Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Ever since Mankind’s inception, some force of nature has evolved to kill us. And for the past, 30 or so years, that force of nature, has been the Living Dead. Everyone thought that such a thing would never come to be. Fuck, they were wrong. Out of all the doomsday scenarios people had come up with, a fucking zombie apocalypse was the most realistic. Honestly, which did you think had the better chance of happening: A big ass asteroid coming out of nowhere and obliterating us all, an alien invasion, or a zombie apocalypse? Don’t sound so stupid now, do I?
When they first surfaced, everyone thought it was just an elaborate marketing campaign. For what? They never knew. That’s cause it wasn’t. This shit was actually fucking happening. The first recorded event was of some drunken asshole messing with a zombie on the side of the road. She came up to the sorry bastard, and ripped his throat out. The media’s reaction?
“Holy shit bro. Watch this video. #crazyasfuck.”
No one took it seriously. That’s cause they were a bunch of Hollywood assholes. They made fun of it like every other person on Earth. Kind of ironic really, cause one of the very first major outbreaks occurred in Los Angeles. Those pricks deserved it.
Anyway, not everyone was a badass during the apocalypse. The whole badass person was rarely even an actual presence during my travels. There was always that one person who thought they were great at killing zombies, and then they realized that they were actually really bad at it. I guess its cause they got eaten doing what they thought was just a game. That’s what most people fail to understand. The zombie apocalypse isn’t some game. It’s real life. It’s a matter of survival, not how awesome that headshot was, or how cool that beat down was. None of that bullshit was true. Humanity spent most of its time hiding from the zombies, rather than fighting them head on. We were too afraid. We didn’t know what had happened, or why. We just knew that we’d all die; we just didn’t want it to be by their hand.
For most, the outbreak was different. They got to keep their families. Their mothers, fathers, brothers, and sister. They got to keep them. I wasn’t so lucky. I was one of the unlucky people who had to kill their family. I did it, so that they wouldn’t end up like those fucking animals. I did it, to save them. The sad part, they were the first ones to die by my hand, but they sure weren’t the last.
30 YEARS EARLIER…
“Hello?” I yelled as I entered my house. It seemed empty. This was unusual since my little brother had always rushed to the door immediately whenever I’d just gotten in from school. “Mack?” I yelled for my brother. No answer. “Oh no.” I hoped what happened in the city hadn’t already happened here. It was near impossible for it to reach us that quick. I went over to the living room and turned on the TV. There, I saw the extent of what was going on. It was horrifying.
I was watching a live feed of a horde of zombies completely overtake the city of Chicago. The city was burning. I was one of the millions that stood there at their TV screen, and just watched. If it was happening in Chicago, a few states away, that may have meant that it could happen here, in New York. But what were the chances of it happening that fast? How could it have spread from Chicago, to Manhattan, to Brooklyn that quickly? Did that many people die? Just then. I heard a large knock on the door. I ran over to see whom it was. I opened the door, without thinking, and it happened to be a teenage girl, around my age, carrying what seemed to a younger girl in her arms. Probably her sibling.
“Please help us.” She said while holding back some tears. The girl was bloodied. “She’s not bitten. We just escaped a car accident.”
“Where are your parents?” I asked.
“They were eaten – by those things.” She explained. In pity, I took them in, while waiting for my own family to show up.
ONE HOUR LATER…
“Thanks a lot. For helping us I mean. It really does mean a lot.” The girl I took from outside said to me as she walked into the living room form down the hall.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. How’s your sister?” I asked.
“She’s fine. I just patched up her wound. She had a pretty nasty cut from the crash.”
“I’m glad to hear.” I said while continuing to watch what was happening in Chicago.
“My name’s Natalie, by the way.” She then attempted to walk over to me and shake my hand. I looked at her for a few seconds, trying to understand why she was so scared.
“Luke,” I said while shaking her hand as well. “Luke Maynard.”
“Where are your parents?” she asked me while trying to get a good view of the TV. I moved over a bit.
“I have no clue. Every time I try to call, it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t know if they’re safe, trying to get to me, or even dead. I may never know at all.” I said as I watched the city of Chicago continue to burn after about an hour. “How’s your sister doing?”
“I think she’s sleeping.” Natalie said to me.
“What were you doing? Before the accident?” I asked.
“We were on our way to Maine. My family’s got a lake house there on an island. What about you guys?”
“Us? To be honest, I don’t even think we had a plan to begin with. We were probably just going to stay here in the city and do with what we had. Eventually we’d all just di-“
“LUKE!” I heard someone yell from the front door of my house. It sounded like my younger brother. I got up immediately and ran over to door and opened it. I was right. It was him. He ran right into my arms as I shut the door.
“Oh thank God you’re alive.” I said as I brought his head up toward mine. “Where’s Mom?”
“I – I – I don’t know. Mommy just told me to keep running to the house. And then those crazy people were on their way toward her.” He started to tear up. “ D – do you think they got her?”
I wasn’t sure what to tell my brother, other than the fact that zombies might’ve killed our mother. “No, of course not little man.” I said as I brushed his hair out of his face with my hand. “I’m sure that she and Dad made their way to safety and are on their way to us now.” I was horribly wrong.
“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” I heard a scream come from the back of the house. It must’ve been Natalie’s sister.
“Lucy!” Natalie yelled as she ran to the back of the house. Mack and I followed. Once Natalie reached the guest bedroom in where she put her sister, she dropped to the floor. I ran to the doorway and a zombie standing over Lucy as it ripped through her clothes and prepared to eat her insides. Reacting without thinking, I ran right into the damn thing and threw it into the wall. I quickly backed up to avoid being bit or scratched. Lucy then ran back to Natalie while I stared the zombie in its eyes. Its cold, dark, soulless eyes. It was like fear just came over me. I couldn’t move at all.
After a good three seconds, I regained myself and moved away from the zombie. It watched me, studied me. It didn’t even bother to move. It just stood against the same wall I drove it into before. With the time I’d been gifted, I scanned the room for something I could use to kill the damned thing. Nothing at all to aid in my defense.
“Mack.” I whispered to my brother who stood in the doorway. “Go to the kitchen, and get me a knife.” He then scurried away as quick as possible, and came back with the largest knife we had. He tossed it to me, and I now stood ready to kill the zombie. I took one step, and then it launched itself off the wall. I wasn’t ready for it to fall on top of me and continue to attempt to bite me. I took my knife and shoved it into the zombie’s midsection. It just wouldn’t stop.
“Leave him alone!” My brother said as he threw a pillow at the zombie. Unlike how it reacted with me, it chased him.
“MACK!” I screamed as the zombie completely forgot about me and chased my brother. Natalie grabbed Mack from the doorway and ran away with him and Lucy. The zombie followed them, with my knife in his stomach. Distraught, I got up and followed the zombie as it chased Mack, Natalie and Lucy into the attic. Once there, the zombie was between us. I was next to the stairs, the others were next to the window, and the zombie was smack-dab in the middle.
Without warning, the zombie attacked Mack, throwing the other two out of the way. That right there, is when I discovered my uncontrollable rage.
I jumped on the zombie and threw it on its back before it even laid a finger on my brother. I then took the knife out of its stomach, and repeatedly started to stab it face. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I eventually threw the knife at the wall and kept bashing the zombie’s face with my bare hands. After I recovered from my fit of rage, Natalie, Lucy, and Mack all stared at me in horror.
“What?” I asked. “What is it?” I then looked at my hands and saw how bloodied and bruised they were. I then looked at the zombie’s face, and saw there was nothing to it but bits and pieces of a brain and what seemed to be a caved in skull. “I did that?”
Natalie nodded.
“Oh my God.” I said. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“It’s fine.” She said while trying to avoid looking at my hands. “What do we do about that thing now?” She said while pointing to the zombie’s body.
“I’ve got no idea.” I said. Mack looked horrified of me. I attempted to walk toward him, but he ran downstairs instead. Natalie and Lucy followed him. As I stood there abandoned by everyone I knew, I stared at the zombie’s skull. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. I understood why they were so afraid of me. Hell, I would’ve been afraid if I were in their position too. I then walked to the window and saw what had become of my neighborhood. There were zombies everywhere. Not in hordes, but by themselves. Just roaming the streets, looking for food. Looking for us. I walked to the wall and just sank down onto the floor, as I realized what a hell my new reality had become. Damn, it’d just started too.
