Welcome to Orba Nova Chapter 8-9

by TheAceofAll

Published May 27, 2012

Camping With the hippy

            The water was fast moving and ice cold. I could feel the fish and whatnot swimming around my body. Good thing that stuff doesn’t creep me out. He he. In the back of my mind I figured that this must be a large river but my geography assumptions were the least of my worries. I knew that my backpack was water proof (my buddies got it for my 15th birthday) so I locked my board between my legs and awkwardly made my way across the river. The current was fast but the width was small, so I made it across without completely drowning. I threw my pack up to the bank of the river followed by my board.  I was about to climb out until I realized that Whinny was nowhere to be found. My eyes scanned the river until I saw her about 20 feet away still in the water. I figured she could swim so she probably just lost something in the water and was going after it until it hit me. She had heavy roller skates on. Thanking God that earlier I had put my leather jacket in my backpack, I kicked off my shoes and dove in after her. When my body hit the freezing water I felt something slide out of my pocked but I didn’t have time to worry about that. I gotta save Whinny. I sped forward with the current and it wasn’t long till I caught up with her. I couldn’t tell if she was conscious or not but regardless I dragged her to shore through the water. She coughed up a little water but I think she will be okay.

            She looked at me warily, “thanks Alex.”

            “What are friends for?” I responded.

            “I left my bag across the river.” She told me. “Please” she begged. I moaned but I dove in and came up on the other side. This spot on the river was thin so it wasn’t hard to through the bag across and then, once again, swam across the damn river.  I swear, after this I am never going near moving water again. Whinny still looked to be a bit water logged but I could see the color coming back to her face. I realized then how late it was getting. The sun had almost completely set and it was getting colder by the minute.

“Well Whinny, I think we need to set up camp ASAP.”

“I agree completely.” She said as she hacked up more water.

“Okay, well first we need a fire to keep us warm and hopefully dry out our clothes.” I fished into my pocket and saw that my matches were ruined. Of course. Regardless of my disappointment, I gathered some wood and some dry plants that looked pretty flammable. Whinny, I guess, was working to build a shelter. At least I think that is what she is doing. She is just dancing around all over the place and grabbing large sticks and leaves. And worst of all, she would not stop humming “You Are My Sunshine”. I might have to kill her in the dead of night. I found some stones to protect the fire and sat down in hopes to get it going. I tried to use friction, rocks to create a spark, and even the cave man way of rubbing two sticks together. Nothing. Fire God I’m not. I pulled out the drenched matches, and, just out of frustration, stuck one agent’s the grain. I nearly had a heart attack when a fire lit up the end of the stick. What the French toast? (I try to limit my usage of the F word.) This wood is soaked through from a river! Wet wood doesn’t burn. I could feel the dampness of the match at the end where I’m holding it but still a steady flame shot from the tip. This was no ordinary flame ether. It was at least two inches up and, unlike most matches, it didn't flicker around; it just stayed straight. I realized then that something else was wrong. The match was not burning down. The flame just burned around the top of the match and had yet to begin to burn down into the wood. OMG, I defile science. You know I must be in a state of shock when I start talking it text-lish. Regardless, I threw the match onto the pile of wood. I bent down to start to blow the fire up and I nearly lost my eyebrows. That flame shot up like someone turned on the glass burner. The fire was huge but containable (luckily) and I immediately felt the warmth surround me. I dropped my hand down on my soft, dry shirt. Wait, dry shirt? My shirt was wet and clingy not 10 minutes ago and now was stone dry. Freaky…

“Yay! You got the fire going!” Whinny materialized next to me while I was concentrating on the flames. I looked and yup, her clothes were still wet. Weird… I looked over to see the small tent like structure she had built. It kind of reminded me of Ehor’s house from Winnie the Pooh. (Who didn’t watch that as a kid?)

“Um… nice job” I told her.

