Butterflies

Hey. First off, welcome to YWS. You'll love it.

Second, your poem is lacking context and hooks. You need to draw your reader in, even in poetry, and make it relatable, thought-provoking, and keeps the reader wanting more. This seemed to lack a few of those things, though it was very interesting. I would suggest making it longer, adding more metaphors, and just reading over it aloud before posting it.

Good job.

The grammar used isn't great. The detail isn't great. I'm all for short and sweet poems, as long as they're to the point. Sometimes the length you chose works, but when you're dealing with a concept like imaginary butterflies turning to the butterflies that come from inside, you need more insight to what you really mean. Let it come from your heart. Don't ever EVER be hesitant to express what you truly mean.

Hi there Tamara, Lavvi in to review for you today.

The title's very deceiving, eh? I thought it'd be kind of sweet but I was in for something, wasn't I? It read rather depressingly, that's okay, but I don't see how butterflies could relate to anything depressing. Also, usually, when you have butterflies "inside" of you, this signifies that you're usually nervous. I didn't really gather that that was what you wanted to mean. Perhaps butterflies aren't the best metaphor to use in this case.

Most have already pointed out the obvious mistakes, but I'd like to elaborate on one especially. It's not really a mistake, more of a lacking in something. You need more detail. Without it, it's so dull to read and there is no emotion that I can sense in this poem. It's like you just wrote it for the sake of writing something down. Expand so the audience can visualize easily what you're wanting to get across.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hello! It overall was interesting. It just needs a little more detail. Keep writng! You really have a gift for captivating readers!

Hey, okay so let’s see—for starters there is a little miniscule grammar mistake, you forgot the y in the word “they” in the “Each day the flew higher” sentence, no big deal. I really love this poem and wish it were longer.
<Just a thought>
I also think you should have a little bit more build up to the last sentence where you bring yourself into the piece. Length can definitely help you with that.
Overall, great job! Also, welcome to YWS, you are going to love this website!

First off, welcome to YWS! Secondly, this poem is good but lacks context, I suggest adding and explaining. You'll find (just as I did when I joined) that everyone rips apart extremely short poems and ALWAYS asks for more information. Second, grammar. Grammar Grammar Grammar. Punctuation Punctuation Punctuation. You will be RIPPED apart if you dont use punctuation, want proof? Just look at my older stuff in my portfolio. So, just to avoid the future pain in the asses, here are the grammar corrections:

TamaraGoesRawr wrote:They were so alive,
High and flying. Just btw, I'd strongly suggest adding more to this, its a great start but you dont explain. Details details details.
Each day the flew higher, They
Until you tore them from the sky;
Cut off their wings,
And let the butteflies inside of me die.