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Young Writers Society


12+

Eden Chapter Two

by Bellarke


 Chapter 2: Master

He stands above them, in his small apartment overlooking them all.

The newly deads. They look scared to know where they are planned to go.

Some to Heaven. Some to Hell. And some to stay in purgatory, and become leaders and watchers. And a lucky few get to be masters.

Like me. Jay thinks as he turns away from the wailing people.

Their pale faces drooping with agony as soon as they realize where they are. And the boats they are to get on are a question in their minds.

Will I go to Heaven? Or will I be banished to Hell? Those are the thoughts rolling through their heads as they stand in a messed up line.

“Master Wilson?” A voice asks from the other side of the room’s door.

“Yes, James?” Jay replies as he sits down at his desk.

“We have a problem.” James says as he walks in the door, closing it softly behind him. “A time master did not save a girl in enough time. She died and she was not to die until she was eighty three. She is sixteen.”

“What!?” Jay roars, standing up, tossing his pen across the room, accidentally.

“The time master was just a three hundred year intern.” James says, ducking his brown head out of the way of more flying objects.

Jay walks around the desk, his dark suit sticking to his chest as he bends to pick up the pen. “Name? I need a name to fix this.”

“Eden Michaels. Of Cold Water, Michigan.” James says, looking out the window at the sad people.

“Well, we should go talk with her.” Jay says, finally.

“We can't. She is not here yet. She is trapped in her body. Here friend Ali is here thought. Ali Wilson.” James scratches his forehead.

Jay just walks to his door, the dark wood never greeting him happily.

He walks out the door, past the giggling clerks, to the elevators. He pushes the bottom floor button and waits as it reaches the bottom.

The stupid elf-like music plays in his ears.

I really need to have than changed. He thinks to himself as he walks out the doors.

The dirt on the ground is covered in footprints from Hellions and Angels. Or masters or Leaders such as himself.

A little girl, whose hair hangs like a wet curtain around her face. She reminds him of that girl from the movie he watched.

The grudge.

Jay shakes the memory from his mind as he walks onto the platform over the gateway, and motions for Caren, the watcher, to hand him his disk.

“Hand me the disk. I have to find someone.” Jay takes the disk and scrolls through the names and faces until he sees the name he was looking for.

Eden.

Her picture is fairly pretty. Long red hair, bright blue eyes. Irish complexion, only that her hair is darker red than many irish hair. Her nose is turned up, as his her mouth, which is full and smiling at the camera.

“Get me the place of death on this girl.” He hands the disk back to Caren, whose eyes widen when he realizes that a Master is talking to him.

“Oh Okay.” He stutters.

“Have it to me in twenty minutes.” Jay walks off, to the darkness of the alley to the grave of the watchers.

To see his mother.


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Fri May 25, 2018 1:40 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!

Well this chapter sure adds an interesting twist on things! I was expecting the next scene to be in the hospital or something :p This is way more interesting!

I love that you're immediately getting into the heart of the story and that you're immediately getting into the conflict - Eden wasn't supposed to die, she did die, but she's trapped in her body. I have so many questions! (none of which I want you to answer for me at the moment because I like the suspense and I know everything will be answered in time).

I think the biggest thing I'd like to suggest to help take this chapter to the next level, is adding in more description. I like your concise style and that you have short sentences and short paragraphs, but I think you can maintain that style while still giving the reader a rich, visual experience. I always end up having to go back and adding in descriptions when I edit projects too :p Remember that while this world is very clear to you (because it's in your head and you're the one writing it) the readers don't have that same luxury so it's up to you to show us everything going on inside of your head.

I'd love more of a description of the apartment and when he's overlooking, what exactly he's overlooking and what it looks like to him. I'd love more thoughts and feelings and expressions and body language and actions while Jay and James are talking. Stuff like that. I think your concept overall is cool and I'm super excited to see how you're going to execute it and where you're going to take it, and I'd love the prose to be a little bit more rich with description.

I'll leave things there for now and hop on over to the next chapter, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback on something I didn't mention! :D




Bellarke says...


Hi! I%u2019m so sorry I never thanked you for this review!!! I was gone from YWS for a very long time!! I was reading through my old stuff and found this and your amazing reviews and I want to thank you so much for giving such amazing feedback!



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Thu May 10, 2018 2:23 pm
fishsashimi wrote a review...



Hey, OniiChan here!

Great second chapter! I think the plot you set up is pretty interesting. Another thing I liked is how you weren’t leaning towards any religious belief about the afterlife. It makes the book feel more open to people. I like the subtle humor as well at the top. I did notice a few grammatical errors, including punctuation and incorrect spelling. If you reread the book, I’m sure you’ll see where I’m pointing to. Either way, you are doing very well on this. Keep up the great work!

Keep on writing!




Bellarke says...


Thank you. And I dont believe in god, so I was try to not lead into any beliefs. And thank you sooo much you dont know how happy this makes me!




Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown