Hi Travaril!

So I like what you're doing here, with the elves on the run and humans and the like. You have some words which are meshed together, try to flick your eyes over the work while it's in the post box and you'll see where there are some spelling issues - they come up with the red wavy line of error.

This is incredibly stilted, the language and the description are both infused with a forced character that it's hard for me to read through the whole thing. The way Anna decides to talk and sit with the general just doesn't make any sense because she's been told to get her butt out and she only has a couple minutes, it's just not believable. Not to mention the exchange is rife with an awkward sense of unreality. I feel like it's super odd they're talking on phones in the middle of the street also, she doesn't check if anyone is around while she runs through all this stuff she and the guys have done. She also doesn't think about phone taps or anything like that.

The general is random and her language, while I understand you're trying to make her have an accent, is just distracting. None of it feels real at all, is my main problem. You don't have to be writing about real things for the writing and the action to feel real. There's a thing in drama called "suspending disbelief" and engaging in "what if", the combination of these, if done right, makes for an excellent performance. The same works in prose. We don't have to believe these things will happen, we just have to forget we don't believe it. But the forced nature of your writing right now is ruining that.

I suggest you write all your dialogue as though you're speaking with your friends - only concentrate on dialogue to start with. Then make the General as though she's a parent - that's how Anna sees these people. Smooth out the actions and let Anna be a bit more aware of her surroundings - are there more people in the cafe, are there people on the street? Small details like a door slamming a couple houses down or something are what people notice when they're on edge, give Anna some of those. And get them out of that cafe faster, they're just mucking about with the General and it doesn't suit at all.

I don't mind this, after all that. It's solid and it just needs to loosen up a bit. Otherwise you've got something going here and I look forward to more. Thanks for posting, feel free to hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.

~ Pen.

Hello Tavaril!

First let me say, "Welcome to Young Writers ^^" I hope you enjoy it here and I must say this is rather well written to me. You forgot some spaces between some words but other than that I can't pick out much for this. I think you have an interesting plot and cannot wait to read more of your works! This chapter makes me wonder what's going on in the story and why they need to keep moving all the time. I wonder what you have coming next so I'll look out for the next chapter. Hope you find this helpful in some ways and good luck with your writing.

Sincerely,
Soulkana ^^