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Young Writers Society



Julia

by Tazy


Julia sat in tears so desperate to be able to think and focus. But it was no use. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t focus on her work. She couldn’t remember a dam thing. Tears turned to anger and frustration she couldn’t take it anymore. So she leapt to her feet, picked up her books and stormed out of the room. Dropping her test paper into the bin as she did so the classes eyes upon her.

“How was school today” asked her mother as she closed the door behind her. “Fine” lied Julia before adding. “I stormed out of class today I couldn’t hack it please don’t tell dad.” She wept before retiring to her room before her mother could say a word. She had only told her mother as no dought the school would have eventually told her anyway maybe this way her father might not find out.

Tea came and so did the fight about the day’s event.

“So your mother tells me that you just upt and left class. No reason how could you be so stupid you stupid girl? Snarled her father.

“I couldn’t take it” wined Julia

“Nonsense your just lazy girl.”

“I’m not lazy” said Julia her voice slightly loader and shaky. “I just can’t focus at the moment.”

“Bull you’ve always been a lazy brute amend always will be all this lack of focus crap is just that crap” yelled her father through a mouthful of food he managed to splatter some across the table cloth. Her mother looked at him discusted and continued to eat not saying a word or making eye contact with either of them. These last words from her father and the anger she felt towards her mother for just sitting their caused anger to rise within her anger that she had no control over anger that was like none she had felt before. She reached for her full plate and out of sheer rage hurled it at her fathers face. It shattered embedding it into his skin blood was everywhere.

Julia and her mother sat in the emergency department waiting. She hated hospitals there was always an odder to them and they made her fell sick. That’s because of all the times she had wound up in them because of being at the hands of her father. Of course no one new that. She always had another explanation. It felt weird being their as a visitor rather than a patient. She felt guilty for feeling no guilt as her father deserved what he got in her mind.

Julia’s father sat on the edge of his bed while the nurses removed the shards of china that were embedded deep within the skin of his rapidly aging face. He cringed each time the tweezers went in for the pick. Thoughts of how to pay Julia back the only thing to stop him screaming. “You’ll have scars for the rest of your life I’m afraid” said the short plump women that stood before him “But the debris missed the eyes that’s the main thing.”

“Right” he grunted not making eye contact with her “When you’re done could you call the cops I want to make an assault complaint.” The nurse left the room pulling the curtain behind her.

“Assault” reeled Julia getting to her feet “that basted deserved it after what he’s done to me over the years” “I’m afraid we must follow through with it as it is his wish.”

“He pushed me down the stairs causing me thankfully to only brake my leg and not my neck, he through me against a wall clobed me across the head with a stick and you’re charging me with assault.”

“We have to he’s requested it”

“Well I’ll request it to”

“Shut up” screeched her mother beside her “I will not have you charge your father”

“You don’t even care do you?” said Julia coming in for the kill “You don’t even care that your own daughter has been abused by your husband for the past only god knows how many painful years. I’ve suffered in silence too long mum and now the time has come for it to come out. If you don’t like it than too bad. You’ve never loved me have you like you love dad? I’ve never been good enough for you. He deserves what’s coming to him the bastard”

“Don’t call your father that, respectable men aren’t bastards”

“Respectable he hits me and you call that respectable”

“Your lying he never hit you, you fell down those stairs you were never pushed against the wall and a kid at school clobbed you with the stick you said so yourself.”

“Only because I was too scared of dad”

“You’re a liar Julia Wilson you always have been I want nothing to do with you I don’t even want you”

“gee it’s about time you said it I bet you’ve been waiting for years to say that well I don’t want you either I never have and never will.” Julia made to bolt but changed her mind turning around she raised her top slightly to reveal a black bruise her mother didn’t even look shocked

“you new didn’t you? you bitch” she slapped her across the face and continued “You let your own daughter be abused and then pretend it doesn’t happen and call her a liar you sick, sick pathetic lump of human being.”

“Don’t you dare call me those horrible things we put food on the table and a roof over your head you should show us some respect”

“Food on the table yes with a desert of a punch or two. You know what you and dad are made for each other I’m too good for you your both equally as evil and pathetic.” And with that said she stormed off in the direction of the street the police at her heels

“We still have to in investigate the allegations made by you and your father. Well get you foster care today until we clear this whole mess up” said the policeman gently as he loosely held her arm to stop her from running.

