Out of sound
Into mind
Wandering thoughts
Float away.
Feeling as if I'm failing
When it will end
I will float into oblivion
Still wandering
Is it real?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there. I'm team jacob as well. Or, I would be, If I liked twilight at all.
Anyways,
I agree that repetition is not a plus, especially in such a small poem. I also felt like you kind of drifted in this line
I think you mean
Still wondering
Is it real?
Because going from wandering to real is just... mind-twizzlering, where you twist my mind into a cherry twizzler.
I also think this could be a first stanza into something that makes more sense.
Hope my pointless ramblings helped you, somehow.
keep writing,
Empress
Hi there, TeamJacob. I'm Conrad, and I will be your reviewer for today.
So, I'm trying to figure out just where this poem goes. This poem is really too short to let us get any good sense of it. For one, why is the speaker falling? What is giving he/she these feelings? You need to elaborate more on this, add to the length of the poem, so that we are able to get a good idea of everything surrounding it.
You've got a good base here. You just need to build off of it. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
So the first thing I noticed about this poem is that, after the first two lines, you kind of lost me. Your opening sort of half-grabbed my attention, but then it was lost with the rest. It's just not clear enough for me. There are, of course, times when you can be cryptic with your wording, but here, when your poem is so short, you have to really know your way around poetry to pull it off successfully. I'm left wondering what this poem is even about. What's the story behind it? What's the inspiration? There aren't very many obvious emotions here either that would help me figure it out. Next time, just focus on writing a little bit more, and then you'll have plenty of room to make sure the reader understands what you're trying to say.
Good luck!
Hello, TJ.
It's difficult to write very short poems like this, because then you will have to pay even more attention to making everything count. I'm finding it a little hard to review this properly, because it was so short I couldn't grasp it properly. I feel like the poem was running a few steps ahead of me and I failed to catch it. However, I can try giving you some suggestions for the future.
First of all, when you have a short poem, don't use repetition unless it is meant for an extremely strong effect. With short poems, you just can't afford using the same words. This happened in this poem a couple of times.
This poem consists of roughly 20 or 30 words. Out of that, three words are used twice, making it six out of 20, and this is too much in my opinion. (I've bolded the repeated words.) With the word "will", I'd usually give in, but in this case the two "will"s are so close to each other, it doesn't sound very good.
Although, I have to ask you, with the last "wandering", did you mean wander as in walk around aimlessly, or being unsure of something, in which case the word is misspelled and should be "wondering"? In short: did you mean wandering or wondering?
You might want to try expanding this poem after you've explored your vocabulary and played with it a little. Why use ordinary words when you can give a new life to something interesting? For example, red isn't half as descriptive as vermilion. Of course, using too strange synonyms too often is basically as bad as always sticking with the dull ones. But it's something that you could possibly look into.
I hope I could help, and please PM me with any questions. Welcome to YWS!
Demeter
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