Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I was sleeping when I heard a panicked voice.
"She won't make it. You need to choose."
I saw my brother crying and mumbling words I can't even hear.
I walked across the room, there was my brother, a doctor, nurses, and at the bed, there was me. Lying hopeless and bleeding.
W-wait? What?!
I saw the line at the monitor slowly moving in a horizontal manner and the upward zigzag motion was gone. Wait? That means dying right?
So if I was the girl at the bed and the line stopped to move, then it means that I died right? I died?! What?
Just as the minute when I realized I was the girl, someone spoke behind me saying, "Walk and lie on the bed. Feel the urge of living. Remember, He won't leave you."
I followed what that 'someone' said, and without thinking any else, a tear fell down on my right then I saw my brother shocked as he see me woke up.
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140,373 Literary Works • 673,126 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this prologue has pretty much everything I would like to see in a prologue, some raw emotion and a tense situation there to start it off, to really catch your attention, and then you've got this amazing twist at the end that just leaves you asking sooo many questions and wanting to find out more. Ahh...this is super exciting here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Uh oh...well that's not a good sign...we're starting things right off the bat with some horrible news by the looks of it and someone that is in a truly horrible situation here judging by the way that this thing here is starting...well...certainly a very attention grabbing start here for this prologue, well let's see what horrible situation has been concocted up here then, shall we?
Oooh...well that is both terribly and interesting at the same time, on one hand, oh no the brother here is having to make a choice about letting his sister which is something I can't even begin to imagine the emotional load of and on the other hand, ghosts are a thing in this universe and I love ghosts...xD
Yup...well kind of, there's a chance to try and restart the heart in a situation like that but then I'm no expert on anything at all medical so I don't quite know. I'm loving how you describe the shock she's feeling here as she realizes she's no longer in her body and then also realizing that she's now dying and then all of a sudden the shock of having been dead. It certainly makes for a powerful scene here.
Ooooh...and that looks like some sort of second chance at life or something along those lines there and well...I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that I am now very much intrigued, this makes for a really awesome ending to a prologue, there's just sooo much suspense and mystery in their to unpack.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this really does make for an awesome prologue, after reading this, you can bet that I would be turning those pages rapidly to read the book itself. It definitely checks all the boxes that I can think of.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey,
So not a lot here for me to review but I'll give you what I got. So just a note ahead of time I did not read the other review so If I repeat something they said my apologies. Now to get right into it. It grasped my attention with the dying seen and the inconsolable brother. I do have a few suggestions for you though. So I think the other review covered a lot of your grammar mistakes so I'll skip that; although I didn't find any.
So when your main character is talking I would suggest using quotations or something like that so we can identify when they are talking. Also when the character is thinking something use italics so we can see they are thinking rather than talking. I thought a couple times there that your character was thinking but I'm not sure.
The idea for this was great and you did it well but to turn it from great to fantastic I would describe the scene around more and the characters emotion. From what I can tell you wanted this to be short and you can still have it short while using powerful words and imagery to paint the scene in the readers mind.
Overall this was nice to read and had a great idea. I hope to see more writing and if you ever need anything like a reviewer please contact me. Have a nice day.
-Zee
P.S. Sorry for typos in on my phone rather than my computer.
Okay so I'm here to give you a short review~
"I was sleeping when I heard a panicked voice."
It's usually a rule of thumb to never have your MC waking up in the opening line, but here it worked very well. The panicked voice specifically was what seeded a doubt in me and made me say "What's going on?"
"I saw my brother crying and mumbling words I can't even hear."
Replace "can't" with "couldn't." This is not style stuff, this is grammar.
"I walked across the room,"
I'd make this a sentence.
"Lying hopeless and bleeding."
Hopelessly*
"I saw the line at the monitor slowly moving in a horizontal manner and the upward zigzag motion was gone. Wait? That means dying right?"
I think the questions should go on a separate paragraph, so they'd have more force. Like this:
"I saw the line at the monitor slowly moving in a horizontal manner and the upward zigzag motion was gone.
Wait.
That means dying, right?"
"Walk and lie on the bed. Feel the urge of living. Remember, He won't leave you."
This feels weak to me. Sadly I don't know how to change it, but you should totally re-read it.
And I think that's it ^-^