"Please, I-" Whack! Tousled strands of bleached hair whirled around the girl's tear-soaked face as Hubert smashed her head back against the cool, stone gray wall of the underground parking garage. "Shut up!"
Whack! Whack! Her head hit the wall again and again, each time an even more sickening crunch echoed louder and louder around the two.
It was a pity they happened to be the only ones around to hear the delightful noise. Hubert noted this sadly in his mind, wondering just for a moment how another would react to the scene. Or really... How Emily would react.
Hugh finally stepped away, releasing the girl as he did so. She slid down the wall defeated, waiting for death to steal her away from this nightmare.
Hubert watched her land in a pitiful heap, those once so lively eyes now just barley open and already so distant. A long red smear of blood was left above, staining the wall with it's crimson hugh.
"You're so beautiful like that." Dropping to a single knee Hugh watched her silently. So much pain was held in those wondrous green eyes... For a moment he almost wished to just cut them out and keep them like a lost puppy. "No." The vocal reply to his inner thoughts almost startled him. Talking to himself was nothing new, he'd done it countless times before yet- it was so serene in this empty, soulless haven. His rough, husky voice just seemed... Insulting to the majesty of this kill spot.
"Mmn." The blond groaned from her place below him.
"Ah yes, I almost forgot." Hugh purred. Slowly he reached into a front pocket on his baggy jeans and slipped out an old switchblade.
"N-n-n-n-" Terror shone bright out of her wide, fern-green eyes. "N-n-n-"
A wide, toothy grin stretched painfully across Murphy's face revealing a mouth full of yellowing teeth. "Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a bi-"
Pit pat pit pat!
His mud brown eyes darted upwards suddenly to the thick stone ceiling. Flecks of chipped yellow paint clung to gray as they struggled to keep cemented down and hanging lamps flicked like a lightning bug, on and of. On and off.
The soft pitter-patter of feet was coming from the floor just above, footsteps moving towards the elevator. "
Looks like I'll be doing this fast." He breathed to himself and covered the girl's mouth with a massive clammy, hairy hand. Murphy waisted no time in his work. He was a pro by now, having killed a plethora of woman before this latest victim. Each cut and slice was made with a doctor's precision. Each stab made meaningful by his knowledge.
Finally, he stood and stepped away. The corpse was barley recognizable as human. So mutilated he doubted even family could recognize the girl who'd once lay in it's place.
The elevator doors slid open across the parking garage from him. Flicking his eyes to the right he could just make out a man, who upon sighting the mess, had made little time of keeling over to retch in horror.
If only this had been Emily, if only he'd had the courage enough to finally take her life.
"I hate my wife." He breathed and flicked his switchblade back open.
It looked like there would be two victims tonight.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
There is no problem with serial killers, if you like the idea- and have plans for your character- you shouldn't abandon it, I just stated that it's a bit old fashion.
Hope to see more stuff of yours soon.
Thank you, both of you
I joined this site to learn and prepare so your constructive critisimn was great. I wrote this on my iPod and the spell check was having problems with Hubert. I must have accidentally hit an extra letter and it changed the name x( and I know he isn't so interesting in this. I just ran out of time for the contest and submitted. Maybe I'll base a story around him? But again, thank you very much
I agree with SubjectBlue about the originality thing. Also, you spelled hue wrong. It should be huem but you said hugh.
It was good, you didn't hesitate with the violence of the scene, and described it despite the brutality.
two things however, maybe I lost you at some point, but I'm pretty sure that you have changed your character's name in the middle from Hubert to Murphey.
Also, even though the writing to itself was good- your character wasn't very fresh, or deep. Even though classics can be good, a psychopath who hates his wife is somehow just too plain.
but i mostly thought it was really good, and eventually, a character's depth and quality is a building thing, maybe he is a more interesting character then I think. All I'm saying is that I think you failed to supply a proper first impression.
I'm sorry if I was harsh or something, just trying to help.