Published June 17, 2013
Guardian Angel
Prologue
“…And from the sky, he descended, like a leaf from a tree; graceful, and full of peace. He spoke then, ‘Fear me not, for I am your faithful servant; your protective shield; your Guardian Angel.’…” He put the book down, kissed the boy on the forehead, and said, “Now go to sleep, that’s the third time I’ve read it to you today.”
The boy nodded, and replied, “Yes Grandpa…” He rose, and left the room, closing the door behind him. The boy closed his eyes, and drifted into the void of dreams.
***
Fletcher rose in his bed and looked over at his clock. 9:36. He moaned and pushed himself off the mattress, grabbing his shirt and putting it on. As he walked down-stairs, he heard his mother’s voice, saying, “Finally you woke up. I can’t believe you’re twenty. It seems like yesterday that I was holding you in my arms, singing you to sleep.” He walked over and hugged her. “Happy birthday, Fletcher.”
He walked into the kitchen and saw his grandfather and his sister, Maple, who was seventeen, and looked up to Fletcher. “Hi Grandpa.”
He smiled and said, “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for almost an hour.” Fletcher chuckled.
“You should have just yelled at me to wake up.”
His mother replied, “We tried to, but you just said ‘Ten more minutes…’ so every ten minutes, we tried again.” He chuckled again.
“So what’s the plan for today?” His mother motioned with her hand, toward the living room.
He walked in and saw six boxes, wrapped and displayed in an orderly fashion. “Are we starting with these?” She nodded and handed him the first box, which was small and square, about the size of his fist.
He slowly peeled off the tape holding the wrapping paper together, and Maple exclaimed, “Just rip it all off!” He laughed, and did just that. He opened the box inside, and found a silver eagle pin. His face lit up with joy, as he lifted the pin out of the box.
“Your father’s pin. It’s yours now.” He smiled, and thanked her. She handed him the next box, which was flatter and more rectangular. He peeled off the wrapping paper, and opened the box, to find some clothes. He thanked his sister for the gift, knowing it was from her, by the mark on the bottom of the box. She nodded and gave him the next one. He took it and unwrapped it, and opened the box, only to find another wrapped box, slightly smaller. He repeated the process, and found yet another box. Doing the same once more, he opened the next box, and found a note on the bottom of the box, saying:
You’re welcome for the air,
Maple
Laughing he threw the box at Maple, which she threw back, also laughing. The next box was just filled with a variety of small, colorful and sugar-filled candies. His mother gave him another box, which he opened to find some books. They appeared to be new. Their spines weren’t yet decomposed from age. The pages were crisp and white. His grandfather gave him the very last box in the pile. As he peeled the paper aside, he saw the title of a book. ‘Guardian Angel’ He smiled saying, “I haven’t read this in twelve years.”
His grandfather chuckled, and said, “You’ve never read that book. I always read it to you.”
Later that day, Fletcher was on his way to a friend’s house. Along the way, there was a convenience store. As he was passing by, he noticed a masked man in the store, pointing a gun at the cashier. The young and helpless cashier’s face was one stricken with fear and panic. Fletcher panicked for a second, not sure what to do. Hesitantly, he took out his cell phone, and with vigorously shaking hands, he tried dialing 911. His first attempt failed; the result being a jumble of numbers. His second attempt was a little more successful, and he managed to dial it right. Just as he put the phone up to his ear, the masked man turned and saw him. Eyes glaring, the man pointed the gun at Fletcher.
He ran to the side, and into an alley, his face mirroring the cashier’s. In the alley, dumpsters and trash cans, lined the walls, garbage all over the walls and ground. Coughing, he ran down the alley, panting heavily. He turned his head, and looked back, sweat beading down his face. His dread worsened when he saw the man walking down the alley, snarling and swinging his arms, and constantly re-gripping his gun. He yelled something, but it was muffled by the sweat covering Fletcher’s ears, and his heavy breathing. As he turned back to the direction he was running in, he faced something that he thought for sure would be the thing that really killed him; a wall. A twenty-foot brick wall. He turned around and stared at the man.
Trembling, he said, “Please...I was just passing by...”
The man rose his gun to eye level, and just as he was about to pull the trigger, an orb of light appeared between the two. It grew in size, until it was about as wide as Fletcher himself, and then, as if the sun had sent an ambassador, it flashed with an immense light, making Fletcher fall to the ground.Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi there!