“Yeah, we’ll be okay as long as it doesn’t rain.” BOOM! CRACK! Of freaking course! I had just enough time to arch a stick full of leaves to run the water away from the fire when the down poor began. Whinny and I huddled under the tree by the fire. First things first, I tied the packs up the tree to keep them off the wet ground.

“That’s smart.” Whinny commented as she gathered a bunch of vines and started to braid them together.

“Yeah, my dad used to camp. He taught me a lot.”

“Cool” she said. “Could you climb up and get me some of those vines?”

“Um… okay.” I said as I moved up the tree. I pulled my switchblade out and cut down the dark colored vines. By the time I got to the bottom of the tree with the rope like vines, I saw what she was doing and, I gotta say, she is smart. She made a hammock and stung it up under the canopy of the trees. “That’s genius” I said in astonishment.

“You’re not the only one who had outdoor loving parents.” She commented. “My entire family is in tuned with Mother Earth so of course I know how to live from the land.” I love how she said that as if that it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Cool.” I said as she continued to weave an elaborate braid in and out. It toke her maybe 10 minutes to create a second hammock which she hung next to the first. After gathering more firewood and shoving it in the tree I ascended into my newly claimed hammock. It was surprisingly comfortable after I wrapped myself in my jacket and used my pack as a pillow. We toke inventory of our supplies. Whinny had a few of those organic chip things, a few bottles of water, and about a dozen granola bars. I, unfortunately, did not think to pack food and now was forced to comp down on peace food. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers and I was grateful that she was willing to share her food with me. I hadn’t realized how tired I was until I settled down and fell into a deep sleep.

I woke up to the bright light of morning shining through the canopy leaves. Good lord I hate getting up in the morning. I felt sore and achy but I can’t decide whether or not that was from sleeping in a vine made hammock or falling 2000 feet. You can never tell.  Whinny was already up and was eating a granola bar around the embers of the fire. When she saw that I was up she waved. I hoped to the ground and, kind of wobbly, made my way to the fire. I noticed how wet the ground was but didn’t care; I was just too sore and tried to give a damn. We said nothing as I munched on another granola bar. “Well,” she finally said, “let’s get moving.” That was all it took. I strapped my helmet on and grabbed my board. Within minutes, she had her blades on and we were off on the path once again.

            I could tell that Whinny was tired too because she didn’t say a word as we road along the path. Based on her actions yesterday, this is kind of unusual. I have no trouble with it thought; needless to say, I’m not a morning person. We rode along the path heading in the direction where the nearest person may have fallen. I hope that we get there soon because I am getting tired of all this looking. I should be focusing my energy to getting out of here not looking for some random person that was probably killed when he/she fell. I know I sound selfish but you didn’t sleep in the cold wet night. I am beat and sore and really need a shower. Not to mention that the person ether got up and is now long gone or pushing up daises. It was almost mid-morning; I would say around nine o’clock. It was getting warm and muggy; I could hear all kinds of sounds coming from the woods that freaked me out all over again. I could feel my eyes getting heavy and I realized then that I may be coming down with heat stroke. Just as I debated whether or not I am going to pass out, I ran smack into someone.

The first thing i noticed about the guy I ran into was that if he would lose the geek artier, he might actually be attractive. He had a good build and nice, brown hair that was combed back over his head. The glasses kinda ruined his nice features (especially since they looked like a mix of Harry Potter and Steve Urkle). His cloths looked like he did a random select from the Gap with the sweater vest and khaki. The next thing I noticed was the guy who was helping him up. He was at least six foot and had a good build. Not over the top I’m-on-steroids but still like he worked out a lot. He had bold features and sand colored hair that lay around his ears. I didn’t like him but based on Whinnies sighs, I think she might have. “Um… I’m sorry,” I muttered, “are you okay?” 

