His new apartment was a street level. Perfect for your poetry, the landlady had said. All the sounds at night. Very poetic. At his look, she explained: Your poetry. One was in the paper; I loved it. He didn’t mention that it was a fluke, one among thousands, in a paper he thought no one read. He smiled, nodded, and paid his half of the deposit.
His roommate had already moved in. He had met the other man once, to confirm that he wasn’t a serial killer when he answered on Craigslist, though he wasn’t sure what his plan would have been if the other man was. They met at the internet café that he frequented, and he could barely hear his soon-to-be roommate above the noise the few times the man spoke. He learned that the other man didn’t do drugs or drink, said it interfered with his health. He also learned that the other man was a hard person to find a roommate for; that’s why he was so desperate to post an ad on Craigslist.
He, Greg, an ex-stoner in a new city with a devastated orphan’s lot, thought it was logical. He made arrangements to meet the man at the apartment the next day—the park bench was cold. He would have been at the apartment earlier, but the man had insisted that Greg not move in until six because his ex-girlfriend was visiting and he was going to try to get her back. Greg met the landlady that morning to pay and walked the streets until he could move in. By six, dusk was exploding over the horizon. Orange strips of cotton looked glued to a pink-streaked navy background, like a painting that hadn’t quite dried before the artist added the next layer. He left the park and began to walk down the little road, almost an alley, to the apartment. The sky was concealed by a thick layer of smog and the high rooftops on either side, and darkness fell faster than elsewhere. He shivered and walked a little faster. To his right, down a side alley, metal hit against something else. A garbage can bumping another? It made sense.
He reached the apartment and opened the door with the chipped key the landlady had given him. It was dark in the apartment, and quiet. Greg walked to his room and set his bag down. He would need sheets. Back in the kitchen, there was no food, but that didn’t bother him as it once had. Although only six, the dark sky and eerie quiet were sufficient conditions for sleep, so he went back to his room to do just that.
His roommate banged through the door an hour later, but didn’t turn on the lights. Greg heard him sit down and a weak laptop light illuminated the room outside Greg’s bedroom. He guessed the lights weren’t on to save costs on the electricity bill—neither of them were exactly loaded. It was cold; the heating was broken, the landlady had told him. Five hundred dollars he didn’t have would fix it. The machine thumped along in the window poorly, like a baby’s rattle.
In the room next to him, he could hear his roommate drumming his fingers on the table. Four heavy taps in rapid succession. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. Down the street, bass throbbed from a house party. A pulsating thrum filled Greg’s ears like pressure at high altitudes. He listened a while and it had begun to lull him into something like sleep when two distinctly different pops pierced through the steady rhythm. Two echoing explosions. Handgun.
His roommate stopped drumming his fingers. Greg stopped breathing for a few seconds. Minutes later, the high shrieks of police cars spun down the road. The lights stopped in front of their building, throwing a pattern over the glass. Red-white-blue, red-white-blue, red-white-blue. His roommate scraped his chair back and walked through the room to Greg’s. Greg could hear the irregular footsteps tap an unsure beat as other man bumped against the table and bed. His roommate stood by the window and looked out. More cars. Expensive tires skipped like stones over potholes. Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump. Beats. Rhythms. Good for your poetry, the landlady had said.
Poeticism, so rarely lost on Greg, disappeared in his eyes. This was not poetic; it was now’s situation. Maybe someday he would find it, or someone would find it for him, but now through the window he watched another man’s head bump the roof of one of the cars as the officers shoved him into it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi TaylorAllen! I was wondering if I could give your short story a quick review.
To start off, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this! It was so well-written and I could practically hear all the sounds that you described in your story.
Here's a suggestion: One thing I think that would help improve the story is if you went into more detail on the orphan lot. It really caught my attention when I was reading and I was disappointed when it wasn't explained further in the plot.
Other than that, this is an awesome short story and I would totally want to read more of it!
I hope this helps!
I loved this! Beautiful description of the sky in the third paragraph, that was one of my favourite parts. You described the sounds so well I could practically hear them myself, particularly when the roommate was drumming his fingers on the table. Excellent piece of work
Hello! I, Holographic Ladybug, am here to review your work.
(I am here to make suggestions, you can take them or leave them, your choice.)
Ok, I'm really tired (it's basically morning where I'm from) so I'm going to get right to the point, if that's ok with you.
First of all, what is the man character's name? You don't reveal it at the start, when you really should. I noticed that you mentioned a 'Greg' later on in the story. Is that the main character?
Second of all, you should paragraph more. It can get super chunky and hard to read.
In your first paragraph, you had dialogue, but it wasn't in a new paragraph (the rules of paragraphing, I know), which makes it rather confusing. Maybe you should look into fixing it?
Third of all, you really should have mentioned an affair of a roommate closer to the beginning (even though they appeared in the second paragraph). Maybe you should have explained it better, too, because I found myself having to re-read that part.
Fourth of all, what's an ex-stoner? What's an orphan lot? Maybe you should clarify some bits of that paragraph because I found myself a bit confused.
Also, (I know I'm jumping around a bit here) what's his roommate's name?
Fifth of all, the transition between the third and fourth paragraph a bit confusing. It feels a little disorganized here, maybe there's something you could change to make things a bit clearer?
Sixth of all, I feel that the fifth paragraph could use a little adjustment. I, as a reader, suddenly feel disconnected from the character. What room was he in? I thought he was watching his roommate come in.
I did like the part with the roommate's fingers tapping on the table. It, in a way, was so beautifully descripted that I was considerably less confused somehow.
Seventh of all, I got confused again on the first sentence on the last paragraph. Also, what is he trying to find? Maybe you could clarify something for the reader? And, why is he watching a police car? Where did that come from? What does it mean? Just these kinds of things could make your story even better.
Maybe you could get someone you know to read over your work and make suggestions. I do it all the time for assignments and it really helps your story.
I hope I was of some use to you. If I misunderstood something or if you would like to clarify something, don't be afraid to ask/say so!
Thank you for your time!
Hey, I think ex-stoner means someone who used to smoke a lot of weed but doesn't anymore and orphan's lot means like the lot of someone with no parents, which I took to mean that Greg had no parents and that was his lot in life? That's what I got anyways~
Silverhanded got what ex-stoner means. An orphan's lot is a term that refers to the group of people that the orphan considers family-- friends and such. Therefore, a devastated orphan's lot would be an orphan's lot which was once full but is now scarcely populated.
I wrote this for a group that likes vague stuff-- hence why I use "he" instead of Greg for a while, and why the roommate has no name. It was a little experimenting by not using his name straight from the gate, as well as not naming the roommate. I assumed "his half of the deposit" was enough for the roommate's introduction. He's still walking from the third to the fourth paragraph. Nothing changes setting-wise. Still rolling with the vagueness experiment, it refers back to poeticism, which in turn refers back to the first paragraph.
I do have people read over my work, and I also put it up here for a more diverse audience. Thank you for your help!
Any time.