Night and Day, Day and Night,
When I lift my gruesome head,
I will fill your minds with darkest fright,
And your fragile hearts with dread.
Oh, so briefly do you mortals live,
Your life slipping away so fast.
But just like water through a sieve,
You slide out of my grasp.
A flick of my tail, A snap of my jaws,
There's nowhere to run when I fly.
I've caught you again, clenched tight in my claws.
You won't escape one such as I.
So strongly you fight, not wanting to die,
I may just let you go free.
Though my stomach rumbles, for hungry am I,
You are not enough for me.
You'd be no better than a small morsel.
An appetizer at best.
So run on back to your little borstal^,
You fleeting, little pest.
A creature my size requires a feast,
Of which, you simply are not.
To tame my hunger, I devour a beast,
Then return to my lair so hot.
I lay on my treasure, fire in my gut,
An eye half open to see,
You scamper back down to your simple mud-hut,
Greeted by a family of three.
A tear rolls down from my great, scaly eye,
For once, my own family I had.
Slaughtered by men, I watched them all die,
The memories now send me mad.
I let out a roar that everyone fears.
My head lands hard on the ground.
But no one will witness all of my tears,
Falling without a sound.
But what is this now? You're standing right there,
On my head, placed a hand so soft.
I'd never have thought any soul would dare.
I bring my head aloft.
You're comforting me, here on your own.
I blink once, twice, and see,
That you have invited me to your simple home,
With your sweetest family of three.
You're my new family now, whom I will protect,
For many years to come.
From wars and tragedies that I deflect,
Underneath the shining sun.
Generations pass, for brief are you here,
But never will I forgo*
Your sweetest of kindness, hope and cheer,
Upon others I now bestow.
I miss you, my friend, for it's been quite a while.
From Death I now refrain,
For Time has been cruel, my body defiled.
Until I may see you again...
^Borstal: a school for delinquent boys that provides therapy and vocational training.
*Forgo: To neglect, overlook, or do without.
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here! Happy review day! (This is my first review and I don't do a lot or reviewing on a normal day so sorry if it's a bit choppy)
Let's start here-
Two things.
1- I feel like the exclamation points take away from the poem and story. They're really not needed and I personally think the poem would do better without them, (Replace them with commas). The readers gets the emotion easily and the exclamations, which are here to add emotion, just over do it.
2-The rhyming rhythm is a bit off. If I read the second line a bit differently, speeding up on certain words, I can make it work, but you don't want to make the reader work, you want the poem to simply flow. One thing that can help is changing 'thought you'd' to 'can't'. Still, it's not perfect, but you're clearly a talented writer and I trust you'll be able to find a solution.
Hm. I feel like snack brings the poem down a bit. You have an amazing vocabulary but the word 'snack' being thrown in feels... Might I say childish? I don't know. It's out of place, that's for sure. Maybe you could replace it with 'treat' or 'little taste'. I write poetry but not at the level that you do so I'm honestly not too helpful. Again, I'm hoping you'll be able to find a fix but if you can't don't fret. It's more of a nitpick than anything. Oh! And again, the exclamation point takes away.
Again- Very minor. I would take the 'a' out of the first line. It keeps the beat still but I feel like everything flows better without it.
Other than that, this poem was amazing. You have a great sense of rhythm, amazing rhymes, and a beautiful story. This clearly took some major creativity and skill. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
I know it's been a while since you've reviewed my work, but here are the changes I've made thanks to your review:
I've removed the exclamations here, replaced with commas.
Replaced: snack -> morsel
pack -> borstal
And again removed exclamation.
It does work better without the "a", so thanks for pointing that out.
Thank you for your review, ChocolateCello. "Nitpick" or not, it was very helpful.
Hey there! This is really sweet, I really like it. I'm assuming the narrator is a dragon? I only have a few comments, actually.
Formatting
Why the italics? It just seems a bit unnecessary.
Rhyme and Rhythm
I really do like that you rhymed this piece. It fits in nicely with the feel of the whole thing, and in general it works well. However, there are some place where the word you use to make it rhyme simply doesn't fit. I'll just point those out for you and give some suggestions.
"Live" and "me" do not rhyme in the slightest, at least not where I'm from. Maybe "I might let you go free" would work instead.
This line doesn't make a lot of sense. You may want to reword it.
This reads awkwardly. Try "The memory nearly sent me mad" or something like that.
I think it would sound better without the "as."
Try something like "You're my new family now, who I will protect/For many years to come/Wars and tragedies I will deflect/Underneath a shining sun.
Other
*your
You should either be "you'd" or "to," in order to be grammatically correct.
Did you mean "not?" An any case, I'd get rid of this word entirely, since it sounds fine without it.
This simply doesn't work. "Forgo" means to abandon, to stop doing something. "Forgo your sweetest kindness" doesn't make sense. You could say that the dragon will never forgo protecting the family, but that's a little odd too. I'd recommend rewording this stanza so you don't use the forgo/bestow rhyme. Find something else that works better.
And that's all I've got for you! I hope this review was helpful. Don't take any of my suggestions as gospel, of course. Play around with it until you find something you like.
Good luck and keep writing!
Oh my god, how did I not notice I wrote 'live' instead of 'be'. Thanks for pointing that out. I sorta wrote this on my iPod before transferring it to computer.
Ok, you know what, I've made so many simple mistakes here, it's not funny. Thanks again for pointing these out.
I've now changed:
to "I devour a beast",
I got rid of 'as' in
Also,
is now "The memories now send me mad". Do you think this is better?
And I've changed
to what you have suggested, but I left 'From' wars and tragedies.
I've also gotten rid of the italics.
Also "forgo" can also mean 'neglect', so this basically means: "...never will I neglect your sweetest of kindness..."
Thankyou for the review, it's helped a fair bit.
Regards,
Tarakona
Good, I'm glad it helped!
Hey, Mr.Muddy Pig here!
Good poem, But there are some mistakes like:
But never will I forge(t)
I (will) miss you, since it (has) been quiet a while ( since it had been a long time) is better.)
But what is this now? You're standing right there.(you need a comma, not a period after "there")
Other than those mistakes (and maybe others that I have missed), You're doing fine, now keep writing with your good mind of yours.
Hi MrMuddyPig,
The reason it is "forgo" and not "forget" is so it rhymes, and also why it is "a while".
And, yeah, a comma will be better after "there". Thanks.
Thanks for the review, I appreciate it.
Regards,
Tarakona
I know what you mean about how "forgo" rhymes, but I still thing it should be spelled right and that you should find another way about it rhyming.
Just letting you know, forgo means "do without", "refrain from" or "neglect". So forgo was the right word to use, in my opinion.
I would like suggestions for a better title if anyone can come up with one. The title it has now was meant to be temporary until I (or someone else) could come up with a better one.
Edited: Title changed from "Sweetest of Kindness" to "Cruel Kindness". Still up for suggestions on better title.