            “Yeah, I think so,” he said as the buff guy helped him to his feet. I realized then that he was wearing one of those Letterman jackets. Like the ones those school athletes wear. Great, now I have to deal with a jock. The dork kid looked up at me and stumbled to his feet. He swiftly readjusted himself and awkwardly put his hand out to shake. I accepted and he introduced himself. “Hello, my name is Danny and the mountain behind me is Justin.”

            “I’m Alex Runner.”

            “And I am Whinny Wildflower Geminiey.”

            “Well now that you four are all acquainted I think it is time you learned what you are all doing her,” a rather high pitched voice proclaimed.

Welcome to Orba Nova

From the over-brush came the freakiest looking thing I have ever seen. It was about three feet tall and, well, sort of reminded me of a mix of a Teddy bear and a cat. It had a large, tan body and looked to be very furry. Its head was about the size of a persons and it had a flat, snout nose with big green eyes along with pointy cat ears. Weirdest of all was that it was wearing blue dress pants. What the heck? Why is a genetic factory reject of an animal wearing pants? I realized then what had occurred; the voice had come from him! "Um... little guy, was it you who just talked?" I asked nervously.

"Little!? I will have you know I am the largest in my village!" the freak thing screamed.

"Holy shit it talks!" Justin screamed.

"Of course I speak you behemoth!" the Thing yelled, "almost all creatures of this land can speak! I would assume that after spending a night here you would have realized that. I mean, you fours presence here is the talk of the whole Forrest. I must have herd at least ten different beings gossiping of how humans have appeared in Artifices Forrest."

"Wait, did you say that animals can talk here?"

"Well obviously, what did you say your name was- Alex Runner?"

"Yeah that's me."

"Well Alex Runner, in answer to your question- yes most 'animals' as you call them, can indeed speak. Quite fluently in most cases though I did run into rather large parquet who only spoke Spanish. Very annoying it was."

"Wait; even if you can talk then how do you know English?" Danny asked the thing.

"All will be explained in time Mr. -Ah?"

"Danny Sternest"

"Very well Danny Sternest, I can assure you I will tell all but first let me introduce myself. I am Kalday Maquelints Fending of the Shifters tribe and I am honored to meet you all."

"What is the Shifters Tribe" Whinny said while staring at the thing or should I say, um, whatever he said his name was.

"Shifter is the name of my species. We come from what you call a bore but, like most creatures, we are blessed by Artifice with speech. We are called Shifters due to our given ability to change into any Low Dimension creature aside from the Nobles."

Justin got a curious look on his face, "What is the Low Dimension?

"You dimension."

"Jee... Thanks" I muttered.

"It is nothing to be ashamed of that you were cursed with being born in the lesser world- your here now and that is what counts." Okay I kinda want hit this thing. It must also read minds because it responded to my violent tendencies pretty quick.

"Alexandria, try as you might with all your strength but you cannot hit something that can become as large as an elephant and as small as a cockroach in a matter of seconds. Now when you become a warrior I may have a problem but for now-" I cut him off,

"Hey, what's this about me being a warrior?"

"As I said before, all will be explained in due time. For now, I ask you all to sit and listen to my words as I explain what you are all doing here." Kalday Mick whatever- you know what, I'm just going to call him KM- toke in a deep breath. “Let us start at the beginning. The place where you sit is different from where you are from. We are no longer in your Dimension- we are in a place called Orba Nova." We all gasped but he just kept going, “as you can guess, this place is different from the world you know. For example, I assume that animals cannot speak where you are from." We all wearily shook our heads. "Interesting but still. In the beginning, a council of supreme beings existed. I believe that your kind called them Gods. The beings decided to create a world of their own and model the creatures from each of their likenesses; the leader molding the most advance spices after himself and gave them dozens of advantages over all others. Most found this to be a great solution to the beings loneliness and began their supreme work. Only one disagreed with this idea. She felt that all beings should be equal in rights and minds. While her brethren created their own world, she decided to create a new dimension and build her own home. She called this place Orba Nova for in her language that means 'a new world'."

"Hey that's Latin!" Justin screamed. How weird, he speaks Latin too.

