Young Writers Society

Whoa! This is so cool! It sounds really interesting and I'm excited to read more. Just a few notes before I go. Your dialogue is kind of hard to pick out, try starting a different line whenever someone speaks. With what I said about the dialogue try to place your paragraphs so it doesn't look so bulky. As far as the story goes, I really like your idea. I understood what Jones is like very soon, and almost immediately disliked Lake. Since it's a prolog, I'm not really concerned about the length, however, it would be nice if you described more like her surroundings. Not really appearances but just overall so we get the big picture. The ending was really interesting and it's leaving me ready for your next entry.

Hey there, TessyBoo! I'm Tom, I'll be leaving a review for you today.

I just want to start off by saying this caught my eye when I noticed "Military Maine Acadamy for Juvenile Delinquents" in the description. I actually grew up in Maine

It's wicked late where I'm at right now, so I'm going to leave you with a rather short review. If you want to hear anything else just let me know and I'll get back to you, or feel free to leave a request in my "Will Review for Food" thread!

So for starters I'd like to compliment your sense of narration in this prologue. It made it extremely easy to follow, and I felt as though I was being tugged or guided along for the read. Very easy and enjoyable, and it made me not want to turn away until I had fully finished the piece. I hope you stick to this style, because I'll most definitely stick around to the chapters following this one! I'll look out for those in the future, so be sure to drop some review requests for me when you post them

I'll just nitpick some small issues here and there in terms of writing and grammar now.

"Though it was already late Jones’ eyes were sharp..."

Add in a comma after "late" in that sentence since a name follows it. Its a general rule, along with better improving the flow of the sentence.

"Tapping a neatly painted fingernail, nervously she watched the delinquent."

Swap "nervously" and "she." I'm assuming you went for a bit of different wording here, but sticking to putting the "she" first makes it much more pleasant on the eyes and mind, and grammatically makes much more sense.

"Lucinda was sprawled over the chair, looking at ease with a smug smile on her face, it would seem she wants to be punished."

With this, I would replace "Lucinda" with "Lucky." We hadn't learned her real first name yet, so it took me a few rereads to pick up on who we were talking about. You did, however, mention her nickname of "Lucky," so that's why I recommend using that. The second time you use "Lucinda," though, I enjoy. It uses her entire name in an almost derogatory manner, and we already knew her last name, so it's a much cleaner way of introducing her real first name.

"We all know whose student file is the thickest."

Here, I would change "we" to "they," simply because the narration was never in first person up until that point. Leaving it in third person just keeps it cleaner.

"What happened next left Principal Jones wishing she took early retirement."

I would just throw in an "an" or "the" before "retirement," just for the flow of the sentence's sake.

My last comment is that I loved the flow and narration of the second paragraph, as well as the final line. The second paragraph was fun to read as I got to learn about everything Lucky has done to get to this point, and it kept me hooked. Simple as that. The final line keeps the hook going by suggesting that Lucky somehow followed all that up with something even worse! Well done

Overall I really enjoyed this piece, and I hope my small nitpicks help in some way! I hope you continue this story and continue to share the following chapters with us, I'll have my eyes out for them.

-Tom

Hello, TessyBoo! And seeing now that you are new to the site, welcome to the Young Writer's Society!

I'm going to make corrections to your work in bold or stricken through then comment below on what I think of the story/prologue!

"This is the LAST STRAW, Miss Lake," Principle Jones said in exasperation with her hands in the air exaggerating her frustration.

One hair didn’t seem to want to stay in place. She stroked it vigorously, but it rebelled perpetually.

Though it was already late, Jones’s eyes were sharp and filled with the wisdom of many school years spent as the head of Belmond High. None of that experience, however, helped her against the infamous ‘Lucky’.

Lucinda was sprawled over the chair, looking at ease with a smug smile on her face, it would seem she wanted to be punished.

Jones let out a small sigh. Never in her life had she had such a troublesome student, and this had to happen her last year before retirement.

"Good Heavens!" Had been her reaction when she was confronted by a bleeding teacher who demanded the expulsion of one Lucinda Lake.

Even her troubled past could not excuse for this violent behaviour, she was now a safety hazard to the faculty.

"I’m sorry, Miss Lake, but we can no longer have you stay at this school. You will never be allowed to set foot in this campus again. Clear out your locker and go home. I have already informed social services, and they will contact you soon to discuss where you will be placed now. Please hand in your textbooks to the library before you leave." When Jones finished speaking, Miss Lake stood up and left the room without a word.

Hey there,

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Principle Jones said in exasperation with her hands in the air, exaggerating her frustration.

In a regal way

Poor Jones.

gotten off with only

We all know who’swhose student file is the thickest.