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The first few paragraphs are just exposition, you should leave them out and start where the action/dialogue starts (where the protagonist shows up) and integrate whatever information you need as you go.
“In pity, I took them in, while waiting for my own family to show up.” Too short, general and telly, show us how he feels pity, how he debates, how he anticipates.
“The girl I took from outside” rather than that. Have them introduce each other. Why skin an hour when you have the golden opportunity to establish the characters as they clean up and make themselves at home?
This is a zombie story, and in a zombie story you need a lot of set up and mood. Build up that tension, focus on the quiet moments, make the dialogue brief, somber.
“Without warning, the zombie attacked” Naturally. Think over your wording. Pick the most appropriate phrases.
(Btw it’s not that easy to cave in a skull with your bare hands. And if someone does manage that feat its likely his hands will be rather bruised or maybe broken in the process.)
So yeah, tension, your biggest issue I think is building it up. As I said, slow down and focus on the quiet, somber moments, making the action sudden in comparison. Else good job, keep up the good work.
The first thing that really jumped out to me was the tone. Luke comes off as really bitter and cynical—which, given that he’s survived thirty years of zombie apocalypse, is totally reasonable. He’s also clearly grown an acerbic sense of humor, which is great because it keeps the narrative from being unrelentingly (and thus alienatingly) GRIMDARK. I think that humor also adds to the feel that this guy is a survivor, and that he probably deals with grief and loss by scabbing over it and finding ways to laugh at it. So just from the tone of your narration, I’m getting an excellent feel for Luke’s basic character, which is great!
First paragraph, though: Do you need it? It starts off kinda general and then starts feeling repetitive. And your second paragraph would make a great opening, I think; it’s got hints of mystery that gets quickly resolved enough for the reader not to get annoyed, and a touch of humor to prevent monotony.
I’d like to see more of a transition between “Those pricks deserved it” and “Anyway, not everyone was a badass,” because right now it seems like a random jump from one subject to another. Maybe something like Luke mentioning initial success in fighting off zombies and people getting overconfident and bragging about how many zombies they’d killed or whatever, and then the numbers shift just enough that things aren’t going so well anymore… Or something about how zombie films gave people false expectations of how to deal with actual zombies, so a lot of would-be heroes got killed and everyone panicked. Something along those lines to segue the narrative into people hiding in fear.
Similarly, I’d advocate for finding smoother transitions into the flashbacks/time jumps. Things like THIRTY YEARS EARLIER work great for film media, but in a written narrative they just tend to be distractions. A sentence about Luke still being haunted by the memory after thirty years, or reliving it every time he kills a zombie/kills someone to prevent them from becoming a zombie, could do the trick. You’d have to switch around a few things (for example, instead of Luke shouting as he goes into his home, a simpler phrase like “when it happened, I’d just come home to find my house deserted” and then launching into the actual story). And instead of marking the passage of time with ONE HOUR LATER, you could use a sentence like “Everything seemed normal at first.” Transitioning that way doesn’t disrupt the flow of the narration, and it gets the point across just as well.
The action sequence with the zombie in the house could stand to have more fear. The tone doesn’t really change from the rest of the flashback; we need to really see how terrified Luke is to get a sense of urgency from the passage. Likewise, his horror at realizing his capacity for sheer murderous rage, directed at zombies or otherwise, would benefit from more emotive narration.
I’ll admit I’m not a huge fan of zombie fiction, but on the whole I like this. It’s really easy to be trite or cliche in such a structured genre—zombies appear, they spread, they either kill everyone or get exterminated—but I think you carry this off well. Luke’s vaguely snarky, deeply cynical narration is a big factor in that, I think, as is the fact that you didn’t start the story in the early stages of the outbreak. I don’t know if you intend to tell the whole story as a series of flashbacks leading up to the point of the introduction, or if this is just an isolated flashback to give us some background. If it’s the latter, I’d love to get to see how the apocalypse has changed the landscape of human civilization, and if it’s the former, I’d love to see those changes being made. Either way, I'm interested to see what happens next.