"Yes that is what your people call it but back to what I was saying," KM looked rather annoyed. “To continue, Artifice built this world with near every creature she created being intelligent and spoke. She found her loneliness disappeared completely and there was peace throughout the dimension. That is, until the peace was shattered when one of the Supreme Beings became jealous of the success of Artifice. He was consumed by the blackness of his heart and, from then on became known only as Neveray Tenebris.”

“That’s a freaky name,”

“Please stop interruption.” KM said getting even more pissed. “Neveray Tenebris decided to take over both of the world and in his wake bring destruction and death. When Neveray Tenebris began his attack on Orba Nova, Artifice called forth the most powerful spirits in the dimension and asked for their help.  These spirits were Rainbow Trout, Bear, Pegasus, Viper, Hawk, Panther, Dragon, Shark, and Lion.  She then went to her brethren and they allowed her to call forth the greatest warriors of the humans. The spirits of the animals (or as we call them Nobles) fused together with the humans to combat Neveray Tenebris. After a costly war he was defeated but unfortunately that was not the end of the troubles. After a year without The Dark One, the warrior who had lead the others, the Lion, began to question Artifice. Neveray Tenebris had entered his mind and found a way to make him turn away from goodness and inevitably turn evil. He released Neveray Tenebris from his imprisonment and another war began. The Lion was forever changed by the presence of Neveray Tenebris and became forever known as The Crow.” Whinny gasped and began to like pray to someone or something.

“What’s your problem?” I asked.

“The crow is the darkest of all beasts.” She responded as she did a weird spirit dance.

“Back to what I was saying,” Man did KM look pissed. “There was a second war and we nearly lost due to the fighting between the next two the bickering between all of the Nobles.”

“Why were they fighting?” Danny questioned.

KM was really starting to get mad now, “they fought because all felt that they should be the leader after The Lion. They continued to bicker and this nearly cost them the war. This eternal conflict resulted in a lack unity when Neveray Tenebris came and because of this, the imprisonment that they bestowed upon him was only temporary. Knowing this, a prophecy was foretold that, when Neveray Tenebris eventually broke his chains, Artifice would bring eight humans to take in the power of the Nobles and defeat Neveray Tenebris.”

“So, that’s us?”

Now KM was looking raving mad. “Yes I was just getting to that. You all have been brought here in order to replace our former warriors and destroy Neveray Tenebris. Artifice felt it best to split you up into two gropes in order to resolve the… uh… leadership problem. The Nobles are said to reveal themselves to you when they feel the time is right so you will all have to be patient. Now let me explain, the first one of you to receive his/her powers will become the leader of the respected grope. Later on, Artifice will decide who will be the ultimate leader you all come together.”

“What the heck? What are we supposed to do? Just run around playing solider?”

“Alexandria,” KM gritted his teeth, “I was getting around to that. Currently, Neveray Tenebris has sent his ten minions around to the ten main cities of Orba Nova. Right now, your job is to remove the spirits for they are poisoning the minds and overall the essence of our world.”

“Okay, whatever.”

"As I was saying," KM continued, "the wrist watches that you all received are how the Nobles will connect with you. When your spirit finds you, it will imprison itself within the watch. When this happens, you will be able to release the powers of the Nobles whenever you need them."

"Wait, so you want us to believe that we're supper to fight some freak evil god thing with magic wristwatches? Honestly?"

That did it. "Justin! All of you be silent!" KM exploded, "I will answer all questions at the end but until then, all of you be quiet!" Someone needs anger management. Not that I should talk. Well anyway that was enough to shut all of us up. KM might have realized that he hurt our feelings (well everyone else's anyway. Me, he just earned my respect. I hate when people interrupt.) But he just kept on going explaining, "Yes I know this is a lot to take in but you will all get used to the idea. The nearest city infected with one of the dark ones minions is known as Vulcan City. That is where we will start. We will rid it of the demon that terrorizes the people and then move to the next. We must purify five cities and then report to the Capital. That is our mission and we will do it whether you like it or not." KM eyed us all.