“Ok” said Julia before collapsing onto the floor in a fit of uncontrollable tears the kind policemen’s arm still holding her only not to stop her but to comport her.

“Why are you comforting her?”

“Cause she’s a victim too and it’s your husbands fault.”

“Hello and welcome dear” stated Mrs. Campbell extending her lean bony figures for Julia to take. Tacking them Julia said “Thank you I really appreciate it sorry for the inconvenience.”

“No inconvenience we do this often it’s a privilege for us to have you” she replied in a sweet, light almost air like voice. Julia smiled like she had never smiled before. This felt like a home should be, thought Julia no yelling and fighting and hitting just peace for the majority of the time anyway. The house was beautifully decorated in a Tuscan theme it inspired her to dream of going to Italy one day to see how different being their felt to here.

“I’ll introduce you to the rest of the family when they get back from the football.”

“Cool that would be great”

“There here” called Mrs. Campbell from the bottom of the stairs to Julia who was busy unpacking her belongings in her enormous room.

“Coming” she said as she headed down the stairs.

Two identical faces gleamed up at her causing Julia to feel a little overwhelmed.

“This is Glenn and Graham. You have to watch them though they like playing jokes on new people being twins and all, sometimes even we can’t tell them apart. They won’t be annoyed if you understandably call them the wrong name.”

“Oh ok hi” said Julia nervously to the ten year olds before her.”

“This is David” Mrs. Campbell said excitedly “and he’s glad to meet you”

“Hello David”

“Nice to meet you Julia I hope you feel at home cause you should.”

“Thanks” replied Julia admiring the happy family before her, her heart feeling full of joy.

Julia sat at her desk doing her algebra when she heard a small voice from behind her in the doorway.

“Why are you not with your mum and dad?” he asked pryingly. Julia was taken aback but she strangely enough answered it. Cause he hurt me real bad and mum didn’t even care despite knowing.” And with that said she burst into another bout of uncontrollable crying her tears ruining the work that lay on the desk before her. Glenn came into the room put a hand on her shoulder and waited till her crying ceased. “Thanks” stated Julia unable to be sure which twin she was thanking something Glenn picked up on “Glenn I’m Glenn the outward going one as mum calls me.”

“Thanks Glenn” said Julia and with that said Glenn casually left the room were Julia burst into tears of joy because someone cared.

“Morning Julia how did you sleep?” asked Mrs. Campbell

“Fine Thanks Mrs. Campbell the best I’ve ever slept infact.”

“Please dear call me Margaret”

“Ok” replied Julia as she took her seat poured her cereal and got ready for school.

“That’s great Julia” said Hannah excitedly and giving Julia a hug she added “Who knows if things go well they may even adopt you”

“Yeh” said Julia “That would be grouse”

“I’m so happy for you, though it should have happened earlier. I’m so proud of you for being able to confess up to someone other than me, someone that can truly do something about it other than comfort you which was all I can do.”

“Yeh to be honest it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I was that angry it felt as though someone else was saying it. I just hope I don’t get charged.”

“surely they can’t charge you I mean he assaulted you for years he’s the one who should be charged not you”

“yeh well the law isn’t always fair Hannah if it was innocent people wouldn’t be imprisoned or convicted. it sucks that someone who commits a crime can charge someone else when they have committed a similar or even worse crime themselves.”

“Your right there but it’ll work out surely they wont charge you”

“Hannah I cut a mans face. In the eye of the law that’s a criminal offence. I most probably will be charged. But at least it was worth it seeing the look of pain on that ugly face of his. That image will never leave and more will the satisfaction that he now has scars like me something he deserved. He’ll have to explain it for the rest of his life”


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56 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 56

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Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:01 am
Snip Snip wrote a review...



Tazy wrote:Julia sat in tears so desperate to be able to think and focus. But it was no use. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t focus on her work. She couldn’t remember a dam thing. Tears turned to anger and frustration she couldn’t take it anymore. So she leapt to her feet, picked up her books and stormed out of the room. Dropping her test paper into the bin as she did so the classes eyes upon her.

So should be replaced by a comma. Tried should have a comma afterwards. Dam is spelled damn. Frustration sjould have a period with a captial on she, or you could have a collen after frustration. Books needs a comma. If you don't want a run-on sentence, dropping should be dropped, with a she in front of it. and a period after so. Add with in front of the.

