z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Creature Of Guilt, And Dust Chapter One...

by Bellarke


After: New York

His hair is coming out perfectly. With every brush stroke it looks more like his real hair.

The golden coloring, the soft texture of his hair. He bright blue of his eyes. His serious lips.

The anger that burns in his blue eyes, the power.

After a few hours of painting, Thor begins to look more and more like himself. Adeline smiles as she wipes off her brush admiring her wonderful work.

“It’s a pretty picture.” She hears Danni say from behind her.

“Thank you, Danni.” She smiles at her half brother admirably.

His little red head bobs up and down as he jumps to see his reflection in the mirror.

“Need some help, bud?” Adeline asks, putting the brush back in the bin and taking her long blond hair outta it's braid.

She hops on the stool beside him, taking his hand and pulling him up with her. “Better?” She asks as he grins at himself in the mirror.

“Yeah.” He hops off of her lap, and onto the tile floor of the studio, just at head mistress Cardon walks in.

“Danniel, what are you doing out and about at this time of night?” She scolds him.

Headmistress is Danni’s guardian until I have a stable job. Adeline tells herself as she forces a smile at the elderly woman who was forced into taking care of Danni. “Mistress Cardon.”

The elderly woman just tightens hair, the rust colored curls curling tighter around her head. “I brought you this.” She holds up a manilla folder.

“What is it?” Adeline takes it hesitantly, eyeing her like she put a bomb in it.

“Well, open it and see!” She says, taking Danni’s hand and she walks them walk down the hall, and into the main hall, the dorm hall.

She opens the folder to find a letter.

Adeline,

I known that more than likely hate it where you are. I know. But you must think about this: That you are not alone. You must fight for your brother, fight for me, fight for the whole world. Ad, you are gonna change the world, and if you are going to change it, you mustn't let it change you before you get the chance to change it. When you are free please call me, girly. I miss talking to you in the Abbey, and at the lake. I really wish you were still here. I have to keep this short for now. I miss her too, Ad.

XOXO ~Julian

She smiles when she sees Julian’s signature, the curvy hook on the ‘j’.

Julian has been her best friend since kindergarten, and they have stuck together through the thick and thin. They were, as Adeline’s mother used to say, ‘like two peas in a pod.’

Adeline feels something snap inside her as she looks at the last sentence.

``I miss her too, Ad.

`It wasn't fair. First, her mother dies, and now her life is flipped upside down.

“Jane Foster was a woman of beauty.” A voice says from behind her, jostling her thoughts. “Pardon me. I have to clean this room.”

“Ohh. Sorry.” She moves outta the way of the janitor. “Wait, you knew my mother?”

“I did. She was a sweet woman.” He scratches his scruffy brown beard.

He was old enough to be in Adeline’s mother’s class at school. But not old. Around forty, maybe.

“Ohh...kay.” Adeline says as she slinks out the door, and into her room.

When she tosses the folder on the dresser, it makes a loud banging sound.

“What the..” She walks over to it, and dumps the folder over onto her hand.

It's a….ring. And there is a not attached to it.

Adeline- look, I found this in you're mother’s bag, and it had you're name on it, so I am going to send it to you.

The ring itself looks around a hundred years old. The band look made of a metal that shines only a little. The stone on the top, looks like an older diamond. Just… the inside of it looks like it shines a little too much, it looks as though it was moving inside.

She sets it back on the dresser, and she crawls in her bed.

She dreams of her mother, and Daniel.

((What did you think??))


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105 Reviews


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Reviews: 105

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Wed May 16, 2018 2:52 pm
fatherfig says...



*gasps into a coughing fit*

OMG!!!!




Bellarke says...


Lol. You inspired it! I told you.



fatherfig says...


*makes scary gasping noises*
What!!!! No way!!!!



Bellarke says...


Yes way!!!!!!!!!!! I am writing more everyday.



fatherfig says...


*coughs* Ok If you say so



Bellarke says...


Did you read it yet?



fatherfig says...


YES!!!! I aklways read before replying!



fatherfig says...


*always



Bellarke says...


What did you think? Give me good details.



fatherfig says...


