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Young Writers Society



Snake

by Tazy


Snake turned to Nick speaking with a hiss “not getting nervous are we?”

“No of course not” lied Nick his hands and forehead were sopping with sweat.

“Good; cause if you stuff up you’re a dead man” Nick gulpt and loosened his collar.

“Oh” he managed to say. Both pulled balaclavas over their faces before Snake entered the seven eleven brandishing his gun.

“Empty the till” yelled Snake at the shocked, balding man behind the counter. “Put it in here.” He hissed chucking the man a sack. But the man though he looked terrified refused instead choosing to chuck it back to Snake and throw his arms in the air as though surrendering. Snake didn’t hesitate he fired and lent over the counter and proceeded to fill the sack.

Nick heard the shot and watched as the innocent civilian fell to the shops floor he wished he could save him but if he tried he to would be dead. ‘I agreed be part of the hold up the murder wasn’t part of the agreement’ he thought his whole body paralysed and he felt as though he where going to be sick. Snake bolted back to the car and for a split second Nick nearly locked the doors and drove off to leave him their but he needed that money and he needed it now. Snake slithered in “Next time it’s your turn I’ll be the driver.” Nick winced ‘can things get any worse’ he thought as he speed off down the road.

Nick tossed and turned in his bed unable to sleep ‘how could I do that?’ he thought very distressed. ‘How could I get so desperate? Even for her it wasn’t worth it I love her but I’m no use to her if I’m thrown into jail.’ Nick got out of bed to get a drink when the phone rang on the cradle next to him. Picking it up he heard the voice the only voice that made his skin crawl. “Right Nick meet me on the corner of Hampton and Rye Street in half an hour there well head to our target. It’s your turn don’t screw up or I will as you know kill you. I’m not going to prison because of a weakling like you got it?’ and with that the phone was slammed back onto the receiver. ‘How did I get myself into all this mess?’ thought Nick placing his forehead on his palms.

Nick yanked the car door open in frustration. He toyed with the idea of slamming it closed again and heading back to bed and standing Snake up. But then and image of his head at the end of a gun barrel with snake holding it pulled him to his senses and he clambed into the car.

“You took your time” snapped Snake viciously looking at his watch.

“Yeah sorry not used to being up this hour” replied Nick.

“Well get used to it cause it’s gonna happen a lot” he hissed pointing a twig like finger at Nick.

“Ok” sighed Nick “Where we off to” he said not really wanting to think about it but wanting it to be over and done with.

“The servo down on Parkville drive” stated Snake.

Nick swallowed hard. The Parkville servo was owned by his next door neighbours of eleven years. He couldn’t do it not to them he owed so much to them yet if he didn’t he would be dead and god only new what would happen to Chelsea if Snake found out about her.

He had another image flout across his mind of a small blonde haired girl with glistening blue eyes running towards him. Nick smiled inside ‘my precious little girl’ he thought as she got closer though she suddenly fell in a shower of bullets. Nick screamed there was blood everywhere. He felt a gun barrel on his head this snapped him back to reality Snake had heard the scream and got suss.

“What’s going on you big baby you back out you know you’re a dead man so I wouldn’t consider it if I was you.”

“I’m in Snake I’m not backing out” ‘I’m better in jail then dead’ he thought climbing into the passenger side of their get away vehicle.

“Right, ready”

‘No” thought Nick but he new better than to give such a response out loud in Snakes presence so instead he lied “yes” he said pulling down the balaclava “I’m ready”

“Good now go”

Nick opened the car door making a run for the servo entrance if things went well he would be in and out with no hassles. He’d have to put on a voice. Ted was on the counter at this time of the night better Ted than Julie he’d cope better thought Nick.

“Hand over the money” he yelled in a high pitched almost female like voice pulling out his gun, his face was perspiring under the balaclava and his hands were so sweaty he could barely hold the darn thing. Thankfully Ted was wise and did as he was told. Within seconds he was out and into the get away car that fortunately had fake number plates as Ted had managed to get the registration in seconds due to his photographic memory.

Nick new his luck was running out any day now he would be caught. He’d back out now if he could but death didn’t really seem appealing. And he needed the money for Chelsea’s education now that her mother had gone into debt. He wanted her to live with him but he also didn’t want her to be stripped from her mother who though she was foolish for getting her self in the situation she was in had Chelsea’s best interests at heart so he’d have to pay for her education. He wanted what every good father wanted the best for his sweet little girl.


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User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 8

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Thu Nov 03, 2005 4:18 pm
Soham wrote a review...



Great job. The story was quite good specially the concluding paragraph and the revelation of the relation between Nick and Chelsea. Initially I was convinced that Chelsea was Nick’s lover but great element of surprise at the end.
The theme was well chosen and penned down with care. The thoughts going on inside Nick’s mind was finely described and were quite paternal too.

