Hello again!
Well this chapter sure adds an interesting twist on things! I was expecting the next scene to be in the hospital or something :p This is way more interesting!
I love that you're immediately getting into the heart of the story and that you're immediately getting into the conflict - Eden wasn't supposed to die, she did die, but she's trapped in her body. I have so many questions! (none of which I want you to answer for me at the moment because I like the suspense and I know everything will be answered in time).
I think the biggest thing I'd like to suggest to help take this chapter to the next level, is adding in more description. I like your concise style and that you have short sentences and short paragraphs, but I think you can maintain that style while still giving the reader a rich, visual experience. I always end up having to go back and adding in descriptions when I edit projects too :p Remember that while this world is very clear to you (because it's in your head and you're the one writing it) the readers don't have that same luxury so it's up to you to show us everything going on inside of your head.
I'd love more of a description of the apartment and when he's overlooking, what exactly he's overlooking and what it looks like to him. I'd love more thoughts and feelings and expressions and body language and actions while Jay and James are talking. Stuff like that. I think your concept overall is cool and I'm super excited to see how you're going to execute it and where you're going to take it, and I'd love the prose to be a little bit more rich with description.
I'll leave things there for now and hop on over to the next chapter, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback on something I didn't mention!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
Donate