The new moon rose and the night had chilled the air. All fell silent as the master spoke only one voice rose. It was a soft and humble voice, a voice of a child. One, who did not know better than to interrupt the master. With one swift movement the master was at the turning point and the child vanquished.
The shrill scream of a mother who had just seen her child silenced. The type of silencing you never wake to remember. Having only lived his short life the master had already gained control of the ember world of ashes. Where the deceased walk and the living don't exist. this mother had yet to find her words when her son immobilised let out a horrifying holler, begging for someone to make the burning stop. His skin had the rank of rotting flesh and his body slowly and harshly started to decay. For the mother who stood watching and pleading to the master to stop.
"He is just a boy. He will learn! Just let him go!!" her voice was three times higher than normal. " Please just let him be, master, please!" His eyes lowered and his voice rumbled the earth.
"None who speak when unspoken to live. None who disobey have a say in their punishment, and those who stand for the disobedient shall parish with them in mind." The masters eyes shot the son down. With even more sounding defeat the woman had no choice than to surrender to the master. Yet none ever will serve him, the master. None will live to.
Three years later the mother still lived but the same could not be said for her son. He had died at the age of four when he was considered out of place. It was three years to the dot, the anniversary of her son's death. It was a day of sadness a day of most perplexing silence, the kind you wish not to hear. The kind of quietness you would like for the people who have it to keep it to themselfs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start here. Even though its not exactly explicitly stated what just went down there, it looks like we just kicked things off by having some sort of master figure just do something to a child which definitely suggests we're dealing with some quite serious people here capable of some fairly high levels of cruelty, well let's see where this takes us.
Okay well I thought that was a bit of a quick and painless one but it seems we doth be having ourselves an especially powerful and slow method of death here and I well, it is quite clear no punches are being pulled whatsoever when painting the character of this particular person who is very clearly supposed to be someone on the wrong side of morality.
Well that went about as expected there. It certainly all comes together to form a very intriguing first chapter here that does make you wonder quite a bit where this could possibly be heading. This certainly has nice unique qualities shining through there right away and on the whole I'd say it makes for a pretty solid first chapter here, you convey the point quite nicely and setup this character of the mother fairly well especially considering this is one the shorter side here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, I wanted to say that I like the plot line, and the other things I was going to point out have already been said, so again be careful of your comma use, and keep writing.
Hello! *Waves* I am going to be your reviewer today.
First of all, I like the plot line, it seems very intriuging. However, this chapter is very rushed. It often feels like you're dumping information on us, without explaining to us the importance of that detail. Your flow is rather choppy, but all of this can be easily remedied. Just slow down and figure out what is important, why it is important, and then show your readers this information as plainly as possible.
Furthermore, before you post anything on YWS, you should do a quick spellcheck. This helps save us reviewers the hassle of pointing out every minor error and focus on the overall picture. And that is what you want as a writer, right? For us to focus on more important stuff than spelling and punctuation mistakes.
Finally, your ending was very rushed and although you were trying to convey the mother's emotions over the loss of her child, it doesn't quite connect. I want you to really explore how it might feel to lose a child, especially one at such a young age. If you have younger siblings, imagine how you would feel if they were to die and a painful death at that. I can imagine that if you free write for ten minutes on how this would make you feel, that you would be able to inject that same feeling into your story.
Keep writing! You have potential here. If you have any questions or would like help feel free to PM me.
This was very interesting! There was one thing the matter though. Your commas were generally misplaced -sorry I can'tpoint them out right now - watch your grammar more carefully. I'm not very good with grammar so I'm going to cut to the plot line. I liked it! In such a small amount of words you really managed to cram another world, and explain it well. This was nicely done, but beware of infodumps in the fututre! Please PM me when the rest is out.
Ofir