I do feel that you need to work on your punctuation skills and try to put in a bit of details next time. Do not limit yourself to only visual description try including smell, sound etc.

There were a few typographical errors which I would like to point out.
(i) Nick gulpt and loosened his collar. I think it will be gulped
(ii) Nick new his luck was running out. That will be knew
(iii) civilian fell to the shops floor . It is supposed to be shop’s
(iv) save him but if he tried he to would be dead. That will make more sense if it is too
(v) fired and lent over the counter and . It will be leant
(vi) thought Nick but he new better than to give. Same thing it will be knew

you might consider punctuating the following areas :
(i) “Right Nick meet me on the corner of Hampton and Rye Street in half an hour there we’ll head to our target. It’s your turn don’t screw up or I will as you know kill you. I’m not going to prison because of a weakling like you got it?’

(ii) Snake didn’t hesitate he fired and leant over the counter and proceeded to fill the sack.

I enjoyed reading your story. Looking forward for more.




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173 Reviews


Points: 1090
Reviews: 173

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Wed Nov 02, 2005 4:16 am
J. Haux wrote a review...



Very interesting...I'll have to see more of it. :D

Tsk tsk-You have some editing to do. :wink: Be especially careful of comma splices and runons. They can be tricky to find. A comma splice is two sentences stuck together with a comma instead of a period. A runon is just two sentences that run together--they don't have to be long. And of course, spelling, but you can work that out.

The inner dialogue kind of bugs me, because of punctuation. You still need it! Say...

Nick smiled inside ‘my precious little girl’ he thought as she got closer though she suddenly fell in a shower of bullets. Nick screamed there was blood everywhere.
Looky: Nick smiled inside. (PERIOD) 'My precious little girl,' he thought as she got closer. (Then I would probably make this another sentence or replace though with 'but') She suddenly fell in a shower of bullets. (And the next sentence was an example of a runon) Nick screamed. There was blood everywhere. Or...Nick screamed; there was blood everywhere.

And I just reread that. Now I'm a little confused. Was that all in his head? All of it?

Snake slithered in “Next time it’s your turn I’ll be the driver.”
Hm? Is slithered in describing how he's talking, or how he entered the car? And can you describe what's snakelike about him other than his hissing language? I feel like I'm looking at the surface of both characters.

I think Snake is an interesting character...could you give him some more form?

My advice is to clear up some grammatical things first. It'll be easier to concentrate on the storyline and character developement. :D I'm still a little unclear about Nick's situation. You could try playing with other ways to show us that. It's his daughter. He still talks with her? etc...

I...hope I helped some.

I'm looking forward to reading more. I really am. :D You've got good ideas, an interesting story so far. Yay!

~Jacquie~




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42 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 42

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Wed Nov 02, 2005 2:53 am
Hope wrote a review...



First off I think you could add more of an entrance.

Tazy wrote:“Good; cause if you stuff up you’re a dead man” Nick gulpt and loosened his collar.

Try gulped instead of gulpt.

Tazy wrote:Nick heard the shot and watched as the innocent civilian fell to the shops floor he wished he could save him but if he tried he to would be dead.

I would add a period between floor and he if I were you.

Tazy wrote:‘I agreed be part of the hold up the murder wasn’t part of the agreement’ he thought his whole body paralysed and he felt as though he where going to be sick. Snake bolted back to the car and for a split second Nick nearly locked the doors and drove off to leave him their but he needed that money and he needed it now. Snake slithered in “Next time it’s your turn I’ll be the driver.” Nick winced ‘can things get any worse’ he thought as he speed off down the road.

I don't know if you meant the charector to talk to him self like that but if not you should add a to between agreed and be. It's sped not speed.

Tazy wrote: “Right Nick meet me on the corner of Hampton and Rye Street in half an hour there well head to our target. It’s your turn don’t screw up or I will as you know kill you. I’m not going to prison because of a weakling like you got it?’

It's we'll instead of well. You could use a period between hour and there. Add a quotation mark after it.

Tazy wrote: But then and image of his head at the end of a gun barrel with snake holding it pulled him to his senses and he clambed into the car.

Climbed.

Tazy wrote:Nick swallowed hard. The Parkville servo was owned by his next door neighbours of eleven years. He couldn’t do it not to them he owed so much to them yet if he didn’t he would be dead and god only new what would happen to Chelsea if Snake found out about her.

Add a period between He couldn't do it not to them and He owed...

Great, it's really great. I like it and hope you post more. I hope I helped.





I do all of the training for Walgreen’s cashiers.
— The Devil