"Well," I said with a sigh, “we won't get anywhere standing still so come on and let’s get going."

"I'm with you Alex." Whinny chimed in, "These people need help and we are going to do it. Like my mom says, 'good karma comes with helping without anything in return."

"I'm in," Justin stated,” This just sounds cool with powers and all. Maybe I will be leader." Oh boy.

Danny looked a little nervous, “Can’t you all do this without me? I mean, I really don't condone violence." Well, he and I might just become confrontational.

"I'm sorry Daniel, but you do not have a choice. For some reason, Artifice has recognized you all to have something different about you. She feels that you all have the ability and the potential to save her world. She would not have brought you all here if she did not have faith in all of you."

"Why did a bunch of other kids come on the train with us then?" I asked.

"She knew not your own personal identities but only where your power resides. She brought forth all that could be the ones that she was looking for. The gate that you all fell through was the determination of your true identities. It is very interesting how you all were selected though."

 The way he said that kind of rubbed me the wrong way. "What does that mean?"

"I mean that aside from the fact that you all look to be rather young, I never would have thought that Artifice would allow the weak gender ( being women) to become a warriors" He chuckled. Oh my lord, he did not just say that. Now, I'm pissed.

I picked his little body up and pinned him up against the nearest tree trunk, "Now," I snarled,” what was that about weak gender?"

KM stuttered, "N-nothing sir. I mean ma'am." I put him down. I am always told to watch my temper but I say it gets the job done. Whoever says that needs an ass kicking. KM looked frazzled and I sort of felt bad.

"Sorry KM, I have a hard time dealing with my temper."

"That's kind of an understatement." Justin muttered under his breath but I let it go.

"I understand Alexandria, no one is perfect and perhaps the comment regarding women of your species was immature at best. I will do my best to not offend you all."

"I appreciate that, KM. I hope you don't mind me calling you that."

"Not at all Alexandria."

"I prefer just Alex."

"Very well just Alex. Now I feel it is time for us all to get moving. We have a big job ahead and we need to get started. I know you will all need time to adjust but we will simply have to make due. I will answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability." And with that, we were on our way.

Comments & reviews · 1
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Terracotta
Review
Terracotta wrote a review Review · May 28, 2012

Hi Ace,

I just read these two chapters and I’d like to leave you a review. :)

MICRO COMMENTS
>Good thing that stuff doesn’t creep me out. He he.

I feel like the “he he” is a little too much.

>Thanking God that earlier I had put my leather jacket in my backpack

I don’t understand why this is important right now?

>I gotta save Whinny.

“Gotta” is present tense.

>She coughed up a little water but I think she will be okay.

You change to present tense in the middle of the sentence. I think it is better to stay in one tense.

>She looked at me warily, “thanks Alex.”

I think “thanks” should be capitalized.

>“Please” she begged. I moaned

I think quotations should always have a comma at the end unless they end with a question mark or an exclamation point.

Also, to me “moaned” sounds like something you do when you’re in pain. I feel like “groaned” sounds more like someone who is reluctant to do something.

>it wasn’t hard to through the bag across

I think you mean “throw” not “through.”

> I swear, after this I am never going near moving water again.

This is in present tense.

>“I agree completely.” She said as she hacked up more water.

Once more, I think quotations usually end in a comma when they are followed by an attribution, unless they require a question mark or an exclamation point.

>At least I think that is what she is doing.

This is in present tense.

>she would not stop humming “You Are My Sunshine”.

Here, I think the period should go inside the ending quotation mark.
> sat down in hopes to get it going.

“In hopes OF getting it going” sounds more natural to me.

>Fire God I’m not.

I like this line; it made me chuckle. I think that “Fire God I am not” sounds more dramatic.

>stuck one agent’s the grain.

