Work in progress. Help me make it better.
*******************
Caught my hand from turning on the blinker tonight,
Caught myself from getting on the highway…
Those lost highways
Highways that go on for miles
Cause today I wanted to go
I wanted to see how far half a tank of gas would get me
I wanted to leave
I wanted to run
Cause Run is the song on my stereo
And I’ve wanted to do it too long.
I have pushed and convinced and talked myself into
A corner I don’t want to be in
Where in my current state of mind
Is suffocating
Because it seems everyone seems to lean on me
But I can’t lean on nobody,
Cause when I try and call my friends…
They’re at work.
Because my little sister has a tumor,
And I can’t do a thing
Because the one I love,
Is a thousand miles away,
Because the song on the stereo,
The song on the radio,
Is telling me to run.
And I really want to know how far I’ll get
with half a tank of gas.
Cause all I want to do,
With the screams coming from the other room,
Is take that half a tank of gas,
And run,
And see how close I can get,
See how many miles I can tick off,
Before I’m out of gas,
Before that needle reaches the E,
Before reality catches up to me
Because no matter how much life
Works for me,
I always want to see,
Where those highways go,
And how far I can get,
How close I can become,
To being me.
The real me.
So I want to know how far I can get,
On a half a tank of gas.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
it surprised me, a little bit. It was close to getting to be redundant, close to being too....I don't know, just dry of ideas, but it wasn't either of those at all....and I liked it. Kudos.
All I can say is that this is really... good! Keep up the good work
Nice poem. It was touchy, but nice in the same way.
Hm...that sounds familiar...:looks around...stops at brad:
The concept, is very favorable. I loved that.
However, I'm going to have to agree with Mesh, there were a few places here that it was repetitve. I think the most irritating of all was probably the "Because"s. The "Caught" two times in a row, the "Before." I don't know. It may just be me. The "I wanted to" was fine...I really liked that part--I guess because it sounded like something I would write.
But anyway, thanks for a GOOD anti-cliche poem! Don't run across many these days...good work.
An example of a good poem. Nothing too fancy, just poignant and well-executed. Good use of repetition, and the ending sort of lingers in your mind after the poem is read.
Because no matter how much life
Works for me,
I always want to see,
Where those highways go,
And how far I can get,
How close I can become,
To being me.
that stanza seems almost unnecesary though. I think you express those feelings in other ways throught the poem and its a tad redundant. Maybe consider taking it out entirely... but overall nice work.
Babe...I loved it, I really did, there's just one part that mixed me up
Can you put a 'for' after the 'it' in the second line? That's really the only critique I have, a tiny gramatical error. Got to say, I've felt the same thing...you know i have. I've just wanted to sy screw it, lets take this highway and see how far we go! Actually...didn't we do that once? Fond memories my dear..."Because my little sister has a tumor,
And I can’t do a thing
Because the one I love,
Is a thousand miles away,
Because the song on the stereo,
The song on the radio,
Is telling me to run. "
This entire piece was uncanny and chilling. Chillingly uncanny.
Thanks Liz. Still trying to figure out what the third one will be. The first was "Night Driving". All 'car' poems. I have one hanging around in my head, but every time I reach for it, it just scoots away just a little bit... seems like it's that way with all my writing these days...
I really like it. Powerful and emotional without being confessional poetry. Nice way to express a real-life situation, in a narrative form. It was a pretty original metaphor too. Good work.
hum.. it sounds like tww people if you read it one way, but if you read it the other way, it sounds like one person. it makes sense, though, becuase you change the subject (right word?) every two lines. maybe a period after thing, and one after away? that makes it sound like two seperate ideas in one stanza. or (this goes more in the style of your poem) take out the comma after away. or you can just leave it as it is.
i think it's fine, but i can see how it can be confusing.
Thanks.
Real life poem... I really did have to stop myself from turning on the blinker to go on the highway. Sudden surge of recklessness that I really wish I had followed right about now.
And, oh... in that part...
I'm talking about two different people. I realized when I re-read it that it sounds like just one. Should I seperate it? Help?
Cause I'm talking about, of course, my sister. And then this guy I'm really into that is around the same place, a thousand miles away. So I need to know what to do to make that more there... or something.
this is powerful.
the last line, ther're at work, it seems to be anticlimatic to me, is that the effect you were going for? i think it works, but it also (slightly) disrputs the flow of the poem. maybe a dash instead of ...?
all the stanzas but the first two and the couple lines start with becuase. it works for this line And I really want to know how far I’ll get
with half a tank of gas.
and the last few lines, but the rest seem out of place. also, repeating the word really is too repetitive. maybe talking out really in one line, or replacing it with another word.
it sounds tidier to me without the really in there.