Published October 4, 2011
I'm sick of these four walls
That I have to see every single day
Closing in on me
It's getting harder to breathe in this room
The walls are white and never have color
But on these walls are names
Mine's near the bottom
I'm at the bottom of the food chain.
My name is written in blood
No one else's is, just mine.
I might as well face it.
That's how it's always going to be.
I don't want it that way
But it's never going to change.
People are in the room.
They're talking, but I'm not listening.
I'm sick of being a three-dimensional character
In this cruel, two-dimensional world.
In this room that wont work.
Want to be different?
That wont cut it. You have to fit the status quo.
You'll just be at the bottom then.
You can have your freedom
But only if you're willing to pay the price.
I'm sick of these four walls!
I'm sick of this room!
All I want is to get out
And fly away
Because I'm tired of shrinking everyday
And I'm fed up with everyone else in here
I'll never be what you want.
And once I'm gone,
I'll never be back.
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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello,
I felt that the poem didn't really... flow?
It felt a bit forced. Or something along those lines.
The part that really caught my attention and when my interest perked was when it said:
"My name is written in blood
No one else's is, just mine."
I felt a connection with it, but then the poem just moved on.
I think put more depth into it, make it more note-worthy and readable.
Make someone want to read more even after it ends.
I found it a little bland and boring.
Its good for portraying a 'trapped' feeling though.
Hope this has helped a little bit.
-- Ever.
This poem was good in its detail. The name was especially what caught my attention. You should go in depth more. Everything was perfect except for the poem structure.
I felt like this was just a little lackluster. I mean, it's not in any way a bad poem, it just doesn't add any new or unheard of concepts for us to really connect to. The imagery and metaphors are just a little overworked...
On the other hand, there were a couple of intriguing lines, like the ones that the reviewer already pointed out, and I don't think this was completely dull. There just wasn't anything personal about this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
This poem sends an inspiring message to anyone who feels trapped in a place that they can't get out of... Keep writing!!
First of all, I found most of this poem boring. The only bit that really caught my attention was:
Those were the only lines that caught my heart.
Second of all is presentation. I think poems look better when they are presented in equal parts. With your poem each part/section/paragraph has a different amount of lines. They go from four lines, to five, to six, to seven and then two. If you equal them out a bit it would be better.
Third, your launguage is not persuasive. The words you've used don't really have that conection poems should have.
Maye some of your other writing is better and maybe some people might like your poem, but based on what I've seen here I think you need to look within yourself to find the talent for writing. Im sorry for criticizing your work so much.