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wannabe canada

by Teuhcatl


women set sail to sea to see the downdrift down the shore;

men say their sailor songs verbatim as if it was the only thing keeping them afloat in the bay;

fish swim through streams and lakes almost frozen over and end up dead by cause of mesh nets;

the natural habitat prays to nature deities as if that would cure the litter

and many crab corpses lining the pure sand barrier beaches;

the whole of anchorage bends over backward with their eyes shut 

and their flag waving tatterdemalion in the air as a sign of surrender;

the actual big dipper and polaris are barely seen throughout all of the air pollution,

but the reaction of the people's crowds leaves an echo the same. 


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160 Reviews


Points: 7050
Reviews: 160

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Tue Jun 22, 2021 11:27 pm
chikara wrote a review...



Tezzy! I wanted to review this before, but forgot! Oops!

All of the assonance here is a lot to actually read through, but I think it works for the whole vibe I got from this. It kind of twists the way everything sounds together in a way that suits the theme of Alaska being a wannabe, or a place where there's a lot of questionable things happening and everyone ignores it for unknown reasons. The way it's slurred at points also works for the way it's presented in a long spiral of thought.

The lack of actual punctuation with a period is something I'd usually not be a fan of, but like I said above, it works for the poem. It's not hard to read anywhere, so I'd say keep it because it's really fun. The feeling I get from this is like a drunken person at a bar telling a story or giving a controversial opinion of Alaska and having everyone not understand half of the words said, maybe a Canadian because of the title haha.

I also like how a lot of the lines begin with a specific living thing; a man, a woman, a fish. It really shows how everything happening is harming the environment farther than just the nature and local animals. Humans are one of the only living things that can change this behavior too, but most of the don't do anything helpful. The fact they are the first ones mentioned is another interesting thing to think about too.

I do have one thing to say though~

the natural habitat prays to nature deities as if that would cure the litter
and many crab corpses lining the pure sand barrier beaches;


The way it changes from beginning with a specific living thing to a general phrase of things together doesn't really sit with me? I think if the way the natural habitat was approached in this could've been cleaned up better than that, maybe with that it could help it be in more harmony with the rest of the ideas floating around here.

Ahh you should write more poetry like this, and tag me if you do <3




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19 Reviews


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Reviews: 19

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Tue Jun 22, 2021 12:56 am
ArctiWolf wrote a review...



Good poem overall it really illustrates your point. I just have a few nitpicky things to point out that will help the overall clarity of your poem.

#1

fish swim through streams and lakes almost frozen over and end up dead by cause of mesh nets;

We have a word in the English language that basically means 'by cause'. If you say it too fast it sounds like 'because'. Maybe that's just an American thing though. I'll have to think on that one.

#2
the natural habitat prays to nature deities as if that would cure the litter

Maybe you can say 'nature's deities'? I'm not quite sure how you would rephrase it without adding too many syllables.

Other than that this poem is awesome. I tend to write poems more by feel and rhym so if you were following some very strict syllable rules don't change the poem too much!

Overall some fantastic writing and I look forward to seeing more from you. Until then, happy writing!




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Sun Jun 20, 2021 9:10 pm
JdoggyGirl wrote a review...



Oooh, i really liked this one! It showed the beauty of nature, and the bad effects of climate change and littering all at once! First off, i would like to suggest capitalizing the beginning of all the lines, and the proper names, such as Anchorage, Big Dipper etc. It goes a long way, trust me. What do you mean by “the actual” Big Dipper? By downdrift do you mean “in the direction of the net longshore transport,” or “On the downward side of a drift”? Or driftwood? I feel like most people wouldn’t understand what you were talking about, but maybe that’s just me. The part about “Men say their sailor songs verbatim” doesn’t make a huge ton of sense. Verbatim means ‘word for word’, or ‘with word for word accuracy.’ It doesn’t quite seem to fit. “Tatterdemalion” is a fun looking word, and one can infer it’s meaning, but it’s not a very common word, and I feel it would be better if you put a slightly more common word in it’s place. Props for the fun fancy word though, it fits pretty well! I think in the “The actual big dipper and polaris are barely seen throughout all of the air pollution,” line you could take out the ‘are’ and change throughout to through. It kinda just seems to fit better. Lastly, I really like the last line. It has a fun, echoey, mysterious air to it, but i think you could rewrite it to make a little more sense. I love the line about nature praying to dieties, it really personifies nature as begging to be saved from the trash and filth being dumped on it. Sorry for being really nitpicky, it’s a really great and interesting poem! I feel it has a powerful message, keep it up!





For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle