Published November 14, 2005
*I wrote this when I was eleven in italy it's one of my only decent poems from that time. Just wondered what you thought. I've put it up as i think it is relevat to today with soldiers being killed in wars or disputes or whatever you want to call the they shoudnt be a part of *
Out comes my father dresssed in grey.
Waves good bye and drives away.
Thoughts run wild is he dead.
These thoughts keep coming,
till the day he arrives.
Crys and cheers come from the crowd.
Cuddles and kisses also come round.
Some men who survived had cuts and bruses.
While my father had lost a lim.
He smiles a great grin.
As we push through the crowd.
All we can say is where glad he's alive.
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The rhyming needs more work but overall your poem was good. Needs more imagery though.
There were some spelling errors and the rhyme was a bit weird, but it was simple in a way that made you like it. Basically whatever Boni_Bee already said.
Out comes my father dresssed in grey.
Waves good bye and drives away. I think 'he waves goodbye' would be better
Thoughts run wild is he . Need a , after 'wild'
These thoughts keep coming, You have been rhyming every second line, and here you suddenly stop rhyming... It sort of broke it up too much
till the day he arrives.
Crys and cheers come from the crowd.
Cuddles and kisses also come round. And there was no rhyming on these lines either
Some men who survived had cuts and bruses. its 'bruises'
While my father had lost a lim. 'limb'
He smiles a great grin.
As we push through the crowd.
All we can say is where glad he's alive. Nice!
I liked this. It was very simple and to the point. It was a bit rushed, and it jumped around alot (in timing), so it needs a bit more work....I think it could have a bit more emotion though, especially about the losing a limb line, but apart from that, and a couple of spelling errors, it was very nice