Published April 12, 2008
This is my first poem, and I wrote it really quickly, and spontaneously, but if I hadn't I don't think I would have got the same feeling across, but I am willing to edit it. I don't consider myself to be a poet, but this is one that I liked when I finished it.
_______________________________
Life has changed
My world is different.
I told you once that I was lonely
That my life was worthless.
Did I mean it?
How do I see myself now?
I don't.
Instead, I look at those around me,
How they see me.
Have I changed?
Has their perception changed?
I no longer have need to despair,
Why should I?
You surround me,
Enclosing me in your warmth.
I see everything,
Everyone,
Differently.
Who are you though?
My love?
My passion?
Or are my perception,
My way of seeing the world?
I speak of your warmth,
And I feel it.
But where does it come from?
Where are you?
You are changed.
When I was young,
You were there,
someone to talk to,
When no one else was there.
Now,
You are still here,
But I no longer talk to you;
No longer speak to no one.
I am changed.
You are changed.
My perception has changed.
Life is changed.
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I liked it quite abit, sure you jump around abit, but that can sortve describe mixed emotions.
I have to agree with Vernon here. You're making a bunch of vague observations that a) do not make sense to the reader (ie me) and b) do not spark my interest.
The theme of change is a good one, as everyone's experienced it. So take the basic idea and make it more unique. Show the change using interesting metaphors and imagery. How did the narrator change? When? Where? Why? Did something specific cause the change? Oh, and another challenge: Try not to use the word "change". If you absolutely must, use it only once. The repetition really dragged down your poem.
On another note, avoid rhetorical questions. They do nothing for the reader and are typical of navel-gazing poems. A wise man told me this once and my poetry improved tenfold.
If you want to turn this theme into a good poem, you probably could if you thought about images and engaging the reader. Keep writing!
Ditto to all the comments.
Yeah - I do agree with the jumping around.But i did like it and i can sort of relate with it.
Firsly the jumping around is annoying, secondly this poem consisutes 'navel gazing'. It's all me--me---me. How can a reader like this, they're given facts and expected to process them. So what if your preception changed! Look, a poem should engage the reader, this doesn't. Overall: It's been done... navel gazing a no-no... don't use it. Now look at these, for lessons: Click Here
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Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Sidewinder
via FoxyTunes
Indeed, it doesn't make alot of sense!
but yet its very wonderful:)
*keep rockin!"
-Meg
LLOOOIIPPPP
I don't really see a solid structure for this poem.
And I agree with Maki-Chan about the 'jumping around' bit.
I like the first stanza. It flows, rhymes, and has a structure.
But all the rest do not.
The I don't is too short.
And all the stanzas have a different amount of lines.
I think it needs alot of work
Practice
Peace V
first it talks of sadness, then how people see you, then its about another person, then its how they changed.
It just keeps on jumping. Sort of confusing. But other then that its not that bad, the words seem to work well, but they just don't seem to fit- with every new part its different- you need one main theme.