Making a Come Back

Spaulds

Review

Spaulds wrote a review · Thu Mar 05, 2015 9:06 pm

This is a beautiful poem! I love everything about it!
A couple things, punctuation. There are a lot of commas throughout the poem that I don't think belong there. Also I can totally relate to this poem! I think a lot of people can relate to this poem! The way you split up the stanzas was really good. Well that really all I could say! I really enjoyed reading this! Welcome back!

SkyeWalker

Review

SkyeWalker wrote a review · Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:19 pm

Hey! Zhia here to review your WONDERFUL YWS POEM!

Things I LOVE: Well, the YWS theme. Awesomeness. YWS is amazing, and no one can say otherwise. Also, the format is awesome, all centered and stuffs. I like it!

Things I LIKE: I like the rhythm! It works, most of the time, and that's awesome!

Things that need to be WORKED ON: Okay, I apologize in advance if this seems longer than the good things. I feel it's easier to explain the critique-ey parts, so it's longer!

I said earlier that the rhythm is pretty good. But some of it doesn't flow just right. For example, the first stanza:

After weeks of absence,

To come back, it's just not easy,

Here I am, with nobody now,

But I won't run, you'll see.

I feel like there shouldn't be a 'just' in the first line. It sort of breaks the rhythm. Also, there's a lot of commas, and it sort of throws me off. Also, third stanza:

Seeing that I have missed it all,

And I'm almost new,

But look here, I promise that,

I'll make it up to you.

I think there shouldn't have been an 'almost' There. It doesn't make sense. I think putting 'still' there would make a lot more sense. Finally, the last stanza:

I shall work hard,

And you shall see,

I hope you then feel proud,

I'm back on the Young Writers Society!

I like this stanza, but again, you don't need to put a 'the' in front of Young Writer's Society, because I feel it doesn't exactly work. But I'll stop my rambles, so you can work somethings out on your own!

I hope you find this review helpful, and a tip is to read your poem aloud to see if it works!

ZHIA the awesome REVIEWER!!

Firestarter

Review

Firestarter wrote a review · Fri Feb 27, 2015 4:15 pm

Hi Tay01,

This has been buried in the green room for a long time so I thought I would try and lend a hand. I think it's been left there on its own because nobody really knows what to say to this piece. It doesn't seem like a serious piece of work so people do not want to contribute their time fully assisting you in creating a new draft, because it seems more like a simple statement of your feelings on coming back to YWS formatted into something resembling a poem.

I question whether this is really a poem though. It has no rhythm or flow, no images or metaphors, no unique language, no layers, nothing new to say. I think this is why nobody has reviewed it.

In the future I would suggest only posting works you truly want to improve and keep messages such as these to your wall or in places like The Lounge. However, if you truly do want a review, I have a few comments below just in case:

1 - You don't have to finish every line with a comma. In fact, at the moment, it makes your poem terribly difficult to read. What a comma tells the reader is to pause. However, you are using pauses in the middle of lines which flow onto the next one.

Example:

Seeing that I have missed it all,

And I'm almost new,

But look here, I promise that,

I'll make it up to you.

This reads better as:

Seeing that I have missed it all

And I'm almost new,

But look here, I promise that

I'll make it up to you.

It flows much better without the two commas I've removed. This happens in almost all your stanzas so it is something worth looking at.

2 - Forced rhymes. I think I've noted this on a poem of yours before, and its ever present here again. The worst offender is the line "Nothing is what I've got" to force it to rhyme with "I had lost a lot." "Nothing is what I've got" feels horrible to read and you can do much better than that.

3 - The language - it's dull and boring. Try using some more expressive words. The majority of the poem is full of the most common verbs in the english language - I am, I have, etc. This makes it decidedly uncreative. I want to see you try and use some verbs that build a better picture for the reader.