Published May 8, 2012
WAIT, WHERE ARE WE GOING?
I looked over to see Jessica Hallow standing there pointing at the seat next to me. Jessica is a girl I’ve met a few times at the skate park. We aren’t really friends but I didn’t mind having a friendly face to sit next to.
“Na, go ahead” I said nonchalantly. Jessica sat down and we started to talk. Apparently, she had gotten her letter today as well with the same excuse of how the people’s computer had had a glitch. We asked the kids in front of us and they told the same story. I got up to go question the conductor when I bumped into a girl. It was an accident and we both fell down, I said I was sorry but she apparently, she’s a bitch.
“What where you’re going you piece of trash!” Piece of trash? Who calls someone that? This one doesn’t know who she is fighting
“At least I’m not an ass,” I said matter-of-factly. Come on, who freaks out over someone accidently bumping in to her. I even said sorry! I almost never do that!
“I am not an ass!” She screamed, “and you are a piece of trash for even thinking that you can pretend to just accidently bump into me and think that I’m not going to see through you!” What the hell is going through this girls head?
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I screeched using my oh-so-loud voice. What can I say, I was pissed.
“I’m Gigi Cowing you moron.”
“Um…who?”
“Aaaa!” she screamed at the top of her lungs (still not as loud as me). “How can you not know me? I did all of the Cutie Girl makeup commercials!” Oh, that explains why I don’t know her.
“Okay, then why are you here?” I asked hoping she would stop screaming because she was making everyone stare.
“I got a letter demanding my presence and my body guard is on vacation.” Body guard? “Now, if you will excuse me, I need to talk to the conductor.” She walked away with her nose in the air and I just sat down. I was starting to get a head ache from that witch.
“What was her problem?” Jessica asked.
“Idk but she was getting on my nerves.”
“Me too,” Jessica agreed and that ended out conversation on Gigi Cowing. We talked about skater stuff and relaxed. I notice that at the top of the train was one of those boards that can tell you where you’re going. It said: TOWN TO TOWN TRANSPORTSATION- NEXT STOP CORRECTIONAL CONFERENCE. I sighed; I really didn’t want to go to this thing. I saw out of the corner of my eye that Gigi Cowing had returned looking rather disappointed. She probable didn’t get to see the conductor even though she is “famous”. I checked the clock, it was about seven o’clock. I wonder if we will be arriving soon. I just realized: I have no idea where this thing is. For all I know, this train is speeding into Canada or, like, Mexico or something. I stared out the window in hopes to see some kind of landmark, but all I could see was a blur. I then realized that we are going too fast. I’m no expert, but I do know that the train I boarded was on the older side and could never go at this speed. What the hell is going on? I started to panic but relaxed quickly. What am I worried about? I don’t know crap about trains and I can’t tell how fast this thing is going. What do I know?
Suddenly, there was a powerful jolt underneath feet. I know something’s up. I looked out the window and saw us accelerating. I also saw the other three trains around me, all accelerating. By now, everyone was on their feet and staring out the windows, trying their cell phones, pounding on the door that lead to the conductors’ quarters. I saw some kids begin to panic and I saw one pass out. I tried to calm myself and think thing through but the train just kept going faster and faster. Then, everything went dark. The only light was the lights from the train-outside nothing. Then I noticed something else; the bored that said destinations changed. The writing was different and I couldn’t initially understand it. I realized that is it was written in Latin.
I do know how to speak, read, and write in Latin. See, my school offers it as a foreign language and while I was filling out my courses, I was going to choose Spanish but then my mom cane in and started to go on about how the school is wasting money with offering Latin. Then she started to go off all about how it was a language that no one used and should be thrown out. I, naturally, had to choose it for my language. I only found out when I got there that I’m good at it. It was easy; I caught on so fast that I was moved on to the AP class. Even then it was a piece of cake. It was like second nature. Anyway I pointed to the change and everyone started staring at it. When I mentioned that I speak Latin, they all started to beg me to translate it. I agreed reluctantly; I was hoping that someone else could do it but apparently everyone else has nice parents. I sighed then sat and read the board. It said: NULLA DIMENSIONEM EST DIMENSIONEM LOREM IPSUM DOLOR, ORBA NOVA. I racked my brain and began to translate the text. Everyone stared as I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate.
“Okay, I think I have the translation,” I said as everyone seemed to hang on to every word that came out of my mouth. “Now this is rough but I am pretty sure it says: Dimension to dimension transit. Next stop is somewhere called Orba Nova.” People started to freak out beyond belief. People started to drought weather I am translating right and, to be honest, I am starting to second guess my ability too. That bored makes no sense what so ever. Where the hell is Orba Nova? What does it mean dimension to dimension? I watched people run up and down the cars; trying to find a way out. I saw some trying to get Google Translate on their cell phones but I could tell by their faces that it wasn’t working out so well.
Jessica ran over to me, shaking with fear, “Alex, where do you think this place, Orba Nova, is?” I honestly had no answer for her and I just couldn’t lie to make someone else feel better (not like I do that very often anyway).
“I have no idea but I am pretty sure that this isn’t what I signed up for.”
“Yeah,” Jessica agreed as she sat and tried to calm herself.
“I’m sure that we’ll all be fine,” I said but it was way too obvious that I was lying. Jessica started to sob and cry. I’m not one who cries very often and, quite frankly, I don’t know what to do when someone does. “Um…” I said nervously, “there, there.” I did my best to comfort her but I think I made the moment even more awkward than it was before. I didn’t realize that was possible but whatever. Suddenly, it hit me. I was furious. How dare someone do this to me! I have rights and no one should be able to do this! I am an American citizen and now I have to kick some serious ass. I kicked the door, but instead of feeling better, I felt even angrier. I tried my best to relax. I did the thing the school counselor had told me to do; count to ten and just use your voice to get your point across. You need to understand; I have been diagnosed with anger problems and I am not going into all the technical terms. My anger just hits me and suddenly I’m raving mad. Eh well, nobody’s perfect. What are you going to do? I sat down and began to take deep breaths. Everyone around me was terrified; most of them were screaming and a few were curled up and crying. I mounded feeling sick to my stomach. What is happening? Am I going to die? Will I ever see my mom again? I might kinda want the last one to be a no. Maybe. A little. Don’t judge me.
By now, the screaming around me had all become a back-round hum. I watched the window in hopes to see something, anything that will let me know where I am. There was nothing; only darkness. Even though I couldn’t see anything, I still felt that we were accelerating. I had to get a hold of myself before I freaked out. You all need to realize that this is terrifying. I have basically been abducted and am now heading to who-knows-where and I can’t even see outside this train. Suddenly, I felt us slowing down. In fact, we came to a stop a little too rapidly and I, along with everyone else on bored, jolted forward. The doors opened up and a new message appeared on the bored. It said: nunc exeunt. That one’s easy; it said to exit now. I know the sign said that but no one needed a translation. Everyone piled out of the doors but suddenly, they all stopped dead in their tracks. I grabbed my pack pushed my way out the door and, I must say, it didn’t take long to figure out why people stayed where they stud.
so…who wants to go first?
You wouldn’t believe what was in front of us. If someone had said this had happened to them, I would have told them that they are full of shit. But there we were; and I was going to have to accept it. In front of us was a chasm at least 100 feet across. I have no idea how far down the pit went. We couldn’t see anything; there was only darkness. The only light eliminated from the train and even then, the sheer blackness of this place was enough to give me the chills. I couldn’t help but shudder and I could see that I wasn’t the only one who did. I heard someone whistled in the style of the classic cliché.
I looked over to see that Jessica had made her way to my side. “So,” she stuttered, “how far do you think this thing goes?”
“I have no idea.” I replied still a little dumfounded that we have been dropped off in where-ever-we-are. I looked over the edge and did an old fashion way to tell the depth; I spit into the chasm. I’ve seen it work before so why not? I heard a few people snicker at me but most did what I did; listen for the splat. We never heard it. In case you are not familiar with this technique, than you should know that is not a good sign. Everyone stared over the edge of the cliff in shock. We were all about to get on the train when its doors closed. People pounded on the doors as hard as they could but they just wouldn’t budge. Even worse, the train began to move. Before anyone could react; a tunnel opened up and the train sped away. Just as fast as the tunnel appeared; it was gone. Our only escape was gone.
