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The Ultimate Mistake

by Tellurian

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67 Reviews

Points: 2927
Reviews: 67

Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:22 pm
Epicdonkalous wrote a review...

Hey there!

So I like the concept, but I do think you could change a few things to improve the quality of this story. First off, I think you used too many descriptive words, all in one sentence. It comes off too wordy, such as your opening sentence.

"A hunchbacked man powerlessly observed a power command module in a small safe haven above the desolate irradiated, now brown Earth, he had dirty, oily hair that stuck to his head and hung over his eyes, examining systems and trying to shut down all non essential ones. "

I'd rearrange the first few words, to work in "powerlessly" another way. Also, I'd break up that sentence, as it reads as a run-on. Try ending at "module", then picking up with "This was the only safe haven, (hovering above) the desolate, irradiated, (dying) brown Earth. " I know I added words, but this is just a suggestion - to show you how the flow would improve. End there, then continue with the description of his appearance, then follow it with a sentence of examining the systems. This run-on problem is carried throughout.

Also, try breaking sentences into shorter ones (goes along with the run-on thing). I think that only will project a stronger message. Other problems I spotted were the lack of proper punctuation, such as commas, format problems such as the chunky/big paragraphs, and redundancy. I think you repeat things a few more times than what you should, such as how you tell that he is the last human.

Overall, just re-read this, observe problems and making changes of your own, and I think you could have a strong piece!


Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.
— Matthew 12:25