Published January 17, 2012
Another poem from my final project this semester, a rough draft. Criticism needed, please!
"Raise the bar."
It seems pretty high
already,
if you ask me.
Pushing,
sacrificing,
stressing.
For this seemingly
unachievable
Goal.
To be the best.
To succeed, to
conquer,
to be happy.
I don't know if I am.
Missing my friends,
losing sleep,
studying,
working,
planning,
worrying.
What happens when I get there?
Will I be
happy?
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Canary word: Present
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Having this line all by itself as a stanza really separates it from the entire poem, and in a bad way. It puts what feels like undue emphasis on the "if" and the "asking", and most especially the "me", making the poem feel more like angsty navel-gazing than anything else.
As with the previous quoted line, having these lines as separate stanzas really puts too much emphasis on each one. It cheapens the impact of these words, taking them over the line of dramatic and meaningful to melodramatic and ungenuine. What would have been more effective is having these two lines together form a stanza, or even merge it with the previous "What happens when I get there?" line to make for a single questioning stanza.
The subject you've chosen is an interesting one, but the presentation doesn't really showcase the subject that well. For one, over-emphasis of lines aside, the language is rather simple and list-like in structure. This doesn't make for engaging reading. For another, the line breaks are not used to their fullest, and while you started out playing with their placement a bit, by the middle of the poem and up until the last two lines, the breaks are all so safe, and therefore boring.
Try experimenting with the line breaks and incorporating more imagery into this. Give us specific descriptions of events and/or emotions. Right now, it's too list-like, and not enough poem.