She stood at the crossroads, her heart thumping loudly in her ears as she watches them all.
Police men and women barking orders at the bystanders watching.
At the flashing of the ambulance lights.
At the broken, shattered metal of what was her mustang.
And at the EMTs who were lifting a dark form onto a stretcher, A head of fiery red hair falls over the edge.
The same hair that I have She thinks.
“Eden!” A voice rises over all of the background noises.
A broken voice.
Eden, who's there, but not there at the same time, turns and looks in just enough time to see Carlo jog by, his blonde hair stained red with blood.
Eden’s blood.
The world stops as Carlo reaches the stretcher, and says two words.
“She's dead.” His voice cracks and he falls to his knees.
Eden slowly shuffles forward, towards Carlo.
Then, she gasps.
On the stretcher lies Eden’s body, in a heap of blood and bones. Blood comes from all of her cuts and bruises on her arms and legs.
Not moving at all.
A corpse.
A cold, blue lipped corpse.
Eden slowly reaches out, and puts a hand to her own forehead.
The cold skin does not even have time to react against the ghostly skin, because Eden is sucked back into her body.
She cannot move a single muscle in her body, paralyzed, she is forced to sit still.
HELP ME!!!!! Eden thinks loudly as her visions starts to shift into a darkness that she doesn't like.
Eden has been afraid of the dark since she was twelve when she woke up in the night, and found a spider sitting on the pillow next to her.
When it gets dark, the memory comes to play.
“Come on, Eden, you could go faster than that!” Ali was saying in the car.
“I know. I know.” Eden said as she pushed on the gas.
“Eden, Babe, you don't have to listen to her.” Carlo says, putting a hand on her thigh.
“Oh yeah?” Eden looks at him, challengingly
“Yeah.”
She pushes the pedal all the way down.
She is smiling and laughing to much to watch the road, she looks over at Carlo, just as a white light fills the car.
“WATCH OUT!” Ali screams.
Then, the blistering pain and screams.
Then the darkness.
Helloooo. I liked this a lot, it was a wonderful story. And well written, keep on writing and making readers feel your story. Let them understand what is going on. Detail is always great so that the readers can be in with the characters.
I always make sure that my readers are into the book and enjoy reading as much as I do writing it. Keep up your good work!
Hello! I was drawn to this story because I saw the other chapters in the green room listed as realistic/romantic which is my favorite and since the chapters aren't super long I thought I'd pop over here first.
You've got an intriguing start here!! I really didn't realize the MC was dead until she herself realized she was dead. I liked that you kept the paragraphs and sentences short, especially at the beginning because that really helped speed up the pace and add some intrigue and suspense.
I was with you until she got sucked back into her body. That part, and everything that came after confused me a little bit. So was this like a touch with death, out of body experience and then she came back to her body and was in tremendous pain and had a flashback about what happened for her to nearly die? That could be cool if you want to do that, but if that's the case I'd flip the order around a little bit.
It can be tricky starting a novel with such a big, dramatic scene because while yes it captures the reader's attention and can immediately draw us in, since the reader doesn't know anything about the characters or what's going on some readers might feel confused or distanced. So, with flipping the order around a little bit, I would propose the following: starting the chapter a littler earlier in the day to show who Eden and the main characters are, then actually show the accident happen. There could be a scene break (or you could even start the next chapter) with what you have here with Eden "waking up" confused and dead and then coming back into her body. If you did that, I think you would still maintain the intrigue and drama you have in this opening chapter while giving the reader a little more context about what's going on.
Overall though, I'm intrigued and I'm looking forward to reading on in your story! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback on something I didn't mention 
Hey there, OniiChan here!
Great job on your first chapter, a short summary of the aftermath of a car crash. One thing that got me was who Ali and Carlo were. I think that you should clarify who they are, for example:
“Come on, Eden, you could go faster than that!” Ali, Eden’s friend, said from the car.
Something like that. Another thing is that sentences with a period don’t end in a period if they have extra text afterward. For example:
“Eden, Babe, you don’t have to listen to her,” Carlo says.
On a few you forgot a few quotes in general. I don’t think I have much else to say. Good job!
Keep on writing
Hey there ThatGeekyGirl.
There's a couple of things that stick out to me before all else, mainly how short this is. It feels more like a novel preview than anything else and I'm hoping that this is just a chapter part. (Or possibly something that can be refiled as a short snippet prologue.)
It just barely establishes the premise, and with the quick jar to the near past, doesn't have any presence of flow.
Somewhat combined in with the length is the spacing, which is pretty irregular. Yes, put spaces between lines of dialogue, but please don't do it for every line of the story.
She stood at the crossroads, her heart thumping loudly in her ears as she watches them all.
Police men and women barking orders at the bystanders watching.
At the flashing of the ambulance lights.
At the broken, shattered metal of what was her mustang.
And at the EMTs who were lifting a dark form onto a stretcher, A head of fiery red hair falls over the edge.
The same hair that I have She thinks.
She stood at the crossroads, her heart thumping loudly in her ears as she watches them all. Police men and women barking orders at the bystanders watching. At the flashing of the ambulance lights. At the broken, shattered metal of what was her mustang. And at the EMTs who were lifting a dark form onto a stretcher, A head of fiery red hair falls over the edge.
The same hair that I have She thinks.
The same hair that I have She thinks.
"The same hair that I have," she thinks.
[/quote]Then the darkness.
120,117 Literary Works • 648,667 Reviews
Points: 0
Reviews: 19
Donate