I thinks you mean “struck” instead of “stuck” and “against” instead of “agent’s.”

>(I try to limit my usage of the F word.)

I thought the “French toast” gag was funny without this line.

>This wood is soaked through from a river!

Present tense.

>This was no ordinary flame ether.

I think you mean “either” not “ether.”

>It was at least two inches up

I think “two inches high” is a more specific description.

>when I start talking it text-lish.

I think you mean “in” not “it.”

>I bent down to start to blow the fire up and I nearly lost my eyebrows.

I think “to blow on the fire” is a clearer description. I also like it better because the word “up” appears a lot in this bunch of sentences.

>like someone turned on the glass burner

I think you mean “gas burner” not “glass.” Also, I think “a gas burner” makes more sense, because “the gas burner” makes it sound like you are talking about a specific one.

>Ehor’s house from Winnie the Pooh

I think it’s spelled “Eeyore.”

>(Who didn’t watch that as a kid?)

I don’t think this sentence is needed.

>down poor

I think you mean “downpour.”

>“That’s smart.” Whinny commented

I think the period after smart should be a comma.

>“Cool” she said.

This is the last time I’ll bother you with this, but I think there should be a comma after “cool.”

>She made a hammock and stung it up under the canopy of the trees.

I think you mean “strung” not “stung.” Also, I think “the canopy of trees” is sufficient without the second “the.”

>“My entire family is in tuned with Mother Earth

I think you mean “in tune” not “in tuned.”

>was forced to comp down on peace food.

I think “comp” is meant to be “chomped”?

>I woke up to the bright light of morning shining through the canopy leaves.

I think “canopy OF leaves” sounds more natural.

>I hoped to the ground

I think “hoped” is supposed to be “hopped.”

>I was just too sore and tried to give a damn

I think “tried” is supposed to be “tired”?

>she didn’t say a word as we road along the path.

I think you meant “rode” rather than “road.”

> I have no trouble with it thought

I think “thought” it supposed to be “thought.”

>where the nearest person may have fallen.

I feel like this sentence is a little too vague. I might suggest saying “where we think the nearest person fell” or “where we saw the nearest person fall.”

>I should be focusing my energy to getting out of here

“On getting out of here” sounds more natural to me than “to getting out of here.”

>Not to mention that the person ether got up

I think you mean “either” not “ether.”

>The first thing i noticed about the guy

I think the “i” here isn’t supposed to be lowercase.

>if he would lose the geek artier

I think “artier” here should be “attire.”

>His cloths looked like he did a random select

I think you mean “clothes” not “cloths.”

>He was at least six foot and had a good build

You used “good build” to describe the other guy as well. I feel like another phrase might be more specific and help to differentiate between the two guys.

>He swiftly readjusted himself

This sounded strange to me. I’m not sure what you mean. Did he shift his balance? Did he adjust his clothes? Did he comb a hand through his hair?

>Its head was about the size of a persons

I think “persons” should be possessive, “person’s.”

>I mean, you fours presence here is the talk of the whole Forrest

To me, “you fours presence” sounds awkward. I feel like it could be rewritten as “the four of you being present here” or something like that.

>I must have herd at least ten different beings gossiping of how humans have appeared in Artifices Forrest.

I think you mean “heard” instead of “herd. Also, I wasn’t sure if you mean to spell “Forrest” with two r’s? Usually it only takes one.

>I did run into rather large parquet

Do you mean a parakeet, the small Australian parrot?

>"What is the Shifters Tribe" Whinny said

I think this quotation should have a question mark.

>We come from what you call a bore

I am not sure what this means?

>"You dimension."

I think this is supposed to say “your dimension.”

>"Jee... Thanks" I muttered.

I think “jee” should be spelled “gee.”

>your here now

I think this is supposed to be “you’re” or “you are” instead of the possessive “your.”

>Okay I kinda want hit this thing.

I think this sentence is missing a “to” before “hit.”

