I closed my eyes,
and watched my body die,
a story in my mind,
a thought without a vessel,
a sound dying from ample lip,
a glorious temptation of the devil.
Caged in my mind.
no moton and no breath,
a spirt failed retrieval,
cursed upon no sacred soil,
spoken with no touch of evil,
numbed to pain and sound and thought,
the world went black as night,
and the gravity of my sins so meany,
caused my spirit to take flight,
but fall for her wings where tied.
And this my deads were magnified,
for I had called the tempest,
which caught her up and crashed her down,
in violent waves, I tossed her crown,
and cast her essence upon the ground,
for just a shell I was.
And thus flew away without a pause,
a though,
a notion of the pain I'de caused,
the suffering this would cost,
the fog that would fall upon my eyes,
the never-ending curtain of blue and stare flecked sky,
that I had called to be let down over the stage,
and cut my view away.
to see no more of life.
To drink no more form holy cup,
to feel no more the words that lift me up,
the sound of my laughter ringing in heart and heaven,
for I had cut my wings,
broken my vessel my essence,
blown out my iridescence,
set forever to fret,
for this,
this is what it is to know regret.
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139,254 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hola, you're in big luck because I'm here to review your poem.
Okay, so in the first three sentences or lines rhyme to me, and guess what oh, I love rhyming poems. Also the last line of this poem really sums up the story, so great job. Now for the criticizing or whatever it's called part.
First of all in one of the sentences or lines, I think you meant to say many instead of meany. Tell me in the comments or in a reply if I accidentally made a mistake on that and you meant to put it there, I'm just saying though it sounds like many to me.
Okay so next, in the sentence or lying that you said something about retrieval, that wasn't really that clear to me. Maybe fixing it up a little as in fixing up the part when I think you meant spirit instead of spirt.
Overall
Overall, this story was imaginative, which is a good thing. The one big giant feedback I can give you, is to put some stanzas. To me, and maybe some people else, this poem looks like a complete run off and also sounds like a complete run off sometimes, but maybe if you added stanzas, you can organize parts of the poem so that the poem would make more sense. Just a suggestion.
Anyway, that's all the feedback I can supposably give you for now, see you some other time. Bye.
Hey there Tess! Just dropping by for a short review
. Let's get right into it!
Retrieval of what? It isn't quite clear here. Also, I believe you meant "spirit" instead of spirt here.Minor thing, but I think you meant "many" here.
A better punctuation of this would be "but fall, for her wings were tied"
Again, minor detail
Another small nitpick.
Last nitpick, I promise.
Excellent last line! I loved this
Overall Thoughts
Stanzas. You need stanzas.
The poem feels like a run-on sentence without stanzas; you need to give your reader time to breathe in between thoughts. This was the first thing about the poem that jumped out at me, and it disrupted your flow to have everything all grouped together.
I loved some of the imagery you had going on here—the idea of cutting wings, regretting wrong, seeing colors during your final moments—all of the specific imagery provoked some good images in my mind and helped me to really feel this poem.
I think you could do a little bit more with punctuation. Since you have such short lines, making sure they're punctuated appropriately and divided is crucial so that it doesn't start to feel like a run-on sentence. Sometimes, you went a bit too long without dividing it into a sentence, and it felt like you were just adding thoughts to the sentence without stopping. That's something to be aware of, and the more punctuation you can add without being over-the-top, the better off you'll be.
Hopefully those thoughts were helpful, and I'd be happy to provide additional feedback or clarification on anything I've said here. I loved some of the ideas you're establishing, and I hope that some of these nitpicks and general thoughts gave you ideas for how to polish it up
~MJTucker