Published May 5, 2010
I love cake I won't deny it,
I love cake I always buy it,
if you take my cake from me,
I'll take a bat and shatter you're knee.
Throw you in my car while you are screaming in pain,
I drive down the dark narrow dusty lane,
you are screaming saying "Help me this man is insane!"
I love cake I won't deny it,
I love cake I always buy it.
We arrive at our destination,
pull you out of the car staring you in the eyes with my aggression,
"You shouldn't of took my cake" I said,
going to torture you to death instead.
I grab you by the hair and walk by the lake,
I clench your face with my hands and give you a shake,
I say "I have my own stove, time to make YOU into a cake,
your lucky that I know how to bake.
I love cake I won't deny it,
I love cake I always buy it.
We arrive at my house,
walk inside and see my big fat spouse,
She loves cakes made out of flesh,
so I throw you in the freezer to make you fresh.
Pull you out and you're all blue and cold,
when the meat is stiff the taste will be more bold,
I cut you open and right there and then I was sold,
your guts are perfect and would make a great stew from what I was told.
I love cake I won't deny it,
I love cake I always buy it.
An hour later I smell something good and pull you out of the oven,
I love cake and this is what I am lovin.
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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
When I first read this I thought, aw, this will be a cute little song... and then it grew kinda scary. It was like a gremlin that is all cute and cuddly before midnight, and then it gets evil and weird. It was sort of funny though.
Okay well now I'm never going to eat cake again...
But the biggest problem is the rhythm. You don't have a consistent pattern which throws off the poem. Sometimes you have three rhyming words, sometimes four, most of the time two, which is really annoying. Pick one and stick with it or else it just seems like the poems all over the place.
It's definatly creepy...so congrats on that, and thanks for ruining cake for me xD.
~Hope
I don't know what to be more afraid of--the guy being totally insane, or the fact that I have been caught threatening people in the same way whenever they make advances towards my pastries.
Anyway, good concept. A few nitpicks:
The "you are" might flow a little more smoothly if you made it into the contraction.
Get rid of the word "saying" to, once again, make the sentence flow a little more smoothly.
Kind of a long sentence, isn't it? Perhaps this should be two lines?
Once again, make it flow by gatting rid of "with my hands"
Another long sentence. Once again, maybe a two-liner?
You need an apostrophe at the end of the word "lovin".
You forgot the apostrophe!
The apostrophe!
How dare you!?
Ha, just kidding.
Yikes. Kind of...creepy? Hehe.
Anyways, all in all nice. Funny idea (made me laugh), and at most parts I could imagine a beat to go along with the lyrics. I believe there are some grammatical mistakes throughout, and the last line doesn't make much sense:
"I love cake and this is what I am lovin."
First off, apostrophe after the lovin'. Second, it seems repetitive in a way. We know you love cake, so why say it's what your loving? I can understand you trying to rhyme these last two lines, but see if there are any different combinations of words you can use.
I like it!
- G