would be happy to offer you a job as a technician on the spot. There's just one problem..."

Steve's brow furrowed at Bushnell's words, "What's the problem?"

Bushnell stood up and leant closer to Steve across the desk, lowering his voice to something just a decibel, above a whisper, "If you wanna work at Atari, y'gotta start wearing some shoes."

Bushnell nodded to Steve's bare feat and Steve chuckled, standing up and taking hold of Bushnell's hand, shaking it with a grin.

"I think you've just about got yourself a deal, Mr Bushnell," Steve smiled as he shook Bushnell's hand vigorously.

As he lay on the ground, a patchwork blanket between him and the deep green grass, Steve had one person on either side of him.

On the left was Steve's closest friend, Daniel Kottke. Kottke was young with a beard and glasses. His hoar was long and scraggly while his beard was unkempt. His hair was dark, his skin a little tanned.

One Steve's right was a beautiful young woman, her skin was fair and her hair was a warm orange. Her eyes were sharp and she stared up at the sky. She was Steve's girlfriend, Chrisann Brennan.

All three of them were laying on their backs and all three of them were high on LSD.

After what seemed like an hour of total and complete silence, nothing but the gently breeze rustling the grass permeating the air of quiet, Steve finally spoke.

"How can someone do that to their child?" He said, beginning his speech on a topic he would often broach when tripping. As a baby boy, Steve had been put up for adoption and the young man didn't have the slightest idea why. "How can they just abandon their own baby son like that? As far back as I can remember Paul and Clara Jobs have been my parents.... But I've gotta wonder, who are my real parents? Why did they just abandon me like that? Why..."

Steve trailed off and Kottke spoke wing out turning to look at his friend, "No offence man... But that's kinda depressing."

A small, shining tear rolled down Steve's cheek as the sky was attacked by warm colours as sunset drew in, "Well I'm sorry my life is ruining your high, Daniel."

Chris rolled over and leant up, so that she could stare down into her boyfriends eyes. She gently cupped his cheek in her hand and whispered softly, "Oh Steve...."

Steve didn't day anything and when Chris leant down and pressed her lips against his in a passionate kiss, he closed his eyes. Chris and Steve held the kiss for a while before she finally pulled away to whisper to his lips, "I love you Steve...."

"I love you too..." Steve said quietly and he kissed her again, the sun setting in a beautiful way over their heads.


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Wed May 14, 2014 1:21 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, yo, hey, yo! Like JohnLocke, I am here to rescue this piece from the lack of reviews it's received in the name of the Knights of the Green Room. Huzzah!

I'm going to share my thoughts as I do my first read -through.

Barely anybody's making anything like this," Steve allowed a grin to spread on his lips, his eyes still fixed on the circuit board.


Hmm, with Steve raving about this circuit board so much, it seems silly that we, the readers, are not allowed to know what is so special about it and just have to take a character's word for it. Because of this, we don't get to feel the awe that Steve feels, and the scene comes out feeling empty. :(

As he lay on the ground, a patchwork blanket between him and the deep green grass, Steve had one person on either side of him.


Woah, a sudden jump in time and space with no signpost letting the reader know is confusing! Give us another heading here, like you've done w/ the previous sections!

A small, shining tear rolled down Steve's cheek


OH NO not the cliche single tear! Don't do that! I think the problem is that we focus up too close on the "tear" instead of just showing Steve is crying. Keep it simple. If you work it up too much, it becomes melodramatic and the readers are distanced from it again. You want us to feel what he's feeling, right? Then you have to LEAD it to us, give us the evidence to MAKE that emotion our own, not just show Steve feeling it and expect us to relate!

the sun setting in a beautiful way over their heads.


Here -- what is a beautiful way? I like the simplicity of the phrase, so maybe you can keep it, but at the same time, it seems like a cop out for not wanting to think about what would make the sun set beautiful and again, just tell the reader "it's beautiful" and try to make them inject all the emotion themselves. You can do it! Connect with us more!