There we all stud; on a small, cement platform over the edge of an apparently endless cliff. This is also the site where 60 tough, strong minded kids began to cry for their Mommies. Well, I didn’t but still. People flipped out like no tomorrow (which may be true). I can not tell you the anarchy that unfolded within ten minutes of people being trapped. It was like the Lord of the Flies. Right when some tall kid declared himself Emperor and foretold that we will need to eat each other in ritual sacrifice to appease the cement and train spites a light appeared over the pit. It wasn’t like a blinding light but more of a glow. Still, it was enough to grab everyone’s attention. The light turned out to be a message board for what appeared was, lucky me, more Latin writing. It said: Catulos, reuerteretur domum tuam jump in foveam. De bello delectus et auxilio est opus. Reliqui domum te. Cumque cadent omnes definiantur per portam red. Everyone stared at me and I guess they wanted a translation. Why is it always me who has to do this crap? I sighed and read the message over again. I’m no expert at this especially under pressure but I think I got the gist of it.
“Well,” I began, “It’s rough but I think it says something to the effect of: Young ones. Return home. Jump. Chosen on needed…um…Others go home. All decided…red gate.” When I finished, people just stared at me. They just stared. I don’t think some of them even blinked.
Jessica finally found her voice, “So, we have to jump off the cliff?” she asked.
“Yeah basically,” I responded. We all looked over the edge of the cliff.
“So which one of you losers wants to go first?” echoed a rather snobby voice. I looked to my left to see none other than Gigi Cowing. Then with just one shove we had a volunteer. I could hear her screaming all the way down but then it we saw a light in the chasm and then the screams just stopped. No splat, no zap, they just stopped.
“Think she died?” someone asked behind me.
“Don’t think so,” I responded, “we would have head something.”
“What do you think we should do?” Jessica asked me.
“We don’t have a choice.” I said, “We’re stuck between a rock and a hard place so might as well push back.”
“What does that mean?”
I looked to Jessica with a smile, “Geronomo!” I jumped off the cliff. I plummeted into the darkness; cool air whipped agents my face and pushed my hair back. From behind me I could hear other people who got up the guts to jump as well. Some people would say plummeting into darkness would be scary but I have got to say it is kind of fun; exhilarating even. I yelled out too; not from fear but from excitement. I never think about death and it never crossed my mind that this could kill me. Eh well… think about those things and you will never have any fun. I kept on falling with no sign of end. I began to wonder if the thing went on forever. From behind me, I could hear the screams of all the others who jumped but that was about all I could hear with the wind whipping in my ears. Even though I had only been falling for maybe a minute, it felt like hours. You know that felling in your stomach when you fall? Well, it went away. Suddenly in front of me I saw walls that seemed to encircle around me. Then in front I saw a red ring that rapped around the walls. The Red Gate? Well, I figured that part out and now I am falling straight towards it. As long as the fancy writing was telling the truth, this should be my ticket home. Well, this has been fun bet I need to get back. If I hurry, I can still make the skateboarding competition. I braced myself for impact. Just a few more seconds and this will all be over. Three…two… one… Like lighting, a light surrounded me with such incredible power I was temporarily blinded. It engulfed me but within seconds it was gone. I must be home! Then I realized that I was still falling. I opened my eyes and saw a place that could not be more unlike home.
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Hey AceOfAll!


I know I'm a little behind, but I will get to your next few chapters soon.
MICRO COMMENTS
>We aren’t really friends but I didn’t mind having a friendly face to sit next to.
First, I think compound sentences need a comma before the conjunction. I like to ask myself, is there a new subject being introduced after the conjunction? If so, I use a comma (e.g. "I like to eat bananas and cookies." No subject after conjunction, no comma. "I like to eat bananas, and I like to eat cookies." Subject named after the conjunction, comma). I don't think that rule is always necessary, but I find it helpful with tricky punctuation.
Second, I think it might be nice to replace "friendly" with "familiar," because Alex just said they weren't really friends.
>“Na, go ahead” I said nonchalantly.
I like to spell words like "nah" and "ah" with an "h," but I really have no idea if there is a "proper" way to spell them.
Also, I think there should be a comma after "ahead" (you usually put commas at the end of quotes, so I think this was just a typo).
>with the same excuse of how the people’s computer had had a glitch
I think this could be rewritten to avoid saying "had had" (e.g. "the same excuse about how there had been a glitch with the computer system").
> they told the same story.
I feel like this sentence would sound more natural with an "us" after "told."
>I said I was sorry but she apparently, she’s a bitch.
I think this sentence is a little confusing. I think it would help if you used a comma to separate the independent clauses ("I said I was sorry" and "apparently she's a bitch") and avoid changing tense. The contraction "she's" means "she is" which is in the present tense, but "said" is in the past tense. I think it would be clearer if the sentence was written as, "I said I was sorry, but apparently she was a bitch" or something like that.
>“What where you’re going you piece of trash!”
I think you meant "watch" not "what." Also, I feel like an attribution ("she said," "she snarled," etc.) after the quote would be nice, so I know immediately the strange girl says this insult and not Alex.
>Piece of trash?
I like to put things like this in italics, to emphasize it is a thought or something that has already been said, rather than action taking place.
>This one doesn’t know who she is fighting
I think there should be a period after "fighting."
>“I am not an ass!” She screamed, “and you are a piece of trash
Here, I think "she" should be lower case. Even though in grammar class we're told not to begin a sentence with "and," people do it all the time while talking, so personally I would put a period after "screamed" and capitalize "and" like it's a new sentence.
>through this girls head?
I think it's standard to write most possessives with an apostrophe (e.g. "girl's").
>I screeched using my oh-so-loud voice
"Screeched" to me sounds high-pitched and whiny. I feel like another word, like "bellowed" or "boomed," might convey a louder, more intimidating voice.
>“Idk but she was getting on my nerves.”
I was wondering, did Alex really say i-d-k or did she say "I don't know"? I wonder if there is a clearer way to write that?
>Jessica agreed and that ended out conversation on Gigi Cowing.
I think you mean "our" not "out."
> I notice that at the top of the train
Here "notice" is in present tense, but most of the story is in the past tense. I feel like staying in one tense is clearer and easier to follow.
> I also saw the other three trains around me,
I think this can be more specific. Are the other trains on either side of Alex's train? Behind it? Or in front of it?
>Then, everything went dark. The only light was the lights from the train-outside nothing.
I was confused by this. What is still visible? If everything OUTSIDE the train is dark, I might suggest rewriting it as "Everything outside the train went black. Even though the lights inside were still on, we couldn't see past the dark windows" or something like that.
>but then my mom cane in
I think you mean "came" not "cane."
>It was like second nature.
While I think it's fine for Alex to acknowledge she was good at Latin, this last sentence seemed like one too many to me and made me feel like she was bragging.
> I mounded feeling sick to my stomach.
I'm not sure what you mean here?
MACRO COMMENTS
There are several places where you change tense. I think it is very important to remain in one tense. I like to double check myself and try to rewrite sentences that sound funny in the tense I'm using. (Also, I think contractions like "it's" and "she's" can be tricky because it's not clear which tense they are in.)
Again, I really enjoy your characterization (e.g. when Alex gets up to go talk to the conductor). She is very bold and is always willing to take the lead, which I think makes her likable.
I think you have a very informal, conversational style, which I like. I do think it is a fine line between being conversational and being in the reader's face. Things like "Nobody's perfect, what can you do?" I feel are good. They add flavor and humor. However, I think you used the phrase "you need to understand" a little too often.
I laughed out loud several times the first time I read this (e.g. when Alex tries to comfort Jessica, when she says "don't judge me," and when she pushes Gigi into the abyss).
I wanted to be more thorough, but I also don't want to stretch the page too, too much.Hope this review is useful though!
Looking forward to your next installment.