>Kalday Mick whatever- you know what, I'm just going to call him KM- toke in a deep breath.

I think you mean “took,” not “toke.”

>The place where you sit is different from where you are from. We are no longer in your Dimension- >we are in a place called Orba Nova." We all gasped but he just kept going, “as you can guess, this >place is different from the world you know.

You say “the place where you are is different” twice. That seemed redundant to me.

>the leader molding the most advance spices

I think “spices” is supposed to say “species.”

>Most found this to be a great solution to the beings loneliness and began their supreme work.

I think “beings” should be “being’s,” because it’s possessive.

Also, I was wondering why they are lonely in the first place? If that is the reason for them building new worlds, I think it might be worth talking about a little bit more. :)

>“Please stop interruption.”

I feel like “stop interrupting” is what you meant? I haven’t heard “stop interruption” before.

>Neveray Tenebris decided to take over both of the world

I think “world” should be “worlds.”

>“The crow is the darkest of all beasts.” She responded as she did a weird spirit dance.

This made me laugh. Great visual.

>we nearly lost due to the fighting between the next two the bickering between all of the Nobles.”

This sentence confused me. Who are the two? And are they different from the Nobles who are bickering? Maybe this should be two sentences?

>KM was really starting to get mad now

You say this several times in various ways. I feel like it is hard to picture him getting madder and madder. Maybe if you described specifically how he expresses his increasing anger, I could visualize it more easily.

>This eternal conflict resulted in a lack unity when Neveray Tenebris came

I think “eternal” (everlasting) should be “internal” (inner, inside of, amongst themselves).

>Knowing this, a prophecy was foretold that,

Who told the prophecy?

>Artifice felt it best to split you up into two gropes in order to resolve the… uh… leadership problem.

I think you mean “groups” not “gropes” (a verb, to grab). Also, I am curious how this will solve the leadership problem? Because there are fewer of them to argue? Because one cannot try to control them all at once?

>the first one of you to receive his/her powers will become the leader of the respected grope

I think you mean “respective group.”

>Later on, Artifice will decide who will be the ultimate leader you all come together.”

I feel like this sentence is missing a word. Maybe “when you all come together”?

>so you want us to believe that we're supper to fight some freak evil god thing with magic >wristwatches?

Is “supper” supposed to be “supposed”?

Also, very quirky concept. I like the creativity a lot. :)

> 'good karma comes with helping without anything in return."

I think there is a single quotation missing after “return.”

>all of you

This shows up I think three times in a row. I feel like it’s a little distracting. Maybe another phrase could replace it in some places?

I also think it’s okay to use “you” to describe a group of people... it is not always singular.

>I picked his little body up and pinned him up against the nearest tree trunk

How come MK doesn’t change shape to avoid Alex pinning him to the tree like he said he could do earlier?

MACRO COMMENTS
Consistency: In the beginning, Alex say she thinks the river is large, but then she says it is not wide. I wasn’t sure why she thought it was large at first? And exactly how big is it? Alex says it’s thin, but she also says Whinny is twenty feet away before she dives in to save her, which sounds pretty wide to me. I think it might help if you used more specific measurements instead of general words like “wide,” “large,” and “thin,” which only have meaning relative to something else.

I was a little unsure of the description of MK. When you said he had a “flat snout nose” I wasn’t sure if you meant he had a flat, STOUT nose, a flat snout, or a flat nose? I feel like if you just said “flat snout with a cat-like nose” (or whatever his nose is like) the visual might be a lot less ambiguous and you could also include more information.

I am curious what Alex dropped in the river when she saved Whinny! She hasn’t remembered it yet, but I’m sure it must be important.

I really like MK—he sounds like the typical quirky supervisor/mentor character, like Zazu in the Lion King. :)

I also like the contrasting characters. It allows for a lot of humorous exchanges (e.g. “I may have to kill her the dead if night”).

Hope you find this useful!

Keep it up.



I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan