I'm not really sure

by Teency_Breebaby
  • September 18, 2008
  • Short Story

I'd really like to delete my account. If someone could tell me how to do so, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Teency_Breebaby Comment
Teency_Breebaby commented · Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:05 pm

I actually know all the mistakes that were made in this story. I start sentences with conjunctions sometimes because I like the way that it sounds, much better than actually combining the sentences. Fragments just sometimes work for me. A lot of writers do that. I think it gives more meaning to what the writer is saying. You're reading it the way that they want you to hear it. That's what I like about doing that. I actually use microsoft word before I put anything online, on any website. I like to know the mistakes that I make. Everything was actually grammatically correct besides the fragments&starting with a conjunction, which is acceptable. I'm not really trying to be a professional or do everything perfectly. Thanks for the help though :). The story was supposed to leave you with a lot of questions. This wasn't even the first page of what's finished of the novel, but I really just wanted to post a teaser. I'm glad that it interested someone though :). Thanks for responding.

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alwaysawriter
Review
alwaysawriter wrote a review · Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:04 am

Hi, welcome to YWS. As per the rule here, please post two reviews because you posted one of your own works.

Wow. I was pretty impressed by reading this. You kind of hooked me in with your note-talk and the neighbors being afraid of each other.

Here's my critique:

Don’t get me wrong—I love fall for the most part, but the end of fall means the beginning of winter.
Don't get me wrong--I love fall,for the most part, but the end of fall means the beginning of winter.

And I hate winter.
Try not to start a sentence with a conjuction; it always seems (to me) that sentences like that look like a fragment. Maybe combine it with the sentence before it?

Just last month I wanted to be woken up once September was over (thank God for Green Day), because it felt like the death of summer, and now I wanted it back.
I like the irony of this sentence; I'm the same way with a lot of things.

And there went Justin off to his car.
But he had the courtesy to wave.
Try not to start a sentence with a conjuction.

I tossed the rock into the grass and started back towards the house with the newspaper under one arm, and the piece of paper in my other hand.
Begin a new paragraph here because you stopped talking about Justin and the MC (main character) has started to do something else.

I never would have seen it otherwise.
Awesome ending.

Overall comments:

I loved it and there was nothing big that stood out to me, other than these questions: Who is the main character? Is it a boy or a girl? Why do the neighbors seemed scared of each other? What's in the note? Why did the parents not get the mail, when they normally do? What's the main character's issue with the seasons? Does the man he/she met along the walk become a more important character or was he just a passerbyer? What about Justin? Does he play a bigger role?

Watch out for those conjuctions; more than half the time, you can just combine them with other sentences.

Since this is so short, maybe you should make it a prologue?

Anyway, great job, and PM me for anything at all. :)
-alwaysawriter



I don't do time.
— Liberty