Nathaniel crouched in one corner of his paddock, drinking deeply from a white, plastic bucket. The cold water lapped at his nose as he drank, and he delighted in its wet, sloppy kiss. Movement in the opposite corner of the paddock caught his eye, and he looked up from his bucket. What he saw sent ripples of awe down his back.
He was face to face with a wild animal, and even as a sensation very much like fear awakened in his chest, a very different feeling was stirring inside him: a mixture of wonder and pride—pride at being so near such strength, wonder that it could coexist with such beauty. He looked directly into the animal’s eyes and saw that they were bright and flecked with gold. Beneath them, the creature’s fur was smooth and white, like two smears of war paint.
Nathaniel inched closer. The animal’s square muzzle bristled briefly at his approach, then turned upwards, as if seeking out Nathaniel’s musty odor, and Nathaniel saw its lips were dark, hung with a serene yet serious expression. Nathaniel felt, inexplicably, that songs and proverbs could not have compared to the lofty silence that blossomed there.
A light breeze passed through the slatted walls of the paddock, stirring the hair on Nathaniel’s neck. He lifted his face to meet it, and saw the animal across from him do likewise. It, too, had thick, honey-colored hair around its face.
The presence of a mane identifies the adult male from the slightly smaller female. The phrase had little meaning to Nathaniel—it was merely an echo in another language, something he had heard once before, bouncing off the walls of his paddock. He watched the strange animal a little longer, then, assured that it would make no sudden movements, he sank to the floor, deciding it was time for an afternoon nap. The sun shone brightly off the newly installed mirror as Nathaniel slept beneath a polished bronze plaque: African lion, panthera leo, family fidelia.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Terracotta!
This is one very interesting piece. So let's get down to the review!
I'll do it paragraph-wise so that I can pin-point those spots of concern.
1st Paragraph
The first paragraph of a story is always crucial since it's what kick-starts that inception in the reader's mind about the plot that's taking place. This story is a little calm in its beginning, and that's good, but it ensures a boring start. There was nothing to set the mood or the scene for the actions that took place. You started out point-blank at Nathaniel drinking out from a pool. Give in some sort of ruse. Lead the reader to an atmosphere within the story. Show some realistic reference and do it convincingly.
For example, you could have started the story not by going straight to Nathaniel. You could have brought in some more interest by bringing in more scenery or state. Maybe start by talking about how hot it was and of how, amidst the heat and the lack of things to do for Nathaniel, he took solace in that perfectly round, circular smooth-textured vessel brimming with water. (Yes, I'm not saying bucket because 'bucket' is too straight-forward. It subconsciously gives away a lot of the plot to the reader and I'll explain why later in the review.)
The words, '...and he delighted in its wet...' don't sound right here. Perhaps replace 'delighted' with something better like 'relished' or 'raptured' etc., since 'delighted' sounds too mundane. Also, the line, 'Movement in the opposite corner of the paddock caught his eye...' is too brief to fully describe the gravity of how this movement affected Nathaniel so greatly that he just had to look at it.
2nd Paragraph
In the previous paragraph, you end with saying that Nathaniel sensed movement in the opposite corner. If Nathaniel was in the same place as he already was all this while and even though it's his own reflection, how is it that his reflection shifted from the opposite corner to now being face to face with him? Something has definitely been overlooked here.
The wonder and pride part was good, however, you talk about how that much strength can coexist with such beauty. I would have liked to see more emphasis to describe these two qualities of the creature since that could have been beautifully portrayed. Don't just talk about the colour of its eyes or the colour of the coat of fur it has. Talk about the sharp glare the eyes give and the strong muscular build as well as the way it moves. So much missed opportunity for description here, I felt. Give the reader a connection to this creature so that he/she may also understand and sympathize with Nathaniel and feel that same sense of awe and wonder.
3rd Paragraph
I understand you're trying to show some differentiation between the lion and his reflection by means of the reflection's movements. But if that's what the reflection is doing, then Nathaniel should be doing the same thing simultaneously. And that's something that's been kept from the readers - the truth. You haven't mentioned anything about Nathaniel's movements at all. And all for the purpose of hiding the trick to the plot. There could be clever ways of veiling these obvious moments through subtle distraction of attention from the readers rather than eliminating them completely. Because then it seemed as though the reflection somehow had a mind of its own. And if readers re-read the piece, they'll definitely find something fishy about this particular paragraph. It's a nit-pick, but it's one of those elements you mustn't overlook.
The part about songs and proverbs should have been given a miss. Animals do not think in terms of proverbs and words as humans do. Perhaps maybe say it in the narrator's point of view rather than Nathaniel's. It would work out better that way.
Also, the atmosphere by now in the story should probably be tense and serious. And to describe the silence of it all, 'blossomed' doesn't come out as being the most apt of words to use. It's correct, nevertheless, but still inappropriate in this context. Use words like 'weighed heavily' or 'encapsulated the paddock' or 'reaped' or similar words with slightly darker undertones.
4th Paragraph
Here's the big give away. And thus the whole trick is found out. At least, I found out sooner here, than later on. Another thing I didn't quite understand was why it was only now that Nathaniel wanted to lift his head to meet the reflection? Didn't he already do it before when he looked directly into its eyes when they were supposedly face-to-face back then?
5th Paragraph
This paragraph could have ended the story better through better choice of words and arrangement. Whatever little suspense of thrill that was already existing now just dissipates and vanishes lazily when it is revealed that a mirror was being installed just then. Nothing much to say here.
Final Words
This short story needs more flesh to it. More description, more emphasis more planning and more atmosphere. A solid re-analyzing and revision will make this a better piece than it is right now. It's somewhat clever, but the delivery hasn't been executed very well. There still needs to be some more thought put into this piece and it clearly shows.
In fact, I've had the same experience with a story of mine and it had a plot quite similar to yours in terms of deceptive coincidence. So automatically, I felt the need to review this piece since it's got much potential. Please forgive my bluntness and harshness in reviewing this and I promise you, it's only because I've been swayed by this piece in a way and helping you with suggesting ways to improve this would make this story all the more better. So specifically, add more depth to your story and focus on the plot without actually covering up obvious facts but instead cleverly cloaking them.
This was a good read. Keep the ink flowing.
Murtuza
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I wish this was longer because the setting of the story interested me! The only thing I really have to criticize is the almost frequent use of "paddock". You used it four times. If it was longer (like I wish it was
) it probably wouldn't be as distracting. Maybe it's just me though.
I also wish you would've described your surroundings a bit better too! Good job overall though.