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Deception

by Tarshni


In a universe surrounded by words of destruction
Awaiting a day that shall not rise,
but living a fall that subsides my being
Haunted by a thought and...
a moment
that deprives me from existence...
Shadowed by an unclenched dream
that will never remain..

A manipulation of words to create significance to an unknown emotion
One that claims to be all,
but when lost is none..
A demolished faith that can never be there...
unless it has been demanded...

Cradled by a simple word
that could bring ecstasy to my soul, but....
..also misery upon my heart

The uncharted spirit that lives within me
... will be the essence to bring you life...
but till then..
I am what you for see me to be...

DECEPTION...


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Points: 1088
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:30 pm
deleted7 wrote a review...



Ola! Nafe here to review your poem.

Let's start with the positives:
I liked this poem. I think it truly reflected deception in a creative way. You have a nice way with words. It was a beautiful literary work.

On the negative side:
There were points in the poem where the flow was a bit of. Perhaps you could find a way to tweak it a bit. Also, like someone already said, the DECEPTION part at the end is unnecessary. Seek a better ending because the repetition is rather mediocre.

That's about it really. Keep up the good work though.

Nafe.




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131 Reviews

Points: 3181
Reviews: 131

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Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:12 pm
322sivart wrote a review...



Wow. I really, really liked this. As for the content of this poem, I don't really have any criticizm for you, because your language and flow was great here. However if I were you, I would definately make:

A manipulation of words to create significance to an unknown emotion


into:

A manipulation of words to create significance,
to an unknown emotion


Having that one longer line amidst all those shorter lines disrups the reader's thought process in a way.
The last thing I would suggest is to omit the ending 'DECEPTION'. Since we already know that the poem is about deception from the title, and you do a very good job describing feelings that revolve around deception in your poem, writing it at the very end is a little unnecessary. Since this is dramatic poetry, I always like to picture someone reading it aloud in front of others, and I think if someone is reading it aloud, 'I am what you forsee me to be' would be a much better ending. Keep up the great work!
-Alex




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36 Reviews

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Reviews: 36

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Fri Jun 17, 2011 1:47 pm
EL FINITO wrote a review...



You sure know how to make your words and expression sound beautiful, its a great work you did here but it will be even greater if your words contain more meaning and I don't have to read it 4 times to understand what you are actually driving at

keep up the good work





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