So glad that I finally got around to this. This is a really good prologue. I was drawn in from the beginning and couldn't stop reading. Very nice. Alright, onto the review!
First off, there shouldn't be a comma after the word rose. The only time commas are needed in front of the word and is when you're listing things. For example, if I say that I went to the store and bought apples, bananas, and lettuce, then I would need a comma before and. But there isn't any other time(that I know of) when you'd need a comma before the word and. You definitely don't need one here. And keep that in mind for your future writings.
Second, the way you wrote this makes it sound like the boy walked out of the room, not the grandpa. You should clarify this and say something like, "The boy's grandfather rose and left the room, closing the door behind him." Now it's clear who is making their way out of the room.
So with this eagle pin, you need to clarify it a bit. What is it about this pin that makes it so special? Not very many twenty year olds are forever grateful for a silver pin for their birthday. There must be something that makes it special. You have mention that it was once his fathers, but that isn't very specific. Is his father dead? Always away on business trips and never around the family? Did his parents get divorced and he misses his father? Make sure that you give some background about his father.
The scene with the masked man and the gun is a little melodramatic. I would expect it to be more dramatic. Imagine if you were walking along the road and came across an attempted burglary. How would you react? You did a good job with the calling 911 scene, but the scene before that about seeing the masked man should be a little more dramatic. Maybe talk about how he was walking along and bent over to pick up something he dropped. Then there was a prickling feeling on the back of his neck and he had a strange feeling that something bad was happening. Talk about how his heart was beating so fast and hard that he was scared that it would burst right out of his chest. Add some emotions and drama and this scene will be 100% better. I guarantee it.
You did a good job with describing the alleyway scene. I saw a lot of emotion and description. Good job!
Overall this is a good start. There are a few things you could correct, mainly the adding emotion and description thing, but other than that I can't find much wrong with this. I would like to know more about Fletcher though. I feel like you've just scratched the surface. But then again, this is only just the prologue so you have plenty of time to develop your character.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me. I can explain in detail anything I've said in this review if you need me to. Thanks for sharing, this is a good story so far!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
hey

I loved this idea, it drew me in at the beginning with the event of something out of the ordinary and then it made me want to read on when you changed it to the ordinary events of everyday life. It made me want to read more to find out more about it. I would maybe think about dragging it out a bit more before the event of the man with the gun but that is just my opinion. Other than that, the only other things I would comment on were in the other reveiw and I do not want to bore you with repeated advice.
Keep writing this, I would like to read more
Also, I love the title. I love reading about angels.
Well prepare for the huge twist in chapter one.
I want to know the twist!! XD
Hi Tazzaar! You've got a really cool story idea here. I like how you started with him as a young boy going to bed, then began the rest of the story with him waking up on his 20th birthday.


Your grammatical errors are minor; the only things I am having trouble with are for example in this :'The boy nodded, and replied, “Yes Grandpa…” He rose, and left the room, closing the door behind him. The boy closed his eyes, and drifted into the void of dreams.'
He rose, left the room, closed the door and fell asleep. I feel like you should say something about him going to bed, or else it sounds like he fell asleep right behind the door.
Also a thing I have trouble with that might just be my lack of ability to follow things is when you don't specify who is speaking, although I can guess like here: 'He walked into the kitchen and saw his grandfather and his sister, Maple, who was seventeen, and looked up to Fletcher. “Hi Grandpa.”'
The problem is, directly before the dialogue you have Maple doing the action of 'looked up'. Generally whoever does the action does the talking, but I think you mean Fletcher here. Same with a little before: 'He walked over and hugged her. “Happy birthday, Fletcher.”' He does the action, she does the talking. It's probably fine, just something I thought I'd point out anyways.
Skipping a bunch of pro paragraphs to the bottom, you start a paragraph with this sentence: 'The man rose his gun to eye level, and just as he was about to pull the trigger, an orb of light appeared between the two.'
'The man rose' implies he himself rose; I think you should use the verb 'raised' instead. Also I think you should add an 'of them' at the end after the 'two'.
Well, that's all I can find! It sounds like a great idea I hope you keep writing and look forward to reading more.
Thanks, I'll take in all the advice I can get, because I haven't done a whole lot of writing in a while.