z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Creature Of Guilt, And Dust Chapter Two...

by Bellarke


After: Just Outside New York.

He lands with a thud, his head hits the ground hard. He hears the dirt cracking where his head hit it.

“Ow.” Loki lifts himself up, and rubs his head. “That wasn't very dignified.”

Then, he hops up, and lands directly on his feet, and he realizes that is wearing is Asgardian clothes.

“Crap. I need to fit in.” He uses most of what's left of his energy on trying to put himself into some other clothes.

A black tailored suit, a black blazer, and tie.

“You look like you're going to a funeral.” A voice says from behind him.

He turns and looks at the older woman behind him.

She is holding a basket, leaning against a truck, an old blue ford chevy. “Hello, I am Allison.” She extends a wrinkled hand toward him.

Uhh...what would my name be? “Lark.” Loki smiles.

The woman shakes his hand, then runs a hand through her thinning brown hair, and smiles. “Lark? I like it.”

“Yeah.” Loki reaches down and grabs his fallen, what is now a baseball cap, helmet off of the ground.

Allison looks around, “Do you need a ride?”

“Uhh… Yeah. I could use one.” Loki looks around as well.

“Get in.” She smiles, and hops in the drivers side of the small truck.

Loki shrugs, and walks around the other side of the truck, stopping only once to look up at the sky, and to think of Thor, and what he did.

Then, he hops in the passenger door of the truck, “Thank you.”

“So where to?” She asks him, as she puts the car in drive and makes a U turn.

“Uhhh..you can just drop me off in Central Park, I guess.” Loki does not known his way around New York at all.

“Okay.” Allison smiles at him, “Going to admire the tree?”

“Uhh...Yeah.” One more lie couldn't hurt, now that he is banished.

“It is truly beautiful.”

After about thirty minutes of small talk, they reach Central Park.

“Heres your stop, dear.” She says, reaching out and patting his arm softly.

“Thank you,” Loki reaches over, kisses her check, and get out of the truck.

“Be careful, Lark.” He hears her say as she pulls away from the curb.

Loki starts walking around, and when he sees a couple kissing near a tree, he grins and climbs the tree, and starts shaking snow on them, a lot of snow.

The girl gets up, squeals, and looks at the boy, “I told you than a tree you not work.”

The boy rolls his eyes.

Loki takes the change to jump down from the tree, and walk off.

Than, he sees something he wants.

A green mustang, parked just on the corner of the parking, right in front of a big building that has a sign that says, ‘Mistress Cardon’s Inns and Suites.’

“Wow. New York has truly gotten worse than the last time I was here with Jane.” He shakes his head, as he opens the door, and walks in the large lobby.

The walls of the lobby are painted a shade of yellow, and the tables and chairs in the sitting area are white.

The exact opposites of my colors. My luck. He thinks as he walks up to the receptionist. “Do you have a small chamber vacant.”

“Chamber?” The blonde boy at the desk asks. “Rooms, I don't really know. Let me Mistress Cardon’s adopted daughter and ask her.”

“Do as you wish, kind sir.” Loki rolls his eyes, this is so much more complicated than Asgard.

He dials in the phone, “Hello? Yes, Miss Gunn. Do you mind helping me with a customer down here? He needs a room, and I don't known how to check the catalog.”

Then there is a pause.

“Yes, Ma’am.” He puts the phone back down on it's holder. “If you would take a seat really quick, she is on her way down. It will be a few minutes.”

“Whatever.” Loki flops down in a yellow chair, wrinkling his nose at the stain on the carpet. “That’s disgusting.”

He sits in that chair until a voice asks from behind him, “Is that the customer?” Loki turns and sees a girl, with blonde hair in a bun on the top of her head, and a sleepy looking face, and paint on her hands.

“Yes, Ma’am.” The receptionist doesn't even look up from his phone.

“Hello, I am Adeline Gunn. The owner of the place is my foster mother. I am gonna take you to your room, if you would just follow me.” Her voice is quiet, and soft, like a mockingbird’s song in spring.

