Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Date:02/27/2017. By, Teryl E Patton
I've been seeing a lot of depressing stuff about a men that loved you so much. Listen hunny your probably laying down thinking about him. Wondering what you did wrong? Meanwhile he isn't thinking about you, he is texting other females making other women feel the love he used to make you feel. But deep inside you knew it wasn't going to work. The same lies the same games just let go lovely you'll find someone that will love you with all his heart. A man isn't going to let go of something he can't find again from other woman. It wasn't love baby Girl it was lust.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
hello, ash here for a review.
okay a few things before i get into what i think.
first off the title. "a females perspective". the word "females" needs to have an apostrophe, making it "a female's perspective."
there were a few grammar problems so ill help with that a little (though im not the best with it haha).
"I've been seeing a lot of
(here i think the word "depressive" would work better than depressing"depressing stuff about a men(do you mean a "man"?) that loved you so much.
Listen hunny(i'll allow the slang to slide without being too harsh about it, however, if this were a professional writing thing, you would for sure have some points taken off.)
your (here you used the wrong form of "your" it needs to be "you're".) probably laying down thinking about him.(<- replace the comma with a period and make the W in wondering lower case.) Wondering what you did wrong?(here i think a period goes better than a question mark.)
Meanwhile (here you need a comma after "meanwhile".) he isn't thinking about you, he is texting other females (this is going to sound stupid maybe, but please don't use the word females, in this case, to me it feels lowkey inappropriate)
making other women feel the love he used to make you feel. But deep inside you knew it wasn't going to work.
The same lies the same games just let go lovely you'll find someone that will love you with all his heart.
A man isn't going to let go of something he can't find again from other woman. It wasn't love(put a comma in front of baby) baby Girl(make the G lower case and put a comma after the word girl.) it was lust."
overall i really liked this piece. for it to be so short you really got your point accross which is always a really hard thing to do. like if you handed someone this in a letter i think they would be like "ooooohhhhh" and get the point really fast.
so yeah i really enjoyed reading this! i thought it was fantastic.
keep up the amazing writing.
i look forward to seeing more from you in the future! ( would you mind tagging me next time?)
Best!
>Ash
Hi, Terylpatton2000! Welcome to YWS! I'm Pan and I'll be sautéing up a quick review for you today.
Okay, so the first thing that struck me about this piece was the title. Grammar's a bore, I know (
unless you're a massive grammar nerd like me), but it's got to be tended to sooner rather than later. The correct way to write the title would be this:A Female's Perspective
'Female's' needs an apostrophe before the 's' because it's possessive. Always keep that rule in mind.
Danni88 caught a lot of the other grammar issues so I'm not going to repeat her points, but I will focus on another issue I noticed: run-on sentences. A run-on sentence is when two independent clauses are smushed together without a connective or the appropriate kind of punctuation. Let's take a few examples from the piece.
With the colours, you can see the two independent clauses in each quote. The issue is that the bits in orange and the bits in purple are all perfectly capable of standing as their own sentences. You could have this:
Just let go, lovely. You'll find someone that will love you with all his heart.
It wasn't love, baby girl. It was lust.
Because they can be written completely separately, this means that they can't just be strung together as if they were one long sentence - hence the term 'run-on sentence'. The easiest way to fix run-ons is to do what I did above and stick a full stop between the two independent clauses. You could also use some kind of connective:
Just let go, lovely, and you'll find someone that will love you with all his heart.
Or you could use a semi-colon instead of a full stop:
It wasn't love, baby girl; it was lust.
Spotting run-ons will be a lot easier if you familiarise yourself with what constitutes a full sentence. It's a broad subject that I don't have time to go into here, but I'd recommend checking out this handy resource for guidance, as well as this guide and this guide for more specific information on run-ons. If they don't help, I'll be happy to try and explain them in more detail.
So, let's address the actual content of the piece. I think this is a message that a lot of women will be able to relate to, which is good, and the use of 'you' does connect the narrator to the reader. I like that it's to-the-point, as well, rather than spending paragraphs rambling about nothing. However, I feel like the shortness of this piece robs it of a lot of impact. By the time I've settled myself into the narrative, it's already over.
I also don't feel like it says anything strikingly original. On social media, you tend to see a lot of posts calling for self-love and damning toxic relationships, so I don't really feel like there's anything new here. I'd be more interested if you took an unconventional perspective on the issue, though I don't know what that would be.
I'm afraid I don't have much more to say than that. The grammar is definitely the main issue to focus on fixing, but I think it's also worth thinking about the originality of this piece. It isn't saying much that I haven't heard before, and I think it would benefit from being a bit longer. With more time, you might be able to extend this into a more sustained narrative and draw me into the narrator's perspective a lot more - maybe if you made it more specific rather than trying to appeal to a wide audience, there'd be more opportunity to be original. It all comes down to you, though. It's your choice.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Teryl! Danni here for a review! Welcome to YWS.
This was quite hard to read because of the grammar errors, which were strewn throughout this work. I have pointed out your errors here, with my comments in red and mistakes in italics.
Here's my corrected version with my edits in bold:
I love the meaning here. This happened to my BFF and it was really hard for her. So true.
Overall, this had a strong meaning and I enjoyed it, but it wasn't that well-written. Has huge potential.
Ahahahaha invisible writing @CarolineGlitter haha
Best wishes,
Danni x
I love this. I can really relate to this. It makes me think about all the people who don't actually love someone. They moreless trap you. I really like it you should do more I will check those out. But over all I think its really realistic and stuff people have to watch for
Thank you so much