Overall, this is a beginning that doesn't show a lot of direction. I have no idea where the story is going -- is it just another Steve Jobs biography? If so, it might be more interesting for fans of Steve Jobs, but for someone not really that invested, it seems a little bit like a reciting of research facts rolled up into an attempt at a story. It seems especially hard to grab onto and get interested in because there are so few details and facts that we can use to build our own judgment of the situation -- like how you just say the circuitboard is good and we have to accept that instead of being like "Oh yeah, after seeing the evidence, that would be totally cool".

I hope you understand what I'm saying~

PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions or comments and feel free to bug me if you'd like a review on anything else!

Good luck and always keep writing! :D

Hannah




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Mon May 12, 2014 3:01 am
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JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Hello, my friend.

First, I saw that this piece had been lying in the Green Room for far too long. It is simply a travesty. On to your story itself. It was an interesting concept, indeed. I don't think I have ever read a fictionalized account of Steve Jobs's life. I must say, if you were looking for an immediate hook, you found one.

Second, some grammatical things:

"A widescreen iPod with touch controls," Steve said, stood on the stage before a throng of an audience.


A bit of a mix up with words here. Perhaps, "...Steve said, standing on the stage..."

Woz, however. Had a rather different physique to that of Steve's.


I think you meant, "Woz, however, had a rather..."

"Jobs," Steve spoke in a courteous manner, despite the fact he was sat in the chair with his head resting on his arms behind him and his bare feet resting against the floor in a cross legged manner.


A mistakenly added word, "...despite the fact he sat in..."

Bushnell nodded to Steve's bare feat and Steve chuckled, standing up and taking hold of Bushnell's hand, shaking it with a grin.


A misspelled word, "...to Steve's bare feet..."

His hoar was long and scraggly while his beard was unkempt.


I believe you meant, "His hair was long..."

One Steve's right was a beautiful young woman, her skin was fair and her hair was a warm orange.


A misspelled word, "On Steve's right..."

Steve trailed off and Kottke spoke wing out turning to look at his friend, "No offence man... But that's kinda depressing."


I think you meant, "... spoke without turning to look..."

"No offence man... But that's kinda depressing."


A misspelled word, "No offense man..."

Steve didn't day anything and when Chris leant down and pressed her lips against his in a passionate kiss, he closed his eyes.


A misspelled word, "Steve didn't say anything..."

Besides a few mistakes here and there, your grammar was pretty solid. I may have missed a few small things, so I would do a cursory viewing of your piece under the scope of grammar.

Third, some stylistic suggestions:

I will say now that there were several instances of awkward phrasing and structure.

"A widescreen iPod with touch controls," Steve said, stood on the stage before a throng of an audience. His words instantly earned him applause: clapping and cheering. But the Apple CEO wasn't done yet. "A revolutionary mobile phone. And the third, is a breakthrough internet communications device."


I found most of the opening paragraph awkward and confusing. First, "...a throng of an audience," was rather confusing. The word "throng" is not a adjective that I would recommend using to describe the audience. A throng is a noun, anyways. Second, "...applause: clapping and cheering," was an awkward addition to the sentence. If you are going to add something after the colon, use it to describe the applause. From the word "applause," a reader can gather that it constitutes clapping and cheering. Third, "And the third, is a breakthrough internet communications device," did not make any sense. You say "...and the third..." but you had not listed anything prior to that. Is he talking about components? Is he talking about separate devices? I would recommend clearing that up as to not avoid severe confusion.

There were even more cheers from the audience, one man could even be seen punching the air at Steve's announcement of the revolutionary mobile phone.


I would use a semicolon to separate these two clauses instead of a comma. It flows much better.

"An iPod, a phone, an internet communicator," More cheers began to erupt from the audience as they began to get the idea of what Steve was getting at. "Are you getting it? These are not three devices. This is one device!"


