This sounds more like part of a poem. Maybe you should try to expand on it a little. I agree that the second line is too long. Perhaps some puncuation would help too.
I look into the shadowy depths of your mind
I know I must have you for your soul is entwined with mine
We belong together you and I
For fate has bound us together
A bond that cannot be broken
No matter how hard you try
It is a bond of love and peace
A bond that will last eternity
This sounds more like part of a poem. Maybe you should try to expand on it a little. I agree that the second line is too long. Perhaps some puncuation would help too.
the second line is too long. could you possibly shorten it?
it's sweet, but it wasn't moving. try to use resources of imagery or poetic style.
these are very deep feelings, so continue to try to capture them =]
beautiful wording and overall, a really sweet subject but the rhyming was a little confusing as there is no speciifc rhyme pattern. otherwise, short but beautiful!
~mez~
Awww that is sweet and it's what i'm feeling with someone else, but it has no imaingery.
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