z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Beautiful Pain Chapter 3.

by Bellarke


@scarlettvee Here is chapter 3. Papi anounces it!!

Chapter Three: Hadley

By the time that I make it home, it is getting dark outside, and the crickets already started their song in the brush.

“Hadley, is that you?” I head Papi holler from his recliner in the living room.

“Yes, Papi, it's me.” I stop when I see my Papi’s wrinkled face, which is normally happy, is now sad and dropping. “What is wrong?”

“Come sit, my dear,” He waves a hand to the couch by the TV.

I walk over to the old couch by the television, and eye Papi hard. “Can you just please tell me what is buggin’ you?”

“It's...it's...it's...your father. He passed away, Hadley.”

“What? My father?” I stand up almost as soon as the words leave his mouth, not believing them, “I though he died when I was born.”

“No. He left. You're mother had a brother before you were born, and he got him, and when she had you, you're mother got you. You're brother’s name is Jude. He will be coming to the funeral. But you're father left a will, and most of his stuff is going to you, and some of it is was left to Jude.” Papi stands up and walks over to me, “I am sorry that I never told you. Dear.”

“Papi, it is not your fault. I just wish Mama was here.” I slide to the floor, thinking of my beautiful mother.

“I know,girly.” Papi yawns. “I must sleep. The funeral is in two days, dear. He is going to be buried by your mother.”

I stand right up again, or I try to, but I just fall back to the floor, the rough wood cutting at the skin of my knees. “What?” I nearly yell.

“I am sorry. There was nowhere else to put him, unless you want to toss ‘em in the lake.”Papi hobbles over to the stairs, leaning on his cane.

“But….” I feel something breaking inside of me. “That was your plot, Papi.”

“I would rather not be in the plot right now, Hadley. I want to be able to be here with you, Pequeña cierva. ((Little Doe))” I see tears twinkling in his eyes.

I stand up, as he walks up the stairs to his room, then, I hear is squeaky door close.

I throw open the door, and run out the house, and head to the ole barn, where Padre, my mother’s old horse, is munching on some hay.

“Hey, Ole buddy. Wanna go for a ride?” I grin tearful at him, as he tries to nibble at my hair, which has the same coloring as the hay he was just eating.

He just neighs a response that I take as a yes.

I grab the saddle, blanket, and the other pieces, then I latch them on him.

“Here we go.” I say as I give him a little kick when I am on him, but he rares up to fast.

“Whoah. Stop!” I squeal, what good that does. “Padre!”

He was to excited, he starts off in a fast run into the thicket by the house.

He runs in the direction of the creek, never once slowing down. “PADRE!”

As he jumps over a boulder, I lose my hold on him, and I am flung back.

I fly through the air, then my head hits something hard, and I am meet with darkness, as I feel something sticky slide down my face.


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67 Reviews


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Reviews: 67

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Sun Apr 15, 2018 12:53 pm
TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



Hi thatgeekygirl,

Prachi again. Hope you don't mind my small reviews since I like to keep mine short. The ending is pretty good. There are a few grammar mistakes. Try to read your chapter over after writing before you publish it so that you can check for any mistakes. I think you should describe the looks of Hadley. The creativity is really good and the story so far is also coming great. I think you should add back story to the characters.

For example, Hadley said that Padre was her mother's favorite horse so maybe you could have added Hadley having a flashback of a memory of her mother and the horse, maybe something that had an emotional value for both of them. This will help the readers know more about the characters. I mean no offence. even though I have read 3 chapters I really don't know anything about Hadley's character except she is a fan of Storm.

Anyways, good story




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17 Reviews


Points: 1224
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Tue Apr 10, 2018 5:04 pm
scarlettvee wrote a review...



Alright here we go, chapter 3!


By the time that I make it home, it is getting dark outside, and the crickets already started their song in the brush.

Add "have" before "already." Because this story takes place in present tense, but you're talking about something that happened in the past, you need to add have.


I head Papi holler from his recliner in the living room.

You left out an "r" again. It should be "heard" not "head"


I stop when I see my Papi’s wrinkled face, which is normally happy, is now sad and dropping. “What is wrong?”

Delete "is" from before "now", it's not needed, and make "what is" one word, what's


“Come sit, my dear,” He waves a hand to the couch by the TV.

End the first sentence with "my dear." There doesn't need to be a comma there because what comes after isn't a dialogue tag


I stand up almost as soon as the words leave his mouth, not believing them, “I though he died when I was born.”

Papi stands up and walks over to me, “I am sorry that I never told you. Dear.”

Again, for both these sentences, end the sentence with "not believing them" and "walks over to me." Because neither sentence is a tag, there doesn't need to be a comma leading into the dialogue.
Although there should be a comma after "you" leading into "dear"


“I know,girly.” Papi yawns. “I must sleep. The funeral is in two days, dear. He is going to be buried by your mother.”

Space after the comma before "girly"


“I am sorry. There was nowhere else to put him, unless you want to toss ‘em in the lake.”Papi hobbles over to the stairs, leaning on his cane.

space after "lake" before "Papi"


“I would rather not be in the plot right now, Hadley. I want to be able to be here with you, Pequeña cierva. ((Little Doe))” I see tears twinkling in his eyes.

Instead of, in quotation marks, telling us that Pequena (sorry, on a computer, can't do the tilde) cierva means Little Doe, show us this instead with the use of Hadley's internal thoughts.


I stand up, as he walks up the stairs to his room, then, I hear is squeaky door close.

Take out the comma after "stand up." End the sentence after "his room" then start a new sentence with "Then I hear..." with no comma after "then" either.


I throw open the door, and run out the house, and head to the ole barn, where Padre, my mother’s old horse, is munching on some hay.

Instead of saying "and head" because that's redundant, instead say "heading"


I grin tearful at him, as he tries to nibble at my hair, which has the same coloring as the hay he was just eating.

"I grin tearful at him" doesn't make much sense to me, so maybe you could change it to something like this
I grin at him, tears welling up in my eyes as he tries to nibble at my hair, which has..."

It doesn't have to be this exactly, but you should try to restructure the sentence so you don't say "grin tearful"


“Here we go.” I say as I give him a little kick when I am on him, but he rares up to fast.

There should be a comma at the end of the dialogue here, since the "I say" is a dialogue tag.


I fly through the air, then my head hits something hard, and I am meet with darkness, as I feel something sticky slide down my face.

No comma after "darkness'


This was a cool chapter and I am interested to see how all of this comes into play, with Hadley hurting herself and apparently having a secret brother that she didn't know about. This is a good chapter but, if you can, I would try to give Hadley more of a dramatic reaction when she finds out that her father is dead and that she has a secret brother. I know she didn't really know her dad, but she should still probably feel pretty numb and distant on the inside. And she'd probably be wondering who this new brother of hers is, an what he's like and such like that. So I would recommend maybe adding this in. But otherwise I thought the chapter was good! Great work on this and keep it up!

Until next time,
K.S. Valentine




Bellarke says...


Thank you tons!!!! This was some amazing information. (Most of which i did not even think about)




"Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein