Published October 16, 2006
Here's the start of one of my stories. More to come.
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The hallway was silent. Come to think of it the whole house was silent. And this startled Caroline who had been expecting the familiar sound of the TV blaring and her father’s raucous laughter. Along with the sight of him, beer in hand as he slowly got himself drunk. Most people in her situation would assume that he was just a sleep hence the quiet. But not Caroline, she new that the TV was still blaring when her father was asleep. As her father seemed to always knock himself out with the alcohol. She couldn’t remember the last time he slept anywhere other then that taped up, smelly, old couch.
Caroline came to the end of the hall. And froze her feet would not move even though her mind was telling them to. But her heart for some reason was overruling her mind. Deep down she new that behind that door was something she didn’t want to face. Something that maybe would change how she saw life for ever.
She slowly extended her hand towards the knob grasping it she turned it. The door swung open as she pushed it, her whole body shacking. What she saw did in fact change her life for ever. The sight of her father sprawled on the floor a knife embedded in his beer belly. The TV amongst other things was broken evident of a struggle. She ran to his side. “Dad, DAD” she wailed checking his pulse the years of scouts training kicking in. But there wasn’t even the faintest sign of a pulse. Caroline grabbed her hair in anguish before rising to her feet and calling triple o.
“Where sorry kido there was nothing you could do well be investigating it I’m afraid we must ask you a few questions is that ok?”
Caroline nodded.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well that's a pretty dangerous situation to start off with here. It seems normal enough but there are some crystal clear signs that we've got a father here who doesn't really seem to be the greatest at being a father and is just passed out drunk on the couch there instead of doing much else. Well, certainly a start that gets your attention here.
Hmm, well this is some intriguing drama to insert there. With the idea of the fact that this drunk pattern is broken with the lack of sound combining with how this Caroline is afraid to go into check makes for an interesting contrast. Because on count you think that maybe for a change this father is going to actually change, but also that can't be a reason for Caroline to be this terrified.
Well that was a both a lot less terrifying than I thought it could but but also more terrifying than I thought it could be. Well it seems we don't really get to go on about this person being a terrible father for much longer because it looks like we've got a bit of a murder on our hands for some reason and well that opens up a whole different avenue. I think the transition there to the police is a tad quick though. I feel like you need to show a little more from this child here, if they are young enough to be called kiddo there by the detective, they are probably young enough that they wouldn't just immediately have the strength to call the police without some time to process and realize what's going on. The training detail there is good, that at least suggest the calling for the police is someething she'd know to do, but still it a child that's lost a father, I don't think that's nearly enough emotion there to end on. Other than that, this is a solid start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Definitely just do a read through of this--most importantly, read it aloud. To a wall, to your cat, something. What can you gain by this? Well, if you listen carefully to your voice, you should hear yourself pause as you read. An alarm should go off! This is where you put a comma!
Another thing: even though Microsoft Word is not always accurate and is almost always terribly annoying, copy and paste this into there. There will be a lot of read lines, and when you run spell check, it will probably tell you that these sentences are fragments. Take a look at those fragments, and make them into real sentences! Some examples:
Fragment!
Another one!
Obviously, fragments and grammar aren't the most important things, though. The story is the most important. If this is the beginning of something you're working on--a novel, a story--you want to hook the reader right away, and make sure they get attached to your characters. If the reader isn't attached to your characters, they won't care what happens in the story, and therefore lose interest. Show us why we should care about Caroline, and on the flip side, why we should care about her father. So far, you only portray him as a bad guy. But he's human too! Give him some good qualities.
If you've got any questions, PM me.
I think it was great, but it would be a lot better in my opinion if we knew why Caroline's dad killed himself then, or at all. It might make more sense if you described him as a drug addict rather than a drunk, so we are more aware of his dire situation. I can't wait for the next instalment!
Title: The Sight That Caroline Sees (No apostrophy in sees, everything should be capitalized.)
“Where sorry kido there was nothing you could do well be investigating it I’m afraid we must ask you a few questions is that ok?”
I think this sentence should be:
"We're sorry, Kiddo, there was nothing you could do. We'll be investigating it. I'm afraid we must ask you a few more questions. Is that ok?"
Apart from that, great work! I'm looking forward to the next instalment, if there's going to be one. If not, I think it works fine on its own, as well. Cool detail.
Thanks guys much appreciated.
she would pull at her hair (tearing at her hair) when someone is stressed they would... I think it works.
Although the punctuation is lacking later on!
keep it up...i want to see more!
this is pretty funny...lol. why not 'her feet froze and wouldn't move, even though her mind was telling them to.' if she froze her feet, its weird and you began with 'and' (which isn't completely illegal) when you could have continued with the first sentence.
Remove 'but'
Does she really know that?
grasping, she turned it? Your sentences either seem to be too short with incomplete ideas or long and missing some words.
and as a side note, why would she grab her hair? lol.
you sort of forgot about commas and sentence towards the end....The only major problems I notice was the great, huge foreshadowing (not to say its bad, but leave us some room to guess, hm? I could tell he was dead from the 3rd sentence) and that your Narrative voice (Carolin did blah blah) and your descriptive voice (the house was blah blah) change when you're writing. Try to keep consistent, your description voice is funny, playful. but The Narrative voice comes off as professional and tight. it really cut off flow.