Another case of awkward phrasing. The side by side, "...was getting at," and "Are you getting it?" just does not work. Eliminate either one or the other, in my opinion. As well, the word "erupt" does not fit. Erupt implies a great outpouring, while I think that you are inferring that a few people are beginning to understand what he is saying. Think through your word choices thoroughly.

Steve held his index finger up to the masses as an indicator and soon they were cheering, and cheering loudly at that.


As an indicator of what? It may seem obvious to you, the writer, but it could be misconstrued.

"And we are calling it..." Steve spoke with an air of Godliness in the room, he paused for effect as all great performers must.


This suggestion is simply a matter of placement. I would recommend, "... Steve paused with the prowess of a great performer, his voice leaving an air of godliness in the room." Something like that. The order that you placed the words in the sentence just seemed awkward to me.

"Wow..." Steve muttered as he held the circuit board in his hand. His eyes were fixed on it and he had to brush a strand of his long, brown hair out of his sharp eyes.


A matter of placement, as well. This sentence seemed jumbled and rigid. Perhaps, "Steve muttered as he held the circuit board in his hand. His sharp eyes, though he had to move errant strands of his long, brown hair out of the way, were fixed on the intricate device." Or something along those lines. You often place clauses in the same sentence that have nothing to do with one another. Pay attention to flow.

Steven "Woz" Wozniak had worked hard on the board that his close friend, Steve Jobs, currently held in his hand.


"...worked hard..." gives us no indication of how he actually worked. Be descriptive. Show the reader, do not simply tell us that he "worked hard."

Steve Jobs was a tall man and had a svelte frame. His long, auburn hair was brushed behind his ears and beard was neatly trimmed in a tamed manner.


I would advise against interjecting a description of Steve Jobs into a paragraph about Woz. It makes the paragraph far too jumpy.

Woz was a man who carried a considerable amount of weight compared to Steve Jobs.


In the previous paragraph, you already mentioned Steve's name. Use an alternative title, like "his friend," to avoid repetitive writing.

Steve sat back in the chair that faced the wooden desk. The small circuit board was perched right in the centre of that desk and the man himself, behind the desk, was inspecting it intently.


This is a lot of "desk" in this paragraph. Avoid incessant repetition.

"I think you've just about got yourself a deal, Mr Bushnell," Steve smiled as he shook Bushnell's hand vigorously.

As he lay on the ground, a patchwork blanket between him and the deep green grass, Steve had one person on either side of him.


You need some kind of transition between these two sentences. Otherwise, it just does not make sense.

His hair was long and scraggly while his beard was unkempt. His hair was dark, his skin a little tanned.


You describe his hair, and then you describe it again. I would keep descriptions together so that the reader does not lose track of who and what is being described.

"How can someone do that to their child?" He said, beginning his speech on a topic he would often broach when tripping. As a baby boy, Steve had been put up for adoption and the young man didn't have the slightest idea why. "How can they just abandon their own baby son like that? As far back as I can remember Paul and Clara Jobs have been my parents.... But I've gotta wonder, who are my real parents? Why did they just abandon me like that? Why..."


This whole section of dialogue and thought seemed rather forced. This is a rather important moment, so I would recommend slowing it down and spacing it out.

Steve trailed off and Kottke spoke wing out turning to look at his friend


I can't see a good reason for placing these two completely different thoughts together. Steve trailing off has nothing to do with Kottke.

"I love you too..." Steve said quietly and he kissed her again, the sun setting in a beautiful way over their heads.


What constitutes a "beautiful way"? I would describe that a bit more.

Fourth, your characters:

It's Steve Jobs.

Fifth, your plot:

It's Steve Jobs.

Overall, I think you have a very interesting idea here. To take on the grand task that is Steve Jobs's life is commendable to say the least. I think you have a fantastic idea. Besides a bit of awkward phrasing here and there, I think you have the makings of a great story. Message me if you would like me to read anything else. I would be glad to. Happy Writing!




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Thu May 01, 2014 8:39 pm
1Weirdsituation says...



Wow it was very interesting and cute. Make more please.





"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein