Published January 24, 2010
“Melinda?”called my doctor “it’s time for you to eat” I groaned dreading the effort it took to eat every day all they made me do was eat all the time. I would rather just sit around and watch TV all day and do nothing. They didn’t really care anyway they were just here to make sure that I didn't’t kill myself. My parents had dragged me to this rehab center in hopes that I wouldn’t be a “troubled child” as they had put it. They said it would be nice and good for me. The walls are white the beds are white floors and ceilings also white even the staff wears white constantly. They blend in with the surroundings moving along with uncaring eyes staring judgmentally at all the screwy children here having sympathy for no one. No visitors are allowed I hear the younger children cry at night because they can’t see their parents and haven’t seen them in months. I find it cruel that they let them suffer like they do. I feel lucky that I’m not as mental as my roommate Mary she does absolutely nothing never even talks. I was told by the desk lady that she started out like me just a depressed confused teen then one day she just stopped talking and hasn't’t said a word since. I realized that if I didn’t change the way things were in my life they never would. I would be stuck in this white prison like Mary never making progress never talking. With this thought, for the first time I willingly went to eat my meal.
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello,
Welcome to YWS may I just say!
So yes I think everything has been said really, please extended your story because I would like to know who these people are and whats going to happen to them etc. This has a lot of potential so use it
Also, having it in bold makes it difficult and irritating to read so please could you change it to normal text.
Finally, if you gave it an intersting title then people are more likely to read it.
Anyways, well done. This has loads going for it.
Good Luck extending it
Keep Writing
~Lydia
Pretty interesting!
You have my attention...continue writing this! Develop your characters a little more and we might have a winner
I think Crazy covered it all. Just please, don't put it in bold. Normal print, please, normal print. Also, I, personally, didn't find your ideas all that original. The white hospital is cliche, the crazy roommate is cliche, the troubled main character who's sick of life but then reforms is cliche.Sorry, I don't mean to be over-critical, but I figured you wouldn't care that much about a super-short story like this. You have lots of talent, apply it to something original! Or maybe, un-cliche this by adding some crazy twist. That would be cool. Also, work on your grammar and punctuation. Nobody likes correcting mistakes that the writer could easily catch. Keep writing.
--Dreamy
Okay that's a very short story. It should almost definitely be extended. You need to explain your characters better. Why is this girl here? Etc.
Oh and it needs to be spaced out. It is so difficult to keep track of when reading. And there are a few punctuation marks that should be in here that aren't.
Mind if I give you an example?
I think you have natural talent as a writer. This story flowed nicely and there was a fair amount of detail. Even though all these ideas could have appeared random, somehow you fit them all together nicely.
Keep writing alright?
~Crazy