Published July 20, 2011
The Bracelet
I took the bus ticket from the driver and stood in the doorway of
bus.
"Lisa" I said with great sadness "I'll come get that off you one day"
She nodded her head and with a smile she stepped away from the bus. I sat in my seat, letting my head fall into my lap, i released a great sigh.
"..fuck..." i said quietly, running my fingers through my hair.
I looked out the window and Lisa was playing with my bracelet.
She looked up at me as the bus was leaving. We smiled at each other, I gave her a sly wink with a dip of my head.
The bus started to move and i couldn't take my eyes off her but the distance broke my stair and i was left looking at the at my own reflection in the glass.
I promised Lisa that i would travel to Germany and see her and as a romantic gesture i gave her my bracelet and vowed to come to Germany to get it back. I'm not a romantic guy but giving her my bracelet was a big move in my head.
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139,109 Literary Works • 672,410 Reviews
Nice title. I'm sorry but I just thought this an extremely weak piece of work. Way to short. The readers have no idea what the main characters name is we have no visual of where the leaving is taking place and we don't know what either character looks like. Without these things there really isn't anything to read. I say work on these things and you should become a much better writer.
Hello there.
First for the nitpicks... Glitter box and Miracles already covered them, but there's one they didn't.
I corrected all the mistakes there was in the sentence too, even though the others already pointed them out. One thing I have to say, is that you really have to correct all this.
Overall, the story was very short. I feel like you've skipped many things in order to make it short and that's nit always good. Definitely write more about this. If it's a novel, or simply a longer short story, I don't care, I just want more details.
First off, for the beginning, we just see a guy leaving a girl. Are they in Germany, or in another country? If so, why was the guy there? Did the relationship grow, or where they already in love when he came?
Second off, for the ending, we know he left a bracelet. So, the ending could be left as it is, to leave a little bit of suspense, but you could also add more, like when he goes home. It all depends on what you have in mind for this story and these characters. I could see a novel based on this, but I could also see just a short story, with a cliff hanger as a ending.
Keep writing! And if you do write more, I would like to know.
-Other One
Hi there!
I have to agree with glitterbox, the idea behind the whole story is really sweet and wonderful. The idea might be one that's used a lot, but, for me, the idea almost always works. So, I think you have a pretty sweet story going on there. As for continuing it, definitely! I feel that this story has so much more potential. What you've written so far is the smallest of glimpse into the story. You can most definitely continue it.
I do think that your story can use a bit of proof reading though. I notcied a few mistakes that should be fixed easily like:
That's supposed to be stare.
The 'i's are also meant to be capitalised. There's a few more in the story, but I think that glitterbox have pointed most of those out.
Another thing I'd like to say is, this part:
At first, I thought that 'that' refered to the ticket. So, as you might imagine, I was a bit confused. Because why would anyone care so much about a bus ticket? I think that to avoid confusion, you should mention the bracelet before that part so that we know what's happening.
Apart from that little error and a few nitpicks, I think that you have a pretty good story behind this. One that you can definitely continue. Keep it up!
Well, first I have to tell you that the whole idea of this is kind of wonderful. I like romanticism and this is a nice piece, but I think it's too short.
. I hope I helped you and PM me when you complete this story. I want to see what beautiful masterpiece will come out of it.
You asked if it's worth continuing and my answer is: definitely! Don't ever give up on your writing and you'll see you'll get better and better.
Now, technical stuff. . .
1) When you write dialog, it should go like that:
"Lisa," I said with great sadness, "I'll come get that off you one day."
2)The letter "i", when referring to the pronoun "I" should always be written in capital.
3)I took the [nothing here] ticket from the driver and stood in the doorway of the bus.
4)I looked out of the window and Lisa was playing with my bracelet.
5)We smiled at each other; I gave her a sly wink with a dip of my head. [Don't commit coma splices; a comma should not link two independent clauses that could make sense on their own.]
6)The bus started to move and i couldn't take my eyes off her but the distance broke my stare and I was left looking at the at my own reflection in the glass.
7)I promised Lisa that I would travel to Germany and see her, and as a romantic gesture, I gave her my bracelet and vowed to come to Germany to get it back.
That's all