Tazy wrote:“How was school today” asked her mother as she closed the door behind her. “Fine” lied Julia before adding. “I stormed out of class today I couldn’t hack it please don’t tell dad.” She wept before retiring to her room before her mother could say a word. She had only told her mother as no dought the school would have eventually told her anyway maybe this way her father might not find out.

Today needs a question mark. Fine needs a comma. Adding needs a comma instead of a period. Today needs three periods, a comma, or a period. What the heck does hack mean? You might want to change it. It needs a period. Please needs capitalization. Dought is spelled doubt. Anyway needs a period. Maybe needs to be capital and with a comma. Way needs a comma.

I have to get off, so I can't edit anymore. Mainly it's just periods, commas, and captialization errors. Good job!




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447 Reviews


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Wed Nov 16, 2005 5:43 am
Duskglimmer wrote a review...



This could be greatly improved by just fixing the spelling and grammar mistakes and by adding in the missing puncuation.

Besides that, the emotions of the piece seem like they're forced out. I get the feeling you were intending to make the story move along quickly by saying things like "Julia burst into tears", but what it ended up doing was making Julia seem a little manic depressive. For instance:
“Fine” lied Julia before adding. “I stormed out of class today I couldn’t hack it please don’t tell dad.”
It makes no sense for Julia to that quickly turn around and tell her mother what happened after she made the effort to lie to her in the first place.

Also, alot of the dialogue seemed forced, like you were trying to make sure everything got said, but didn't really think about what a character would or would not say.

And in the final section between Julia and Hannah (I agree with emotion_less, Hannah needs an introduction), a transition would be nice. As it is, things go straight from talking with Mrs. Campbell to talking with Julia and it gets the reader a little lost for a few seconds.

I really don't have anything else to comment on besides that. Let me know if you want someone to go through and show you the specific places where the puncuation needs to be added and such.




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Points: 1078
Reviews: 333

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Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:09 pm
emotion_less wrote a review...



There are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors in the story, making it incredibly hard to read and follow the plot. Here are some examples:

Tears turned to anger and frustration she couldn’t take it anymore.
Tears turned to anger and frustration. She couldn't take it anymore.
Watch out for run-ons. You have a lot of those.

Your paragraph:“How was school today” asked her mother as she closed the door behind her. “Fine” lied Julia before adding. “I stormed out of class today I couldn’t hack it please don’t tell dad.” She wept before retiring to her room before her mother could say a word. She had only told her mother as no dought the school would have eventually told her anyway maybe this way her father might not find out.

"How was school today?" asked her mother as she closed the door behind her. You should probably clarify 'her' with 'Julia'.
"Fine," lied Julia before adding, "I stormed out of class today. I couldn't hack it. Please don't tell Dad." Kind of flat dialogue here. Consider using different punctuactions and less short sentences. Julia telling her mother right out that she 'stormed out of class' is sort of awkward, since it just doesn't seem like something you would blurt out. It seemed like there should be more prolonging before she tells her mother.
She wept before retiring to her room before her mother could say a word. Rough wording here. Switch around the sentences and take out some words. Using 'before' twice is being too repetitive. Also, lacked description. Say more than just 'she wept.'
She had only told her mother as, no doubt, the school would have eventually told her [mother], anyway.
Maybe this way, her father might not find out.

There's more, but I think you know what I'm talking about.

Also, the dialogue. You depend on the dialogue a lot in the story, but a lot of emotion and plot is lost because it is so hard to follow.

“You don’t even care do you?” said Julia coming in for the kill “You don’t even care that your own daughter has been abused by your husband for the past only god knows how many painful years. I’ve suffered in silence too long mum and now the time has come for it to come out. If you don’t like it than too bad. You’ve never loved me have you like you love dad? I’ve never been good enough for you. He deserves what’s coming to him the bastard”
This is a very emotional part of the story, but you can't really tell because it's all put into a few sentences.

“That’s great Julia” said Hannah excitedly and giving Julia a hug she added “Who knows if things go well they may even adopt you”
Obviously, Hannah is Julia's friend. However, there isn't even an introduction for her. It seemed really sudden and random. Is Hannah Julia's friend from before, or someone she meets afterward?

I think you should work on this story. Some parts didn't seem very real; maybe you should do some research of foster care. [Or maybe that's just me being ignorant of foster care... The story didn't seem realistic to me, though.] Other parts were either too clumped or lacked description and explanation. I didn't really like it, mainly because it was so hard to read.





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