Published December 23, 2015
In Rikash stuff
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Her name was Slavokia. Well, it sort of was. Her real name was Hailey Deeter, but that was long forgotten. Nowadays, she went by many names. Lady Merhenne, Slavokia, the Nutcase, the Banshee of Reikae, and so on so forth.
She wasn't just a normal person. She was originally human, but once her family left her to die, she ran into some radioactive, genetically altering material. As a result, she became a mutant.
But she wasn't an ugly mutant. She was.. more like a cat. She had a cat nose, and cat ears. A cat tail, and a cat-like mouth. Her pupils could range from an all-consuming pair of black holes to teeny weeny slits. She had fangs, and claws.
You're probably wondering why all of this is relevant. Why, if I hadn't told you all of this, you might assume that she was human. You might wonder why I said her tail cracked like a whip at her opponent's feet. You might wonder at the notion that her ears just flicked and pinned themselves back.. or maybe that she licked her wet nose. That is why the description is necessary.
But back to Slavokia: she wasn't the only mutant around. She wasn't alone. Others had ran into a similar substance, and became mutants as well. It was like that one show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, only much worse. Petshop turtles didn't become people. People were becoming anthropomorphic animals. Slavokia was no exception.
As for where this happened, I can't tell you exactly where. If Slavokia mentions any locations known to man as I tell this story, I will censor her. It is for your own safety. But it all started, a long, long time ago..
~~~~~
27 YEARS AGO
Hailey was crying. Her family walked her to a sewer grate just on the outskirts of the city, just as she piddle-paddled along, trying not to let them take her. Take her where? She didn't know, but it seemed awfully horrible. Hailey was only five years old, and boy did she make a fuss.
Her parents opened up the sewer grate, and her father picked her up in one arm. He climbed down the ladder and into the sewers.
"We'll miss you, Hailey.."
"But.. dada!"
"This is for the best."
He set her down by a crate, and patted her long, blonde hair.
"Shh. Stay here."
"But.. dada!" she fussed, trying to hold onto his leg.
"Stay," he commanded, gently prying her hands away.
And so, he left.
~~~~~
Hailey screamed and cried and carried on after she was left in the sewers. She had no idea why her parents would do this to her, but it was just so awfully mean!
After a while, she calmed down, and leaned against the crate.
Then, she heard a whuffing sound.
What was that? she thought.
"Daddy?"
Of course, her daddy had never, ever, made such a sound before, but she couldn't help but hope it was him.
And out of the crate flew something green, something patchy and honestly quite ugly.
This creature's name was Mairo, and he was an unlucky victim of the mutagen. However, he no longer knew this - his mind had backtracked so far that he thought he was supposed to be such a creature. He looked vaguely like a fox, but.. well, green.
"Whuff! Whuff huff!" said the fox, Mairo.
"Puppy!" Hailey announced. She attempted to pat the fox thing, which obliged and even enjoyed her attention. He was happy to have a friend, especially after so long.
"Whuff~" Mairo replied. He then took off bouncing off of the concrete, deeper and deeper into the darkness. The only light was coming from the sewage, which is where the mutagen was contained.
Hailey tried to get up, but slipped backwards into the sludge. She gurgled and cried, but Mairo couldn't seem to find her.
And soon, out emerged a clawed hand. It grasped the concrete hard, and a second appeared out of the slime. It too gripped the edge of the cesspool. A head emerged, and soon it was apparent that it was Hailey.. only.. different. She hauled herself over the edge of the glowing pool of goop, splattering the substance everywhere.
Mairo could only watch and bark and whuff. He was concerned for the poor girl, but he didn't know what was ensue.
Hailey, once over the edge, coughed and hacked, then passed out.
~~~~~
TO BE CONTINUED.
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Hi, I'm Meerkat (no radioactive mutagens involved) here to review this story.
First, you have a really creative idea going here. People being mutated into anthropomorphic animals opens up a lot of possibilities in terms of plot and story arcs. There are many different ways you could go with this.
Forgive me for going off on a tangent so early, but I noticed your characters' names both reminded me of unrelated things. Slavokia sounds very much like the country Slovakia, with two letters switched. Mairo also reminded me of Mario, also with two letters switched. Was this intentional, and perhaps will come into play in the story later?
Anyway, names aside, the story started off pretty heavy on the exposition. It would be better to work that into the story gradually, rather than just explaining everything to the reader up front. Also, though Hailey is supposed to be five years old, enough to start kindergarten, she acts like a toddler-aged child.
You mentioned the ninja turtles in the beginning, which made it even more obvious that there were many similarities in their story and Hailey's. They both gained their powers from radioactive sludge in a sewer, and met a friendly fellow animal. Maybe you might want to make Slavokia's origin story more unique in this respect.
Overall, I liked the creative elements and the great potential for where the plot could go and what would happen. Have a great day, and keep writing!
Okay, so here's what I think, too!
1. The names are intentionally like that. In Reikae, a lot of words are like that.. with two or more letters switched. Mairo just happened to already be at Reikae, and got his name from some locals. Slavokia was later named by her new guardian.
2. I appreciate your input here. I could possibly change it, but it'd be really confusing for the reader if I just edited it now. So I'll be releasing a 2.0 version of this bit of the story.
3. As for the TMNTs, I just thought that'd be a bit funny to mention. In Slavo's world, pretty much anything exists, even those guys. As for Mairo coming in, I didn't mean for that to be like TMNT. I may have to revise, but keep him in.
4. Thank you, have a nice day too!
Hello! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
~Nit Picks~
Only one thing: sometimes when I believe that you mean to us ellipsis (...), you use two periods instead of one.
What do you mean by the ~?
~Other Bits~
You could probably just start your story from '27 years ago' and add some bits of information (her names and what she looked like) in at appropriate times. At some points, it feels like you're telling us stuff we already know. I mean, I'm alright with the little introduction at the start, it's just some of the information that I'm having a bit of trouble with.
~Awesome Bits~
I love, love, love his idea mostly because I love creative stuff like this and I love, love, love cats. I love your characters. They are so creative and have such great personalities! Everything about this makes me so happy (to have read something so awesomely creative)! If you do plan on continuing this, could you notify me of when the next one comes out? I can't wait to see what happens next.
Happy Holidays!
~Holographic Ladybug
Nitpicks: The ~ is actually a symbol I use in roleplaying a lot, and I often use it to express friendly communications or an elaborate voice.
Other: Considered! I may just rewrite this, but as a 2.0 with the same title. As for the information, yeah, it can be overwhelming. I will fix this.
Awesome: Thank you so much! I will notify you of the 2.0, yes!
See you!
-ThatAndalite