A One-day Autobiography
The Saturday 6-o'clock alarm sends its piercing squeak all around. I sleepily fumble around to mute that always-surprising day-starter. The first attempts to do so are futile; so, I tumble out of bed, deaden it, and stretch my legs. Lingering on for a while, I come to my feet and peep through the window to assure myself that the day has undeniably begun. Wishing that it didn't, I shamble to the nearest door-open enclosure to answer the call of nature. Around 6:30, I step out and make for the cupboard. I take a lousy gander at the wearables. Having neither the time nor the enthusiasm to try some of them on, I hurriedly muffle myself up with yesterday's habiliments, load my feet in the shoes, and slam the door behind. It's now 7 o'clock. The car is dragging me to work. On the way, Rosaline's words click my mind open. Her "I miss you that it hurts," "Keep it going," "The warmth inside is real," and "Don't do that to me" flame me with pleasure and jubilation. They fan my selfish desire to share her the rest of my life. Entranced, the grudging Pathfinder wheeled me to work in no time. I have no class at 8 today. I don't know that; I never did, actually. I solace myself by devouring some bran biscuits and sipping some ready tea. Dogged by untenable feelings of nothingness and futility, I loiter today's classes away. I scurry for the altruistic Pathfinder which dashes me back home anew. Taking a deep breath, I sprawl on the sofa. "What dream is Rosaline having now?" I ask myself. "Am I there?" I continue. "I wish I was there next to her, hand in hand, heart in heart, and soul in soul." My imagination rips; my eyes ogle; my heart thumps; and soon I am fast asleep. This is the afternoon's siesta. It is not really part of my daily routine; but it sometimes pops itself into it. It is now 5 o'clock. I wake up, nudged by the serene thoughts I had before. Jovial, I sprint to the kitchen to fetch my preset microwave-cooked meal. "Does Rosaline like this sort of food?" I soliloquise. "I hope so because I do," I assure myself. It is now 7 o'clock, I wonder whether or not Rosaline is awake, whether or not she is thinking of me, and whether or not she will keep so. It is high time I checked my email. I read Rosaline's emails over and over again no matter how straightforward and spontaneous they may be. I just like to feel the throbbing of each word she happens to write. They just commiserate with me on my solitude and they stud my world with her virtual smiles and gapes. It is bedtime. The devilish alarm is set. I recline my weary and drowsy body on the bed, sending a goodnight butterfly kiss to ROSALINE.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
First Impressions
Okay well this was something here. I will say right off the bat something that's a bit troubling is the lack of paragraphing here. It really doesn't read too well as this big ol' splooge and while I did feel intrigued by this person's day here with has a nice little touch of humor added to it, I had quite a difficult time actually following along with how the day progresses because of the lack of paragraphs.
Constructive Criticism
I think the best way to improve this piece here is to simply break this up a bit, at least according to time of day or activity and really sort of let each of these details shine properly on its own instead of having it all just be crammed in here into this one big paragraph that's tough to read.
Positive Encouragment
Lastly I'll end by saying I did love the way you tried to characterize this person and sort of hanging through this little cliche of what appears to be something of a crush you use a relatable moment there to add some nice touches of humor the piece and I enjoyed that. It was quite nicely done.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!
As theotherone have said, you really do need to format your story properly. It makes it a lot more easier to read. Since with huge chunky paragraphs, I tend to forget where I am and start reading a line that I've already read or skip something. And that's not something that you'd want to do, because it's confusing and not very good for keeping the reader's interest in the story.
Another thing I have to mention about formatting is that every time someone speaks, it must be on a new line. It's less confusing and easier to read if formatted that way. It also generally what's expected when people read stories.
As for the story itself, I feel as though it's a bit flat. I know that it's a one day biography. But with writing, generally you don't spell out every single detail. It gets really boring really quickly and switches the reader's attention off the story, which makes them want to stop reading it. You did a bit of that throughout the story. If I were you, I'd only include the more important details of his life and leave out all the less necessary ones.
There's also something that I want to point out:
I don't really recommend using complicated words when it can be replaced with a single, simple 'said'. In my opinion 'said' says everything and it isn't really necessary to use complicated replacements of 'said.' Also, using complicated words can be sometimes be difficult to understand and stops the story from flowing as well, because the reader have to pause and think about what it means. I'd suggest to changing soliloquise that to said. I don't think that 'soliloquise' flows as well.
Overall, I'd really suggest you to format the story carefully. Chunky paragraphs isn't exactly attractive. But other than that, it's looking pretty good. Keep writing!
Hello there.
First off, make sure to space your story. It's really intense and not attractive to the eye when it's in a huge paragraph like right now. It's probably why you don't have that much reviews... Many of reviewers give up easily when they see something that isn't spaced because it just seems like so much.
See how's that easier to read?
This wasn't as good as I thought it would be. It seemed like you flied through it without actually setting in the story. I think you could actually go into details with the MC and Rosaline's relationship. Also, the way you told us the time... It's not great either. I think it's a little bit harsh looking and tedious. I liked it the first two times, but when it you say it after one paragraph, it's too much.
I liked the fact that you narrated his day, and showed us how he's pretty much thinking about her all throughout it. It's very cute.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Interesting poem. It's sort of sweet but also depressing how this guy's only thoughts are his love who seems so far away.
I didn't understand this. Is Rosaline having an affair?
The piece is interesting but I feel something more to the story is missing. Are the readers expected to believe that he spends every day like this? Doesn't he ever see her? Wouldn't he be waiting in anticipation for their next date? Or be trying to get her on a date? I'd show some action on the character's part to attempt to get his love instead of passively dreaming about her.