Cold and Alone - Chapter 1

So after reading, I had realized that I love this story and wish for more but some certain points came up, that probably should be clean up a bit (But of course, you're the author and can keep the story the way you want it and I'm sorry if this review sounds harsh).

In the first sentence, there is a word, that makes the sentence feel repeated: winter. The first winter seems unneeded and I feel you can sort of could combine the first two sentences into one. Then, also in the first paragraph, there are some sentences that seem out of place and unneeded. An example would be "Well that's where you are wrong." I like where your trying to get at but it feels out of place, that it's hard to tell what exactly you're trying to tell your reader. Another thing about paragraph one (At least for me), was that it feels like two people are trying to talk at the same time and can be a bit confusing.

However, you seem to do better with paragraph two because the diction was good and you really put some life into the setting that you were creating, along with the creating of your character. Though the second "Although" needs a comma right after it.

With paragraph three, the reader is given random information that could easily be ignored. What you did with the third paragraph was give us bone and no meat, if that makes sense. I would try describing the area and the girl at the same time. An example: "Her evergreen eyes stared at the brown bare trees, loving the way...." Of course you really don't have to listen to me because it's your story.

The fourth paragraph tends to get a little repeated with the first sentences but other than that it's a good paragraph. Though at one point you end up using past and present tense and there is that part were she getting snow off her boot and I wasn't sure if you meant "of" or "off" her boots.

Fifth paragraph is good but the last sentence seems out of place a bit. Then when you were having the character brush her hair, you put "he" instead of "she". Also there might be a lack of interaction with family members, as the character seem a bit distant from her family. If that's what you were going for then it would be a good way of putting character traits to work but your main character doesn't seem like a distant person.

Sixth paragraph has a small problem with not enough detail or thought from the main character, as it is not sure how the character feels about the sudden change.

Finally, paragraph seven is a bit unclear as to what exactly is happening. It's hard to tell if she is awake or dreaming.

But in all honesty, I really love this story and you had managed to draw in one more reader

Greetings from The Swordsman!

I was pulled to your story by the title that you brought up. Cold and Alone. It paints a very clear picture of what the story will entail. However, once I got into the story, the hook seemed to die away.

I can't speak much on grammar but I can speak about the plot itself. This may only be the first section of the first chapter, but I can't find myself really being pulled into this book. The title was good and it caught my eye, but once here, there was very little that actually held my attention.

There needs to be some element that makes the reader want to keep reading. At the moment, the only thing I have is this mysterious figure in Alyssa's dream. Perhaps a little more foreboding. Maybe a small paragraph about how Alyssa feels eyes on her. Something that intrigues the reader and makes them want to know what is going on.

Your writing style is easy to follow, though there is a little issue with tense (I have the same trouble, all I can do is recognize it, can't actually fix it.)

Overall there is a good start here, but I think you need just a little more. Something that really grabs the reader and pulls them into the world. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Happy Writing!

Hi there! I clicked on your story because I thought the title was amazing "Cold and Alone" sounds so dramatic. I loved the sound of it , because I love horror stories etc , actually written one myself ! But hey on with the reviewww!

First of all, your first paragraph was very confusing. You sort of say, it's not best to be warm? But actually... I love to be warm xD .. And also you keep contradicting yourself by saying "actually" etc .. It feels really confusing from my perspective and hard to understand . I feel like you need to structure it differently to make it have more impact on the reader. For instance, maybe describe the winter- it's harshness in more depth etc . Or why people may dislike or like staying in doors in more detail ... So "some of us ...... However, many others...." more structured.

Another thing to improve - you keep mixing up your tenses. In the second paragraph you say "prefers" but it should be "preferred" as you're writing in past tense. In the sixth paragraph you say "cooks" instead of "cooked" .. And in the third paragraph you say "when she last checks" instead of "checked".

Also, in the third paragraph you jump from a beautiful description of simile "..evergreen trees" to character description . I feel like you could of gone into more detail about the setting for us to get a clearer image. However, as I said , I love your simile there! I just would like to see more!

Furthermore, what you used effectively was the rhetorical question "curiosity killed the cat didn't it?" - loved that!! So dramatic and it shows the reader something bad is going to happen - foreshadows. Really liked it - well done!

In terms of your story line I think it's really interesting - as I've said I love horror stories . I think it has potential and I'd like to read more . However, I felt like the ending of your chapter "sleep" could've been made into more of a cliff hanger to keep the reader hooked . But that's just my opinion - hope this helps