Published April 1, 2005
My first 'Deep' Poem... keep the criticism to a minimum please
My Life is Malfunctioning
My life is malfunctioning
The world torn apart
Way too much hate
The breaking of hearts
I feel like a cemetery
All desolate and quiet
I feel like the tombstone
With flowers beside it
A flag in the wind
The edges are frayed
The pole is all rusty
The rope went astray
The block is engulfed
By a wave of flames
My life will be different
I won’t be the same
Going through the wreckage
Finding lost memories
Now this is the end
Of my lost story
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Canary word: Present
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
This statement leads me to believe that you would like to write some more serious things. Don't give up. Working at things when you have room for improvement means you're growing and growing is good (even when growing pains get uncomfortable.)
Don't give up. Stretch alittle.
Meh. (Quiet TBR)
This is my first real poem, it sucks, I know. I wasn't really trying to be deep, I just wanted a better opinion from the site rather than my english teacher (though I doubt he is very good at English)(Ask TBR about that)
I was struggling to find rhymes because I was bored (English class is a drag) and I wanted to find another poem to add to my sucky book. All the poems i've posted thus far were all incorporated into the book.
And, for once, i'm gonna listen to TBR. I'm going to go back into humorous poetry
I didn't really like this, sorry. But you shouldn't be asking us to keep our critism to a minimum. That makes me not want to read your poem.
The poem is not bad, it just needs work, perhaps it's 'deeper' then your other poems, but I think, and this is my opinion, that if you wish to write 'deeply' you need to dig deeper.
Good luck.
NickelPickle, you said, "First off, you can't really feel like a cemetary" .
Pardon me, but this is the poet's poem and if he/she feels like a cemetary, they feel like a cemetary. If you can't understand that, I think you may be missing something.
Just my opinion, don't mind me.
Honestly Alex, youa re much more better at writing humerous things. I am good at that too but sometimes I cam seriouis. You are enver serious and it will be sad not seeing you for a week due to spring break. Get your computer fixed so you don't ahve to be at schooal to log on because that sucks.
Sorry...pushed the wrong button...to continue:
I go through the wreckage
Seeking memories lost
Add two more lines. The last two of your poem were horrible, ineffective and you really needed to have a strong ending to tie your poem together. All in all, it was okay. I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. Remember, crit may sound harsh, but it is just to help. Also, I agree with niteowl. You should skip the rhyming for serious poems. Save it for the funny ones.
-Nicole
Many people here have read my rant on explanataions on poems. (I hate them btw) The whole thing about "please keep criticism to a minimum" or "take it easy please" annoys me possibly even more. This is a constructive board. You can't learn if everyone says, "It was okay, add some puncation" I am sorry, but you just CAN'T!!! It is not possible to move up in your writing if you can't accept help and use it. Anyway...I will crit this just like you are anyone else, feel free to trash it if it is too harsh...
You need to use punctuation. It makes it a lot easier to read.
I would say,
My life is malfunctioning;
My world is completly torn apart.
There is too much hate
Breaking many hearts.
Notice the punctuation and the rewording...
First off, you can't really feel like a cemetary. Maybe like you're in a cemetary....
I feel like I live in a cemetary,
My life is all desolate and dark.
I feel like the tombstone
With the flowers beside it.
Notice the corrections in the first two lines. I hated the last two lines of this stanza. They were boring, didn't make sense, etc.
I am a flag in the wind,
My edges are frayed,
My pole is all rusty,
The rope went astray.
Ugh..It was bad, I gotta tell you. It didn't really mean anything...
The block is engulfed? That line definitly wasn't my favorite. Here goes...
The block is engulfed (If you must leave it)
By a wave of flames
My will be different
Never again thee same.
The rhyming wasn't extremely forced but it still took away from the poem. Next time you try writing a "serious" or "deep" poem, try free verse. It helps becasue you're not focusing on whether the word rhymes but rather if it's appropriate for what you're trying to say. It was decent for a rhyming poem but it could have been so much better if you hadn't bothered making this a rhyming poem.
I also have something to say about your whole "keep the criticism to a minimum please." If you don't want criticism, don't bother posting it here or anywhere else. You should consider what your critics have to say. Constructive criticism, while it may sound bad at first, is one of the best ways to improve your writing. On the other hand, if all a review says is along the lines of "This poem is a hopeless pile of crap. Do us all a favor and never write poetry again, you [insert expletive here]" is upsetting and unhelpful. That's not constructive criticism; that's just stupidity. Of course, I've never seen anything like that on here.