I loved it but I saw a few spelling errors, XD!
There were also a few point of view changes, but overall it was a great piece.



Bellarke says...


Yeah. I was confused when i wrote this. Thank you you are my best friend on YWS.



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Sun May 06, 2018 11:01 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello there ThatGeekyGirl! As you know, I'm dropping by for a review :D

Just a quick note: I noticed there're some grammatical errors in your dialogue, so I thought I'd give you a link leading to some useful articles! Like these two

“Danniel, what are you doing out and about at this time of night?” She scolds him.


“Well, open it and see!” She says,


In these cases, "She" should be "she"--pronouns like "she/it/they say(s)" need to be lower case for these examples. Those articles probably explain better than I do, so check them out! :)

I thought the beginning was a nice one! I just enjoyed the way you slowly revealed Thor's face, bit by bit, and it kept me reading, which works as this is Chapter One. The only concern I have here is that I was a bit confused as to what kind of brushing it was. At first, I thought Adeline was actually brushing Thor's hair but it could be just me misunderstanding xD She must be an awesome painter if she can really show the expression in his eyes well. Anyway, I'm looking forward to see more of Adeline's painting. It's nice to see some sort of passion that may help Adeline relax during the turbulent times later (which I kinda assume, as this is a novel, is coming :p)

There were all those little bits of interesting things--the ring, the painting, the dynamics between Adeline and Danni and Headmistress, the relationship between Adeline and Julian, the death of Adeline's mother, and Adeline's money situation. I think it'd be fantastic if you went into a little more detail, because right now I feel like I'm floating in the story and am unsure of where I am. Perhaps this is because you already know all this and miss to include a few details the reader doesn't know.

As for what to expand on, I don't think we need to know much about Julian's letter or Adeline's mother's death, but I believe that I could be much more invested in this story if I knew more about Adeline and Danni's situation (I can guess right now that Adeline is short of money after her mother dies, but...what is she doing in the dorm right now?) . So my suggestion would be to add some little details here and there so that I--and other readers--can piece together what's up with them more easily.

Anyway, I believe that's all I've got to say! Hope my thoughts can nudge you to ways you can improve your story. Cheers! :D

-Ink




Bellarke says...


Thank you.



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Tue May 01, 2018 9:22 pm
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Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, ThatGeekyGirl. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

Impression on Story thus far:


The story concept itself has potential, but I feel like there should be more to it than mostly dialogue. It seems to me that the main character’s mother left something, which is a ring, that holds more than what it appears. It seems like that you like to display more of your characters than the actual prose of the story, which is fine. Character development is an important aspect when writing a story, but you must make sure to have equal balance between the two. It makes the story more interesting that way.

Nitpicks & Stuff:


His hair is coming out perfectly. With every brush stroke it looks more like his real hair.
The golden coloring, the soft texture of his hair. He bright blue of his eyes. His serious lips.


The imagery seems a bit vague. You are describing a painting piece. You should revise this in a way it sounds more picturesque.

The anger that burns in his blue eyes, the power.


No need to add the word ‘ blue ‘ in this sentence since you already stated that he has blue eyes.


Headmistress is Danni’s guardian until I have a stable job.


This is where I lost myself. This story is in third person, but in this sentence, it went straight to first person. Make sure you don’t switch your point of views. It has to be one or the other.

“Well, open it and see!” She says, taking Danni’s hand and she walks them walk down the hall, and into the main hall, the dorm hall.


This part is a tad bit confusing. You are describing different places at one time. Are they walking down the hall where it leads to the dorm hall? Just write it to where the characters are walking down a hall where it leads to the dorm hall because the others are irrelevant at this point.

Overall Conclusion:


Overall, this chapter needs some work. You have mostly dialogue, which is fine, but I feel like there needs to be more to it. Maybe it’s just me, but I like to read stories that is more about the story than just dialogue. Lots of dialogue can make a reader lose interest. The concept you are portraying is interesting itself, but you need to write it more about the story. Make sure you keep it to one point of view. Other than that, good job. Not bad at all. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.

- Kanome




Bellarke says...


Thank you, Kanome!




Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary