Dont Go Away

I love the thought behind this, and the way it pulls on any heart strings of those who have had to leave behind a good friend. I have a few areas I wanted to point out to you:

"Maybe we were meant to part away

With me forever I’ll carry that sway

Of yours ‘coz your heart was pure"

Areas like this, where a sentence is chopped up in an odd place, makes the poem seem a bit forced. It's not unheard of, but it's typically best to break the line at the pause, regardless of the syllable count.


"My guide or friend or

Just a cool new trend"

The above passage should be confined to one line, as all of your lines should be about the same length and rhyming within lines is quite smiled upon in the poetic community.


"Maybe it was my fault

I kept on going and did not halt"


Your rhythm gets thrown off a bit here, see if you can possibly extend the lines with more visual aids or dramatic aids to keep the length and rhythms of each line the same.


"Hope we meet together

With a halo and feather

For when we die

I’ll not be the same sly"

This right here is a couplet, or a two line rhyming end to a dramatic poem. It should probably be reduced to only two lines. I like the first two lines a lot, but the second two seem forced. I'm wondering if it's possible to revise a bit or use different terminology to try and make it flow a bit more.

Overall, a very good starting point and a very good main idea that just needs a touch of polishing!

Goodluck and keep writing.

Wewinwelose

Hello.

I understand how you feel, as I have had a friend move away, too.

Your poem, however, didn't really get me thinking about these friends that have moved away, emotionally, anyway. The biggest thing that held it back is your forced rhyme.

Forced rhyme is when the poet has to search for rhymes, and changes the meaning of the poem while they are trying to find the rhyme. Often, this makes the poem nonsensical and/or grammatically incorrect.

Yours was made nonsensical. Many of the rhymes don't make sense, and the last line, which should be strong and tie the whole poem together, is weakened exponentially by a non-sequitur ending.

Here's how you fix it. It's going to take a bit of work.

Not all poems have to rhyme, and this one is no different. Take out the rhyme, start over. Find what you really want to say about your friend and just write it out. Then organize it. It doesn't have to follow any form. Just put your raw honest emotions out on the paper (or screen) and try to make connections between things. Make connections between you and your friend, between you and your friend and places, actions, objects, anything. Then use those connections in the poem. Again, don't rhyme unless it comes naturally.

I hope you find this helpful!
Happy YWSing!

your poem is cute but it has its faults. I am apologizing before hand i am quite grumpy now and may not sound all honey and cup cakes, but i mean good anyway. so stepping to my nitpicks-
"With me forever I’ll carry that sway" your lyric is restricting your thoughts, and you are unable to get over it. remember whenever you write a lyric first get the idea that what you want to tell and in no way change your thoughts if the lyric does not come along, in that case give it some rest and try later. never first find a rhyming word and then frame a line. i have seem this in many places of your poem but this line really struck me. love is not a bondage neither she is the queen to sway you. think it over and try something more appropriate.
"Just a cool new trend"- trend- seriously .... do you think falling in love is a trend. i would like an explanation to what you are hinting here
"So that you come back to me at one glance" i suggest use the word " chance" in place of glance. however use your judgement this is simply a suggestion
"With a halo and feather"- " halo" - see i get your love is divine and you want to use the best words to describe that feeling but halo is not at all suiting this sense. she might be your angel so just say it. like " hope i meet my angel in heaven afar"
"I’ll not be the same sly"- i didn't really get what you meant by ''sly'' here. rather i would suggest you make it as " we will end up together, resting in the same sky".
you love is really sweet and so is your writing, practice and determination will make you perfect, i again apologize for being rude but do note my points...
keep writing
Rituparna

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. Welcome to YWS! *throws confetti* Anyway, we all know why i am here to review this lovely poem that is in front of me. i like to begin that poem could relate to the many of us who have had friends who left us or have decided that we were not good enough for them (two of my friends did this and I cried for 3 weeks). Also i like the rhyming scheme is this or the end rhymes in this since it gives it a well-written example of friendship.

Nitpick(s):

Next time I'll never take a chance

First of all, Welcome to YWS!
It's not daily that I see fellow Indian names here so this is a warm welcome. *you feel warm* Now let's get on with the review.
I get what you are trying to say in the first two lines but your language is confusing. First of all it should be part ways and then the lines- With me forever I’ll carry that sway
Of yours ‘coz your heart was pure. I didn't get it that well. It doesn't convince me of your best friendship and most important never use a slang in a poem, most people me included don't like it. So replace your 'coz with 'cause.
On the whole, the poem keeps going on how you made some mistake and they have to get away from you but you are not trying to show things, make me feel you are telling me a story which incidentally rhymes, that's all. That is the biggest problem. If you give an honest glance at this poem you'll see that you are telling one thing over and again only in different ways. So this is where I tell you, a rhyme scheme is not what makes a poem it's the spirit of the poet. So, try it again but from your heart and try to make me feel.
Then the line at the end- With a halo and feather
For when we die
I’ll not be the same sly
First I don't think a halo and a feather means anything specific in relevance to the theme (enlighten me if I am wrong) so I failed to see it's significance here. Then the last line is good except I think it should be- I'll not be equally sly.
That's all. I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. You know picking up small errors line by line makes it look bad but it's a fair piece but a lot can be improved. So ponder on what I've to say and if you agree do correct it. All the best and I'll be looking forward to read next from you.