“Okay.” Loki stands up and walks toward the way that she leads him. Through a long hallway. And the walls slowly turn green.

After a few more feet, they reach a door, and she opens it.

“Here is your room, Sir. I hope you like your stay.” Then she turns and walks away.

The room is black and green.

Just my colors. Loki thinks as he flops on the bed, snow and all.

Soon, he is out like a light. He dreams, oddly, of that girl.


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373 Reviews


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Sun May 06, 2018 11:22 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey ThatGeekyGirl! Here again! :D

Ah, Loki! He's banned from Asgard! What did he do? Well, I know he is a trickster and he must have done something naughty...Anyway, I'm wondering how he's going to fare in New York if he hasn't been there for a long time and calls a room "a chamber". I imagine Loki's the type of person who tends to take stuff in stride and doesn't mope around too much. I can totally understand how he's frustrated that this is more complicated than in Asgard; we usually have a high opinion of home xD And when you first mentioned Jane, the first person who popped into my head was Adeline's mother! Ooh! Were they friends (and perhaps romantically attached)? I'm curious and am looking forward to know later!

I'm wondering why the woman there immediately offered to take him in his truck. I don't know, it just seems odd that she's come over and randomly offer a ride to a stranger (who wasn't even hitchhiking) unless she's unusually kind (or did she realize he's Loki or something?) Or maybe she thinks that it's dangerous for young people to wander lost and alone in New York and wants to help them. Or maybe that's her personality. If that is, I'd think she's very benevolent and kind.

Ah, so Adeline's here and now I understand she's working in a hotel! The last sentence of the chapter made me wonder if romance was going to spring up between the two. :p Anyway, I think I need to get to know them better, which I'm sure you'll do in the next several chapters. I'm honestly hoping I'll get to know them better, because right now, I'm not sure I do very much. But don't worry! Characters are pretty tricky to form, especially in early drafts--the more you spend time writing and thinking about them, the more you get to know them! I'd like to get a better sense of who they are already--I guess that's a reason first chapters are tough. You need to balance out story development without dragging, to uphold the same level of character development as in the rest of the story.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say here! :D Like I said in Chapter One, hope this helps as a jumping-point to think about your story and how to make it better. As I like to say, take my advice with a grain of salt because you, the author of this story, tend to know better.

-Ink




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Wed May 02, 2018 6:53 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, ThatGeekyGirl. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

Note: Make sure you let your readers know that this is a fanfiction since this includes Loki.

Impression on Story thus Far:


I did not think that Loki would be thinking about Adeline so quickly. Love at first sight, right? Anyways, this chapter was done much better than the first. I enjoyed Loki’s personality and it seems like he is keeping it on a down low since he has been to New York before. I am not a big Loki fan, but I do enjoy his character in general. Also, you make great book covers. Just saying. I don’t know what else to say since this chapter is short, so moving on.

Nitpicks & Stuff:


The girl gets up, squeals, and looks at the boy, “I told you than a tree you not work.”


What exactly was it you were trying to say? The sentence in the dialogue makes no sense. I suggest revising this.

“Do you have a small chamber vacant.”


You forgot to put a question mark at the end.

“...Let me Mistress Cardon’s adopted daughter and ask her.”


Wouldn’t it be better if Loki did not know that she is adopted? Like she knows she adopted, but it would probably make the story more interesting in later chapters where she tells him about her real mother then say that she is adopted, right? This is more of a suggestion on my part.

“...The owner of the place is my foster mother....”


No need to put ‘ foster ‘. It’s best to say just only ‘ mother ‘. Yes, we know she is adopted, but the foster mother is still the mother to the main character.

Overall Conclusion:


Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. There was more to it than the last chapter. I liked Loki’s character and can’t wait for it to develop over time. It does seem rushed, but I think you’re trying to do a love at first sight thing for Loki. Make sure you read over your work before publishing that way you don’t make the same mistakes. That is part of the writing process after all. Other than that, good job. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.

- Kanome




Bellarke says...


Thank you!




Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena